I told my mom I’m not getting married

[PeepsInTheChiliPot]

This is mainly just to get this off my chest. A few days ago my mom and I were talking and I don’t remember how it came up but I said something like, “ Don’t worry, just because I’ll never get married doesn’t mean I’ll live at home forever. “ She asked, who said I’d never get married and I said me. I was being light hearted with the conversation, kind of testing the waters because I’ve never specifically said anything like this. I said getting married wasn’t my thing and I didn’t want to. She said it’s not like I’ve had a bad example of marriage (her and my dad have been married for 32 years and are a good couple). I just said again I didn’t want to do it myself and I’ve never even had a crush. She brought up a boy from my high school that I remember saying if I dated someone it would be him but I didn’t want to ruin our relationship. I said I didn’t have a crush on him but I don’t think she believed me. We kind of changed the subject after that. 

It wasn’t a bad conversation or anything but, she thinks I’ll change my mind or something. I know 23 is still young but I feel like I know myself well enough to know what I want. I’m very close with my mom and family but, I know now I’m still not ready to come out to them.

Edited December 16, 2020 by PeepsInTheChiliPot

[ScarfOfSexualPreference]

I really wish that stuff wasn’t expected of people. It sucks that we can’t just say: I don’t want to do this, and others think we have to or whatever

[roboticanary]

well done @PeepsInTheChiliPot

its a shame that so many people just wont believe you but on the whole that sounded like a decent testing of the waters. You have a fair idea what to expect if you decide to come out in the future and that is a useful thing to know.

Also at 23 you are probably right about knowing yourself enough to know what you want, certainly for something like romance. You have had probably over a decade of working yourself out in that regard.

[AroaceParrot]

My dad and I were talking about my plans for after university, he mentioned me getting married and was like "or would you rather stay single" in a joking manner. I straight up said I'd rather stay single... He looked concerned and changed then changed the subject. I honestly think he assumes I'll change my mind... either that or that there's smth wrong with me... Idk, I haven't brought it up again and I don't plan on it.

[Apathetic Echidna]

I feel a lot of the stress that comes with this is the fact that parents have had years to plan out their perfect life for you in their mind, so when you contradict that dream they feel upset or confused, maybe they even think 'oh they can't mean it, they'll change their mind' simply because they didn't imagine you would divert from what their dreams for you were. 

I told my mum I wasn't going to have kids when I was 5, then when I was 7, then pretty much every time one of her friends had a baby. If there was a birth scene in a movie I would use words like 'unnecessary' and 'horrifying'. Then from the age I noticed reality tv, I would use word like 'pointless' and 'idiotic' for relationship shows and then that vocabulary started seeping into weddings (which was kinda hard because my mum made wedding dresses). So my mum is very accepting because she has had many many many years to adjust her view of me. 

In short, tell your parents subtly but constantly from as early as possible. You make a discovery about yourself, figure out a way to work hints into your interactions (it is much easier if you are still living with your parents and/or interact a lot. @PeepsInTheChiliPotyour conversation sounded perfectly fine, lighthearted and you were sure of yourself). Any hinting will make coming out easier because it will/should/hopefully lessen the amount of time they need to readjust their mental perception of you.