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Are You Greyromantic?


Aimee03
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If you’re greyromantic, I’d love to hear your stories! How do you experience romantic attraction (if you do)?? Do you consider yourself a very romantic person (as in, totally down for classic romantic activities, etc.)?

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As for me, I’m like a razor thin edge away from being totally aromantic. But I realised that I very very rarely experience romantic attraction, but it is so weak and mild, it’s quite like a vapor. Barely even there, really. It’s very hard to tell it’s there. Like a puff of air from half a mile away. ^^

I’ve never really had any intense crushes either... my “crushes” were probably more like squishes anyway, or they were just incredibly weak and very rare. 

I’m not a romantic person. I’ve never given or received romantic gifts, never “celebrated” a Valentine’s Day, or anything else like that. It just doesn’t ever cross my mind, really.

On the incredibly rare occasion that I might feel a whisper of romantic attraction, I might not mind romantic things so much, but usually I’m somewhat romance repulsed.

 

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I feel like I'm somewhere grey aro as I think I have had 2 crushes (may have been 1 as not sure if the first one was an actual one of if it was a mix of being lonely and thinking I'm at uni I'm meant to date now and decide to have a crush on a guy who was nice). I am also prone to mini squishes so may just have had much stronger one of that second person so I get it confused. Its also a kind of thing of I forget about it until I see them and then it goes away after and not strong enough to really feel like I need to do anything and I would be happy with just a friendship and hanging out with them. Leads me to think a QPR is overall better for me but basically would be so hard to find.

For me I'm not opposed to a relationship in any way but I would only want an emotional connection and someone to rely on plus I have someone to hang out with and ideally go to concerts and travel with rather than go alone which is what I currently do.

I am however also ace so that makes things harder but also pretty much touch repulsed as well - cant stand kissing (not that i've personally every tried it but it just grosses me out) and can only deal with the extremely occasional hug (not like long close ones just sort of a half hug when leaving somewhere) or cuddling during a film. I do think the traditional romantic things are a bit weird a lot of the time and if anyone tried to do that to me I would be dying of embarrassment rather than anything else. But yeah I also find valentines day just completely silly and in the rare future event I may actually have some kind of relationship I would just be like please do nothing for it, if it wasnt for media everywhere before it I would forget it existed as well.

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I've had a crush on someone once, and other than that, experience zero romantic attraction, or at least, not enough for me to notice. For me, the experience of being romantically attracted to someone was exciting at first, because I thought it meant I would finally understand what people were talking about, and I wasn't weird or broken. (I knew very little about aromanticism at the time.) After the initial relief, though, it honestly kind of sucked. I'm fairly romance-repulsed, so even though I had these romantic feelings, I was grossed out by them at the same time. And then it never happened again! 

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If I had to break it down, there's a few main components.  (I don't want to stick too strongly to any particular label, but greyromantic feels the most accurate.)

- Overall rarity of romantic attraction.  There's really only been a small handful of people that I've felt legitimate romantic attraction towards.  But when I do experience it, it's similar to the common descriptions of romantic attraction: I feel like I really want to interact with that particular person, it's inherently enjoyable to simply be around them, and it can be mildly obsessive in that I think a lot about them when they are not around.

- Feeling of disconnect from "romantic culture."  I don't feel much interest in dating, or really any stereotypical romantic activities.  When I see friends participating in those activities, it can be hard for me to "put myself in their shoes."  I generally can't connect to romantic storylines in books/movies.  Now that I have several friends who have gotten married, it's hard to see myself being that closely attached to other person.

- Lack of motivation to actually pursue relationships.  Even when I do feel attraction towards someone, it's still very uncommon for me to be motivated enough to seek out a relationship with them.  For example, there's only ever been 1 time, about 4 years ago, when I've asked someone out on a date.  I would also like to mention that I'm a pretty "sexual" person, in that I feel quite a lot of sexual attraction to other people, but even that doesn't motivate me to pursue anything.  I might still want to be in an intimate relationship someday, but so far I've generally been okay with just the regular friendships I have.

Feel free to ask me any other questions you have.

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I am greyromantic, and have been for a number of years. Here are my observations for realising I was: 

  • Besides obviously rarely experiencing romantic attraction, I also noticed that if I did like someone, the attraction would feel rather 'weak'.  People would describe their romantic feelings as rather intense, meanwhile mine were quite less in comparison 
  • Not knowing the difference between platonic & romantic feelings. "Does this person like me that way? do I like them back? I cannot differentiate and I am not going to try!" It also doesn't help I'm questioning if I'm aplatonic, but that is a story for another day    Also I'll often 'forget' I like someone, then my brain is like "Hey remember that person? They're cute" and I'm like "Oh yeah.. I do have a thing for them, don't I?" 
  • Not actively perusing romantic relationships, regardless if I like them that way or not. This also may tie into the fact I'm neurodiverse as well, affecting the way I socialise with people could also be another factor. Dating websites don't do much for me either, though I have used them, I want actual relationship with feelings and not one where I'm lying about my aromantisicity to make my partner happy 
  • Romantic culture doesn't always make sense to me. Maybe it's just me but my ideas of dating are different compared to most people, I'm not a fan of fancy stuff people do on dates and such, I prefer some quiet time with my partner or space to myself. But I also feel like I don't fit within aromantic culture, but that's another story   

 

Edited by Lovebird
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4 hours ago, Lovebird said:

Romantic culture doesn't always make sense to me. Maybe it's just me but my ideas of dating are different compared to most people, I'm not a fan of fancy stuff people do on dates and such, I prefer some quiet time with my partner or space to myself. But I also feel like I don't fit within aromantic culture, but that's another story   

Just a couple of thoughts. I would venture that most (if not all) aros (by any description) are rather self-sufficient (I'm trying to find the right nuance here from my original French, translation is always chancy), so your idea of "best having a quiet time" would be within the spectrum of what's expectable.

Aromantic culture: does such a thing really exist? even as a sub-culture? Honestly I have no idea but then again I haven't been paying attention to that for long enough (or have been involved in too much of a quiet time ?

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4 hours ago, vinniebandit said:

Just a couple of thoughts. I would venture that most (if not all) aros (by any description) are rather self-sufficient (I'm trying to find the right nuance here from my original French, translation is always chancy), so your idea of "best having a quiet time" would be within the spectrum of what's expectable.

Aromantic culture: does such a thing really exist? even as a sub-culture? Honestly I have no idea but then again I haven't been paying attention to that for long enough (or have been involved in too much of a quiet time ?

 I should've phrased it as 'alone time', it makes more sense. I have a tendency to experience social fatigue from interacting with people for too long.

As for 'aromantic culture' I was referring what is common experiences or thoughts in the aro community, or common flags and symbols. Or even memes. And I say I feel like I don't 'fit in' it's because my experiences are different from everyone else in the community -- and that I'm not valid for it 

 

 

Edited by Lovebird
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I think I catch some of your meaning - I'm not a strong believer in belonging in a "community".  That's outside my cultural upbringing and - hence ? - tastes and preferences. Nonetheless, I'm all for solidarity or banding together to attain a common purpose, but I really like to do things my own personal way.

I certainly don't expect validation from others whom I don't know personally, but I may value their input for better understanding and positioning myself.

Aren't we veering off topic?

Edited by vinniebandit
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  • 4 months later...

I am not sure in which category I am, so if anyone knows, please tell and help me. But here is my story.

I never actually felt in love. I never was attracted to guys and never found anyone handsome, but I dk like celebrities but I don't want to date them or anything like that, I like them only as my celebrities and idols.

But I feel like it changed. There is a celebrity that I have a huge crush on, but I thought I have a crush on him as my idol, not anything else.

It all started from a dream where I wanted to confess my love to him, but I was nervous and was scared that hight reject me.

But my other friends told me that I should confess to him and he is gonna accept it. 

We were going on a school trip , the ones where you stay for days. so I thought this was the perfect opportunity.

In our way to the bus, Idk why but our families were there. I was supposed to walk with my family, but he Was behind me and I wanted to walk next to him, so I waited and walked next to him. But I kept my distance, I didn't wanted to make it awkward.

When we were gonna go from this side to that side, his hand accidentally touched mine and. I felt... Some kind of way. Idk, maybe it's what people call butterflies in stomach.

After I woke up, I said to myself that this was just a dream and I don't like him in a Romantic way, but no.

I kept seeing more dreams, the dreams where I had feelings for him and wanted to tell him. And my heart would beat so fast and stuff like that.

But then, I saw that he was holding my hand and... Dating me.

And that's when I questioned myself: "do I really like him only as my idol? Do I really don't want to date him? Do I really not have feelings for him in a romantic way?" But yet, I don't have the exact answer.

Idk... After that I get this feeling whenever I see him (from the screen ofc) I feel something I never get before.... Like sometimes my heart goes crazy, sometimes I feel something in my heart but idk if I'm feeling butterflied and if I'm blushing.

I don't know what love is, but if it's the feeling I have for him...

Then I guess I'm in love.

 

 

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  • 10 months later...

I identify as grayromantic asexual for the following reasons:

I have only truly liked ONE person, as in grew to like them due to their personality and getting to know them over time. Plus I was really attracted to their look. They weren't super conventionally attractive, but their look was perfect for what I wanted at the time. But even then I was still not sexually interested. I just wanted to be around him and talk to him all the time. Like really STRONG friendship. All my other crushes were mainly aesthetic attraction, I wasn't interested or too scared to pursue an actual relationship with them. 

I fluctuate between not understanding romance/not wanting it and wanting a relationship with the illusive "right person" with emotional/physical intimacy. But when I try to imagine that happening, I feel it's impossible because I don't feel any romantic curiosity about people in general.

I don't care about/don't like dating. It's stressful and feels unnatural to me. I feel if I'm going to fall in love, it has to happen by chance and with a person I click with on my own time. The person cannot make any romantic gestures at all until I feel comfortable with it, which could be eventually or never. I don't feel the need to look for love, as I feel there are too many factors that go into that I cannot control. It's impossible for me to pinpoint what makes me like someone as I have only had romantic feelings once. 

Since my feelings are so rare. It's difficult for me to move on. I still have feelings for the person I mentioned earlier. However, I just kind of deal with the fact that they likely will never go away and just live with it. It's hard sometimes, but most times I am okay. 

I can't imagine falling in love and getting married at all in my life. So because of this I plan to be single forever. 

Edited by Terra Branford
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Definitely.
I'm probably something like demiromantic. But I prefer to just say aromantic, or grey-aromantic, if I must.

I have had a couple instances of romantic attraction. One has lasted for several years now and is still going on. I knew this person for several years before I developed the feelings. And I honestly wouldn't refer to them as a crush, but more like.... a deep, steady love for them. It has been said that demiromantics skip "primary romantic attraction" but they do develop secondary romantic attraction..... I think a crush is the "primary", and the "secondary" is a more deep love that comes from years of knowing someone.

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