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New here:) Would appreciate any advice!


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Hi everyone,

My name is Valerie, I‘m 32, and I live in Germany.

I think I might be Aromantic, or Lithromantic, or something like that, but I‘m really not sure and very confused. I really hope that some of you might be able to give me advice or help me, as it is hard for me to talk about this with people in my daily life.

Let me start by saying I‘m a Lesbian and I definitely have sexual attraction; but I have only been in very few relationships. All my relationships have been brief, on/off, or just a plain disaster because my partners all felt I was too distant.

I love romance books, but every „real life“ relationship I‘ve been in has felt like such a chore. Seeing my partner more than once every few weeks, or texting all the time just made me feel tired. It was like, I‘m always too busy even when I’m doing nothing. I‘ve often thought: „okay, meet up with them today, so you‘ll have peace and quiet again for a while“.

I always felt like the most awful, cold person because of this. Mostly, I just have crushes on women, and if we do get together it just...fizzles out? The more we are together, the more it just feels like..an obligation? And the romance aspect...oof.

For example: years ago I had a girlfriend who baked a cake for my birthday and her entire family was there to celebrate it with me... I pretended to love this romantic surprise, but on the inside I felt SO uncomfortable.

I was single for 6 years after that. 

I recently tried dating again, after all my friends seemed to be settling down and I felt so terribly lonely..but it was a disaster.

It lasted 4 months, and we saw each other 4 times. Every time lasted maybe 1-3 days, and it took me DAYS afterwards to recover from it. I was just so exhausted. I loved her, I think, but I didn’t love her more than any of my closest friends. When I broke it off, I got all the usual accusations: I’m distant, too cold, running away.. that sort of thing. Does anybody else hear those?

 I enjoy affection with my friends; cuddling and kisses on the cheek. I would love to see them every day. (I tried dating one of my friends once, and the affection just died.)

 I enjoy sex, though rarely, and preferably with strangers.

it’s just.. never the same for me as it is for everyone else I know.

Am I aromatic? Or Lithromantic? Or ? ..I don’t really know. There are so many terms and I am just confused.
I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this.. so any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you for taking the time to read my post!!! 

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Only you can know what you feel, but that sounds very aro-spec to me :) 

That also sounds super frustrating, especially if people kept telling you you were cold and distant and you didn’t know about aro identities. You should know that you’re not cold or distant, and it’s perfectly fine to not want a romantic relationship; don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. :)

I’d suggest to keep reading forums and exploring. A great place to start is the YMBAI (You Might Be Aro If) thread, and see if you relate to any of those. But the other thing is that whatever choices you make don’t have to fit under any label, so make sure you don’t box yourself in!

Good luck on your personal journey!!

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What you say sounds very much like other people describe aromanticism. I had the same thing with the getting confused with definitions, for some people picking a name for the particular way they experience aromanticism is very useful, for others it is confusing. Guess that's life I suppose.

There are others here who talk about wanting romance initially but then it goes away either over time or when they actually have to act on that desire.

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  • 3 weeks later...

hi valerie! ^_^

re: choosing labels
hmm... honestly? in my opinion just choose whichever label you like best! (easier said than done of course....)

i think "not knowing which specific label fits exactly right" is an experience MANY queer folks go through... and sometimes we end up finding the specific label we're looking for, other times we just say "screw it" and go with a less specific label, like queer or arospec etc.

for example in my case, i'm also not sure if i experience romantic attraction, and how much, how often, etc. ("demiromantic? grayromantic? aromantic? aahhh") but eventually i just decided to stick with aromantic, because i like how ....no-strings-attached it feels i suppose..? for me, describing myself as aromantic means that i don't have to feel attraction, and that feels very freeing to me, and i feel at home with that label :)

i have also heard of people choosing labels based on which pride flag they like better lol

on the other hand, specific labels can of course help you to connect with like-minded people and can help you understand your specific experiences better, so maybe you could just try out identifying as both lithromantic and aro? or either of the two? :) you could just use those labels for a little while and see if they fit and feel comfortable and if not, you can always try different labels!

i hope this helps a bit! ^_^

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Hi Valerie, I am a bit late to the thread but if you wanted a bit of advice I will gladly give it. 

From what you said, I think you are within the aro-spec. Nevertheless, your romantic attraction is very valid and important. From what I perceive, you want initial connection but once you connect, it fades. From this lithro or aro are the labels I would think of. However, when you said that you see it as a chore to continue with the relationship I would say that it may be from another source.

Let me explain my thoughts on this by giving myself as an example, I did things because it was what society stipulated had to be done for a relationship, not what I wanted to do genuinely. Therefore, because I didn't really wanted to do it I saw it as work. This may happen to you too, at least is my belief. 

Try to search and be with someone that wants the same as you and put rules in the relationship. Be at ease, and stand your ground and what you believe. Search what you want, and do not go for less. Be a happy lesbian ^^. And if you change the ToR (Terms of relationship) then inform the new terms. See it as business transaction, you give and you receive. No romo if you dont want. Yes sex if you want. No cuddles, yes hand holding, etc. 

Hope it helps, peace and out :3

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