Rant

[Samu]

Hi everyone! I have been exploring my gender for a while now. I identified as bigender in the past but now I think I might be genderfluid. I talked to someone important to me about this; I sent him a video of my transformation from fem to masc and he said “it is obvious that you are a woman”. Then I kindly asked for him to learn and see me just as a person, since I’m not sure of what label fits best yet. He then said “and you’re a person not an alien?”, to which I replied, “not a woman nor a man, I mean”, to which he said, again: “well, you have very feminine features and to me, you’re a woman. If you’re annoyed by that then I don’t know.”

It felt extremely invalidating. Besides, after I told him that I’m not sure about my gender, he said that I have no rights to be bothered about him and others seeing or perceiving me as a woman. And I mean, I’m not quite sure of what I am, but I’m pretty sure of what I’m not. He also said that I’m not stable, so I don’t have the rights to be bothered nor will people know how to deal with me, besides saying that my identity isn’t relevant bc it doesn’t affect him/our relationship and I’m too sensitive about this.

I just wanted him to try to understand and be there for me. I cannot go to anyone else to talk about this, it sucks.
 

Also, I’ve told him about me questioning my gender at the beginning of my journey, tho I didn’t explicitly say that I identified as bigender. To that, he said that I should just live as I want. Now he forgot everything regarding that convo and said that I started to be like this just because I cut my hair. That also annoyed me bc it’s not something that happened from night to morning. 
 

[alto]

That does sound annoying.  My sympathies.

[MulticulturalFarmer]

4 hours ago, kikicita said:

Hi everyone! I have been exploring my gender for a while now. I identified as bigender in the past but now I think I might be genderfluid. I talked to someone important to me about this; I sent him a video of my transformation from fem to masc and he said “it is obvious that you are a woman”. Then I kindly asked for him to learn and see me just as a person, since I’m not sure of what label fits best yet. He then said “and you’re a person not an alien?”, to which I replied, “not a woman nor a man, I mean”, to which he said, again: “well, you have very feminine features and to me, you’re a woman. If you’re annoyed by that then I don’t know.”

It felt extremely invalidating. Besides, after I told him that I’m not sure about my gender, he said that I have no rights to be bothered about him and others seeing or perceiving me as a woman. And I mean, I’m not quite sure of what I am, but I’m pretty sure of what I’m not. He also said that I’m not stable, so I don’t have the rights to be bothered nor will people know how to deal with me, besides saying that my identity isn’t relevant bc it doesn’t affect him/our relationship and I’m too sensitive about this.

I just wanted him to try to understand and be there for me. I cannot go to anyone else to talk about this, it sucks.
 

Also, I’ve told him about me questioning my gender at the beginning of my journey, tho I didn’t explicitly say that I identified as bigender. To that, he said that I should just live as I want. Now he forgot everything regarding that convo and said that I started to be like this just because I cut my hair. That also annoyed me bc it’s not something that happened from night to morning. 
 

I can relate to this as an intersex person who is genderfluid but sometime bigender. People often tell me I'm cis, and are in disbelief when I tell them I'm intersex, as if internal biological traits that are both male and female are supposed to be shown in my face or body in a super obvious way and that it can't be subtle. People can tell that I look androgynous naturally but can't put their finger on it unless I have a beard or something or just are creepily analyzing my body shape. But in general due to certain characteristics, I'm also read as female most of the time because of the binary view of gender. I also don't get why people are so ignorant about the neuroscientific aspects of being trans/non-binary, like there's something biological going on to make you identify with physical traits of other genders and it's not just about the body. But that's too hard for a lot of people who buy into toxic masculinity and gender roles and all that.

I hope you feel better, as it's something I've dealt with from friends.

[Holmbo]

It feels like so many people are still demanding to slot everyone into the category of man or woman. I suppose so they can assign all sorts of generalization to everyone and limit the need for communication or thought.

I'm sorry your friend seem to be taking this lazy approach. If you're up to it maybe you could ask him why he feels it's important to distinguish between men and women and to view you as a woman. Maybe you will learn something about how some people relate to gender roles. 

[Samu]

23 hours ago, alto said:

That does sound annoying.  My sympathies.

Yep, thank you?

21 hours ago, MulticulturalFarmer said:

People often tell me I'm cis, and are in disbelief when I tell them I'm intersex, as if internal biological traits that are both male and female are supposed to be shown in my face or body in a super obvious way and that it can't be subtle. People can tell that I look androgynous naturally but can't put their finger on it unless I have a beard or something or just are creepily analyzing my body shape. But in general due to certain characteristics, I'm also read as female most of the time because of the binary view of gender. I also don't get why people are so ignorant about the neuroscientific aspects of being trans/non-binary, like there's something biological going on to make you identify with physical traits of other genders and it's not just about the body. But that's too hard for a lot of people who buy into toxic masculinity and gender roles and all that.

I hope you feel better, as it's something I've dealt with from friends.

I can’t believe how people think they know us better than we do. It’s really unbelievable. And I feel that, it is more than just the body and I think people tend to be ignorant about this either because they don’t want to inform themselves about it since they say it doesn’t affect them or because they hate/dislike us. It is possible that they grew up in an ignorant environment too. But I think that it is truly important to start reading about this issue (and trying to understand the experiences) when hearing about it or when a special someone says that they are x label.

I hope that more people get to learn to see others in a neutral way, without assuming whether they are just male or female.

Thank you for your answer, and yes, I do feel better now :) 

16 hours ago, Holmbo said:

It feels like so many people are still demanding to slot everyone into the category of man or woman. I suppose so they can assign all sorts of generalization to everyone and limit the need for communication or thought.

I'm sorry your friend seem to be taking this lazy approach. If you're up to it maybe you could ask him why he feels it's important to distinguish between men and women and to view you as a woman. Maybe you will learn something about how some people relate to gender roles. 

Indeed. I think it happens more with older generations, at least that’s what I see in my country. There are definitely a lot of things to unlearn, tho that’s a hard task if people aren’t really open to it.

Thank you for the advice, I find it very interesting. However, I will not be talking to him for now, it is really bad for my mental health, sadly. If things get better in a near future, maybe I’ll do it so I’ll keep what you said in mind.

I appreciate your answer :)

[MulticulturalFarmer]

On 12/1/2021 at 8:55 PM, kikicita said:

Yep, thank you?

I can’t believe how people think they know us better than we do. It’s really unbelievable. And I feel that, it is more than just the body and I think people tend to be ignorant about this either because they don’t want to inform themselves about it since they say it doesn’t affect them or because they hate/dislike us. It is possible that they grew up in an ignorant environment too. But I think that it is truly important to start reading about this issue (and trying to understand the experiences) when hearing about it or when a special someone says that they are x label.

I hope that more people get to learn to see others in a neutral way, without assuming whether they are just male or female.

Thank you for your answer, and yes, I do feel better now :) 

Indeed. I think it happens more with older generations, at least that’s what I see in my country. There are definitely a lot of things to unlearn, tho that’s a hard task if people aren’t really open to it.

Thank you for the advice, I find it very interesting. However, I will not be talking to him for now, it is really bad for my mental health, sadly. If things get better in a near future, maybe I’ll do it so I’ll keep what you said in mind.

I appreciate your answer :)

It's so weird how even if i'm not trying to dress in an androgynous way, I can shift from male to female based on how people perceive me. It definitely shows the futility of gender construct for sure, especially people who are the "borderline" of one gender  in some way or another.