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Guest Guest L

Can't relate

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Guest Guest L

Less than a month ago I sat down, read up on aromanticism and figured that it might fit me, but ever since then I've been constantly doubting this conclusion

Part of that is the "Maybe you haven't met the right person/had enough experience/met enough people" thing that a lot of people also seem to be struggling with, but that's not what my problem is. My main issue is that I can't relate to some of the "common" aro experiences either. I mean, I do relate to some of them, for example, not liking public displays of affection like kissing, or thinking "I'm just concentrating on my studies so I don't have time to date", or feeling uncomfortable when people ask about my love life (although that might just be me not wanting to marry or have children)

But I'm not romance repulsed, and am totally fine with romance stories. I'm okay with shipping too. I didn't feel like I was different from people around me, there was no moment when I though "Hey, I seem to be experiencing things differently from everyone else", and didn't feel pressure to get into a relationship while I was at school. It might just be my country having a different, more conservative attitude towards romance compared to, say, America, or my schoolmates concentration more on studies since it was a more prestigious school than some of the others in the vicinity, but it just feels like romance has barely been a presence in my life so far. The only times I came across it were when my school friends had crushes on people and when some of my relatives started dating and getting married + that one time a guy was trying to hit on me and I pretty much ignored him and ghosted him on social media. The last time I actively wanted a relationship and had a crush was when I was 9 and spent too much time watching cartoons aimed at teenage girls where all protaginists have a love interests (so I guess I might have wanted to be more like my favourite characters rather than actually wanting it to happen to me). Since then it just feels like I never met anyone who I might've wanted a relationship with, and I didn't feel the need to fake a crush. And it doesn't seem like I had any squishes either

So currently I can go for months barely considering romance and romantic relationships and dating

So, I guess for me it's less "How do I know without dating someone at least once" and more "How do I know when I sometimes forget romance is even a real thing"

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I'm like that too.

Though a lot of aros are romance repulsed, some aros are not.

My friends didn't talk a lot about crushes. Except some game we play as teen,  I was asked only once who my crush once. My friends didn't talk about crushes and didn't date. It changes now that I'm older but most people I know now are already in couple so we don't talk about attraction.

Also even if discovering my aro identity changed it a bit, I don't mind romance in fiction, if it's not amatonormative. I can ship people too even if I'm not crazy about it. I even write romance in my fiction. I like that.

I didn't realize I was different from people around me too. That's more linked to my ace side but it could have been the same with aro : I was very surprised to discover that people actually feel sexual attraction frequently. I thought I was in the norm. Though I didn't think about it for romantic attraction because we talk less about it (or at least on these terms), it never occurs to me that I was not in the norm.

That's why I discover my identity when I discovered the words I think. Because before I didn't realize most of people were different.

 

There is a lot of was to experience aromanticism. What unites us is the lack of attraction (in multiple forme for the grey area), but then, our relationship to this lack and the consequences differ for everyone. So don't doubt your identity because you can't relate to everything you heard.

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To be honest what you write about not sharing some common aro experiences has very little to do with whether you are aro.that main problem you write about fits in fine with being aro. fine with romance stories, plenty of aros are. fine with shipping, plenty of aros are. didn't feel pressured to get into a relationship, theres a fair few aros in that situation as well, it just depends on your upbringing. the key questions are about whether you experience romantic attraction.

Also not feeling like you are different from those around you does not mean you are alike. I do not know how old you are now but I can read that school is a thing from your past. not many people from that age would say the last time they wanted a relationship was aged 9.

So no worries, doubting your aromanticism is fine but the fact that you dont share common aro experience doesnt invalidate you.

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Hi! Although I cannot speak for you or know exactly how you feel, I do know that I feel similarly to how you are describing. However, I do enjoy romance stories, I ship many fictional characters together, but the think that I think made me interested, was that you said you don’t think you’ve had a crush since you were 9 and that you don’t really think about romance a lot. Although I do not know all of your emotions or your age, I know that, from talking to an alloromantic (non-aromantic) friend, most people have crushes many times after age 9 before their current age. Also, many people who feel romantic attraction think about it a lot from what I understand. In fact, the lack of crush and not thinking about it actually was what helped me come to terms and realize I was aro. Hope this helps!

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Like you, I relate to barely any "common" aro experiences. I actually love romance. I read romance stories, I ship fictional characters, I'm not at all uncomfortable with PDAs. I didn't even start thinking about my romantic orientation until I was 24 because I didn't experience any sense of being "different" from any of my friends, plenty of them didn't really date due to concentrating on studies and career. None of that makes me any less aromantic though, I still don't experience romantic attraction, I still don't want a romantic relationship.

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Hey! It's perfectly fine to not be romance-repulsed and aro! I personally am a sex-positive ace-spec person. You might want to look into aegoromantic or cupioromantic though, it sounds a bit like what you described :).

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