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pigeonhead

I'm not proud.

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I'm demiromantic- and not proud. I hate the fact that the only people I end up having attraction to are close friends with no romantic inclination to me. I hate the fact that I'll never be able to date or kiss or hold hands like a normal person. I hate the fact that I likely won't experience all the things that other people experience. I hate the fact that I probably wont' ever get married, or even find someone who loves me. I hate the fact that I'll probably die alone, all because of my stupid romantic orientation. And I hate the fact that unlike an aromantic person, I'm still going to feel this attraction. I'll miss out on all the things my friends will experience. I feel broken. And when I tell people I'm scared of dying alone, they're like "Oh, it's fine, you'll find the one." when I probably won' even find the one. "The one" doesn't even exist. Is the all just heavily internalized amatonormativity? Yes. But I feel terrible because of it. And I'm not proud.

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I can't relate 100% because I am aromantic and not demiro, but I can relate with the feelings you have expressed. I also am not proud of my identity. Sometimes there are perks like avoiding relationship drama, and being free to pursue my own interests without having to consult a partner first. But I feel any pro to my identity has more cons to outweigh it. Sometimes I wish that I had any other romantic orientation besides aromantic just so I could at least have the smallest chance of finding someone. Sure, QPRs exist, but finding one is next to impossible and not every aromantic wants one. In our society, favor is given to the majority and the rest are left to fend for themselves (that's us). We are a source of pity for everyone else. How can we be proud when there is no path to happiness for us? Our generation has been given the task of forging that path ourselves and it is terrifying.

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Sharing these kinds of feelings is no doubt hard and I really feel for you. I don't have an answer for you, which sucks, but do know that there's a whole community of folks who are standing with you (including some demiros and aros who identify with the demiro experience even if they don't use the label). It's really easy to get down on yourself and it really is ok to not have literal tonnes of pride spewing from your body at every moment (or at all). Pride Month can get overwhelming that way. Living with amatonormativity is hard and I won't pretend it's not. Just know you're not broken. Sometimes it takes socializing with different crowds and different people to find a space where you can feel better heard, more optimistic, and loved and supported. There are many many people in the world (and connected through here!) who you have yet to meet that will stand by you. If you ever need us, for a vent or a listening ear, I know there are some of us around who wouldn't mind a DM or just a back and forth like this.

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22 hours ago, pigeonhead said:

I hate the fact that the only people I end up having attraction to are close friends with no romantic inclination to me.

I don't think that all hope is lost; maybe it might happen that you convert such a friendship to a romantic relationship.

I'm rather clueless about alloromantics but I think that they have difficulties with that, though. Still it's not impossible.

22 hours ago, pigeonhead said:

hate the fact that I'll probably die alone, all because of my stupid romantic orientation.

Not to be disrespectful but I always wonder what that phrase means. If it just means to be alone in the last final hours, I don't know what's so bad about it. This can often not be avoided, like in the case of accidents. If it's about loneliness in late-life going on for years, that's something different.

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Posted (edited)
On 6/17/2020 at 9:53 PM, pigeonhead said:

I hate the fact that I'll probably die alone, all because of my stupid romantic orientation.

More and more, some old people are collectively buying some buildings in order to each have a flat and sometimes communal part such as a shared guest room or things like that. Then they medicalise the building and collectively hire some geriatric nurses to take care of them. It works well for couples and for singles. So, there are many way to not die alone without finding "the one" or being in a QPR. Old people have the right to have friends.

And just for the sake of argument, a little less of half of alloromantic people in couple die alone anyway because they don't die at the same time... Most people will probably die alone (or in a medical institution).

Edited by John Rando
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I wish I could tell you that the feelings you are feeling will pass eventually, but that would be a lie. I feel you, I am not where you are, but I know all to well that dark corner of your mind who whispers that you will never be happy, that you will die alone and ugly and smelly and lots of other things. My words to you are: Even though you righteously feel like you do, do not give up hope. It is ok to not find what you are looking for. But that does not mean all hope is lost. Yes, maybe you will never find that person...but that does not mean that you will pass every second of your remaining life miserable. In your journey you will make friends that won't be romantically involved with you, but you may find those who are. I am aro and pansexual, so maybe this doesn't make a lot of sense to you, but what I do is to say "I have a very open mind" to all my friends. And I do, I really do, but that sentence lets them know that I am not an average person, and that maybe I want something more than friendship. It is not written in stone, 95% time that sentence means that we speak of weird things (ex. how the opposite of a centaur would live; can we mix genetics to adapt humans to extreme climate thus making the liveable planet zone more ample?/etc) but that other 5% means that if we both want to, cuddles may happen/sex/maybe a bit of kissing/ or any other activity that we all want to do. Maybe it won't work with you, but maybe it helps you. I hope it helps you, really, cuz what I say to myself to get out of the dark zone of my mind is that it helps neither my brain nor me to think negative all the rest of my life, let myself think the "impossible" and try to do viceras, hearts ^^ (in spanish is: trata de hacer tripas, corazon). Cheers mate

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