Advice for keeping in touch with friends in relationships

[roboticanary]

One of the things I keep hearing in aro circles is the fear that friends will leave because they get into a romantic relationship and now that relationship is everything.

I was wondering what advice people have for keeping in touch with those friends.

The thing that comes to mind to me is to make a serious attempt to get to know the person/people they are in love with. That makes it less of a fight for attention between you and them.

Other than that though, I'm fairly inexperienced with this and would love to here what advice you all have

[Leia]

i've heard so many people talk about this but i have to admit, i've never faced it. it could be because none of my friends ever had any serious relationships. but yeah, i just don't worry about my friends leaving.

a close friend of mine started dating last year, right before COVID-19. i never felt like she's drifting apart or prioritizing her romantic relationship; but then again we don't get to meet in person anyway. we do chat regularly, we're still great friends, and i haven't felt like anything's changed.

edit: getting to know your friend's partner sure is great advice. 

Edited July 2, 2021 by Leia Williams

[Erederyn]

I agree with the advice of getting to know your friend's partner. It makes it easier for you to hang out together with them (while feeling less like a third wheel) and your friend will appreciate it you taking interesting in someone they find important.

Besides having to be patient (especially if they're still in that new relationship phase), I've asked friends if we could have a designated day for us to hang out (on a weekly or monthly or whatever frequency basis) as a time for just us to bond. I've also been honest about feeling like I've been cast aside, and I've had a couple of friends apologize and be more deliberate about staying in touch. Of course there will be some people who don't get it and think you're making a big deal or think that this is simply the natural order of things :/ Hopefully that won't be the case.

So a bit generic advice haha, but yeah generally, I think being honest about how you feel (while also ensuring them that you're happy about their relationship- you don't want to come off bitter or resentful) and try to be more deliberate about how you plan your time together (even if it sometimes feels inorganic). 

[9-BBN]

I'm currently going through this and something that has helped me cope whenever I feel myself on the brink of an anxiety spiral is really just trying to remember that the people I hold closest in my life are the last people I need to worry about hurting me. While friends are often "cast aside" when it comes to romantic relationships, I think a common theme regarding close/best friends is that friends will never leave you in the same ways that romantic partnerships end. The closest friend will always be near me when I need her most because that's what friends do and at the end of the day, I really shouldn't worry about it. 

And say, if they do leave you...well that tells you what kind of person they are and what kind of friend they are too. However, with that logic, if you truly know someone well, you should also know them well enough to know they would never do that. 

In terms of keeping in touch, just honest communication about how friendships mean practically everything to you. I think it reaffirms to your friend that your relationship is important and a commitment. 

[Ch0c0]

You may stay in close touch with your friend if it does not bring awkwardness or jealousy in their relationship.

If they chose to leave you on the side, you can choose to remain there for your friend when in troubble. lt won't satisfy your emotional needs but it can give birth to a strong long term relationship.