Hi there, new and some jumbled thoughts

[Nora_9]

Hi there ?

I'm new here, 30-year old female. I recently stumbled upon the term aromantic. I never knew you could split attraction to different kinds like romantic, aesthetic, sexual etc. Then I did some reading and thought, that kind of seems familiar in many points (though not all). So I hope that sharing some thoughts with you and reading of your experiences will help me figuring things out where to put myself in the spectrum (I lean towards gray-romantic at the moment).

So here some random things that come to my mind ?
- I actually love reading romantic books, or watching romantic movies, but I can't really imagine myself feeling comfortable in situations that are classically considered romantic.
- I can't imagine myself ever saying sappy romantic things to someone, and I feel a little uncomfortable for example at weddings when other people do.
- I had a few romantic relationships, but they never lasted long and usually I ended it. For example my first boyfriend, he was much more invested in the relationship than I was. He wanted to spend a lot of time together, phone every day, and I pretty soon felt cornered by that. I didn't know why, as I actually really liked him and by character and interests we fitted really well together. When he then started talking about going further also sexually, I kind of panicked and broke up with him.
- I've had sex after that with others and enjoyed it. But also don't understand lots of peoples obsession with it. In general I definitely feel strong aesthetic attaction. Not sure about sexual attraction to a specific Person though.
- I'm sometimes annoyed about people in relationships that become glued together, and have to do everything together, so like when you want to meet up they always have to check up if the partner has time as well. Of course this is not the case for every relationship, and it might sound a bit mean, but somehow it bugs me and I can't imagine it for myself. I'm happy that I can do whatever I want whenever I want without having to check up with someone every time.
- As mentioned I read a lot of romantic stories, and enjoy it, but what really annoys me is when people do tons of stupid stuff just for their love interest. Why do they suddenly get stupid and blind just because they are in love? Does that happen in real life? I can't really comprehend it.
- I don't recognise when someone likes me. Once my best friend told me a friend from school had a crush on me, and I had no idea how to react to that, and felt really uncomfortable talking about it, even to my best friend. In the end I just ignored it (and he anyway never said anything to me himself).
- I think I've had some "crushes", but I will have to think about that more to figure out, in what way exactly I was interested in these guys.
- I don't really talk about romance or sexuality even with good friends and family. It just feels uncomfortable, dunno if it's just because I'm generally not that talkative.
- On the one hand I'm acutally quite happy with my life as it is at the moment, but on the other hand I often dream about having what other people have,
one person to spent time with and have a closer connection to than regular friends. Afraid of being alone, when everyone else is pairing up.

So that's it for now, I have more confusing thougths in my head (next to the probably usual questions "have I just not met the right one yet?", "Am I just a bit too shy and
afraid of letting someone close enough?" ...). So I'd be glad to read about if you have similar experiences, and how you figured things out for yourself ?

Happy I found this forum as from what I have read so far everyone is really open and respectful ?
 

[xeen]

heyo!

I'm also new here, and I'm replying because I relate to a lot of the things you said. About six months ago, I realized I was aromantic, asexual, and genderqueer all within the span of a few weeks. Before that, I had been identifying as a lesbian, but questioning my gender for about a year. I never once questioned my attraction, and I didn't even know aromanticism was a thing. As soon as I admitted to myself I was asexual, I found the term "aromantic" online, and quickly realized it was for me. I looked back and realized that all my "crushes" were just people I thought I should have a crush on, i.e. girls I thought were smart and pretty. It actually really upset me to realize that I was aromantic. I was really sad for a while; I thought of it as mourning the loss of my potential romantic life (which is dumb, but). I had been really hopeful about my romantic life (I'm a bit of a gay hopeless romantic), and realizing I was aromantic felt like a big road block.

I related to your post about a few things, the first of which being that you enjoy romantic fiction, haha. I'm romance-repulsed in real life (it makes me physically sick to do romantic things with people), but I seek out queer romances in books and movies. I don't know why, honestly, the happy romantic endings just make me sad. I also relate to your relationship history. I've only had one relationship, but it was very similar to what you described: I felt cornered, and the other person was way more invested than I was. My best friend had a crush on me, and I thought I liked her back (I wanted to like her back), so I told her I was interested, too. I kept chickening out, though, when we got close to doing anything real. It always made me feel sick or uncomfortable to be romantic with her. I thought I was just scared, so I kept agreeing to do things with her. Basically, I led her on for months before ending it. It was pretty unhealthy for both of us, and we don't speak anymore. If only I had known what aromanticism was!

Sorry, that was more of a vent than a reply, but I've never spoken to any aromantic people online or in-person before, so I just wanted to get it all out there. I have a pretty negative relationship with my romanticism, which makes me sad. I'm trying to find a more positive outlook on it, and I thought talking to people here would be a good start!

[Nora_9]

Hey there :-)

4 hours ago, xeen said:

Sorry, that was more of a vent than a reply, ...

No worries, I'm glad if you recognised some things from what I wrote to get you started. Just let it out !!
I'm sorry to hear you have been so unhappy, I hope it helps you to share your feelings and find about others here to feel better ? ? ?

It's hard when somehow you feel the need to try to act like everyone expects (like you felt the need to do romantic stuff in your relationship although you were uncomfortable with it).
I'm in a point of life where it seems everyone around me is getting married / starts having kids… A few months ago I felt like I needed to try find a partner as well, started dating but it's not fun at all but mainly exhausting. As I didn't go on any "romantic" dates, but the few dates I have been on we just met for taking a walk or take a ride with the bikes, I didn't feel too uncomfortable. But afterwards I felt more like "Yea nice to meet you, I had an okay time talking to you for a while about random stuff, but now I'm happy it is over."
I especially can't handle questions like "what do you expect in a partner?", my brain just goes blank or fills up with standard answers I read somewhere.

Maybe these experiences in the last months also made me start thinking about it and reading stuff online, which is why I landed here ?

 

 

[roboticanary]

Hi

I definitely relate to a lot of what you have said. Not recognising when someone likes me, that has happened quite a lot, as has feeling uncomfortable talking about romance with friends and family. I get the frustration at people in romantic fiction being dumb as rocks as well. 

Given what you have said, gray-romantic does sound like a good fit, hope the label works well for you and good luck exploring your identity.

[Queasy_Attention]

On 9/25/2020 at 2:24 PM, Nora said:

- As mentioned I read a lot of romantic stories, and enjoy it, but what really annoys me is when people do tons of stupid stuff just for their love interest. Why do they suddenly get stupid and blind just because they are in love? Does that happen in real life? I can't really comprehend it.

Yeeeesss!! I love trashy romance, but it totally pulls me out of the story when you're like, wait, what are you doing??? Like, if it's a "change my life for the better because this person inspires me" or "I'm gonna take a risk and make this person a big part of my life because I like being with them" then sure, that makes sense. But when it gets too ridiculous I'll bail, lol.

Also I feel you on the realizing you can separate different kinds of attraction. Totally changed my perspectives on everything I've felt for other people. I don't even go past the basic split of platonic/romantic/sexual attraction, those three work well enough for me. Everything I've ever thought was romantic attraction turned out to be platonic and/or physical attraction, because all I wanted in the moment was to be better friends or be intimate with those people-- who knew??

Anyway hi!!! Welcome to the forums! 

[Nora_9]

7 hours ago, roboticanary said:

… hope the label works well for you and good luck exploring your identity.

thanks ?

5 hours ago, Queasy_Attention said:

Like, if it's a "change my life for the better because this person inspires me" or "I'm gonna take a risk and make this person a big part of my life because I like being with them" then sure, that makes sense. But when it gets too ridiculous I'll bail, lol.

Exactly! And the typical storyline where they start to ignore and hurt their friends when focussing on the romantic interest is so annoying.

5 hours ago, Queasy_Attention said:

Anyway hi!!! Welcome to the forums! 

Thanks ?

[Perseus]

On 9/25/2020 at 9:21 PM, xeen said:

I've only had one relationship, but it was very similar to what you described: I felt cornered, and the other person was way more invested than I was. My best friend had a crush on me, and I thought I liked her back (I wanted to like her back), so I told her I was interested, too. I kept chickening out, though, when we got close to doing anything real. It always made me feel sick or uncomfortable to be romantic with her. I thought I was just scared, so I kept agreeing to do things with her. Basically, I led her on for months before ending it.

Hey I did that too, just instead of a few months it was 2 years cause I was scared that she'd get mad at me.

[Kharina]

Hi, I'm also new and a lot of the stuff you said resonated.  Especially the bit about joined-at-the-hip couples, although that can be an initial phase that doesn't last too long.  I find it annoying though when one of the couple is a friend I know well and can talk about deep emotional stuff with or just be silly and myself with and suddenly there is this complete stranger along with them all the time.  Especially as my friends are a bit scattered around the country so when I do get to see them it's often only for a limited time as well.  I like getting to know their partner too but it's nice when friends in relationships make some time to spend with me one on one, as having the partner there really changes the dynamic, especially at first.

I've tried to date but never had a romantic relationship, it never worked out and usually just becomes very awkward very quickly.  I hate dating but keep trying to put myself through it wondering similar things to you 'have I just not met the right person yet?' 'is it something 'wrong' with me that I'm not letting anyone close enough'.  I feel very much like the odd one out, increasingly so as friends pair off.