Not quite sure how to identify my feelings about a friend

[DaviM703]

So I have this really good friend from college, and as the whole world shuts down, which I think is making me feel more afraid of being alone in the future (I still live with my parents for now and they're often not the most understanding but better than no one), I've been talking with her more by phone and text about my feelings about a lot of things including the types of relationships I want in my life. This friend has been understanding me better than anyone else in my life for months, and I feel like she would be a perfect zucchini for me. She has been up for spending almost all of the time we're both free on campus together, and has made clear that she normally doesn't like socializing much, and she also lets me hug and lightly cuddle her significantly more than is normal for what society calls "just friends," especially for friendships not between two females, and says she usually doesn't like being touched by most people. However, she has recently talked about possibly wanting a "cookie-cutter romantic relationship" in the future and says she might not feel the same way about wanting to be something closer than "just friends" (not that she definitely doesn't; just that she hasn't figured herself out and might not, and she had never indicated she necessarily would want to be zucchinis). She has assured me that we will always be close and she won't distance herself from me based on what any partner wants, and I am definitely glad to have such a good friendship but I also can't help feeling a little sad because of how much I want to be even closer to her. I have also had a few thoughts about possibly being open to trying to act romantic for her, which isn't something I normally consider for anyone, and it's making me wonder if maybe I'm slightly in love with her without realizing it. For a little bit of context, I was drawn to her at first sight but that was because I related to the situation she seemed to be in of not knowing anyone around, and I quickly learned we were both new to that college and living at home. All the strong feelings I have had for her have been related to her personality and the understanding and caring she shows for me, though I do also think she is cute in the same way I think my dog is cute. I don't have any desire to kiss her and am mainly interested in just spending time with her in a way that feels super casual. I was wondering what feelings you guys think are involved in this.

[nonmerci]

Really not an expert on romantic relationship or QPR,  but for what you say at the end, I would say not in love but afraid of losing her if she gets involved in a romantic relationship with someone someday.

 

But that just my thoughts,  I don't have the whole picture and can't know how you feel, you have to figure out on your own.

[Apex]

Also not an expert, but it sounds like you've already brought up the idea to her and she sounds unsure? If it's something that both of you want to look into more, maybe go through a list of things commonly found in relationships (e.g., "holding hands", "saying 'I love you'", "getting married") and rate how important each item is to you, then compare. This way you can see how similar your needs/wants in a relationship are without necessarily labelling anything as romantic or platonic. Also maybe ask her to describe what she means by "cookie-cutter romantic relationship". Does she want someone to be in love with her romantically, or just want to do a lot of romance-coded things like go on fancy dates?

 

You may both find that you'd be pretty compatible in a QPR (or a mixed QP-romantic relationship). But it's also possible that her needs are different than yours and that a "more"-than-friends relationship wouldn't work out.

 

It sounds like you care a lot about her and maybe have a squish on her. It doesn't sound like you're in love though.

Edited March 23, 2020 by aepaex

[DaviM703]

To clarify a few things: she says she isn't looking for any kind of relationship other than friendship currently because she still needs to get over things from the past. I asked her about what romantic attraction feels like and she didn't know how to describe it, and I never get the impression she is really attracted to anyone around based on anything she tells me, though she did have a girlfriend in high school. She has said her idea of a romantic relationship involves kissing which I don't feel comfortable with in most cases (though there's a chance I may discover exceptions). The things I said earlier about how much time she is up for spending with me and how she is cool with physical contact most of the time with me when she normally doesn't like being touched by most people seem like a clear indicator that she feels really comfortable with me compared to pretty much anyone else in the college. Her style is also really informal, her usual daily outfit consists of a t-shirt with cartoon characters and sweatpants and a hoodie, and I think this style has a lot to do with how I got to feel so comfortable with her. She says she likes formal things sometimes but not always. Thanks for the support you've given; she is definitely really important to me but I still don't think it's the same as being in love the way allos describe it.

[DaviM703]

Update: She previously thought she was pansexual but now thinks she might be a lesbian. I don't know why it's so hard for me realizing she may not be up for any more than what we have now since what we have now is already so special but I just really want her as the closest person in my life which I don't feel will be possible if she has a romantic partner and I don't know how to deal with those feelings.

[Blake]

Ok, I am like nonmerci and aepaex, no expert in relationships so what I'm gonna say should be taken with pincers. The matter that she has shared personal information with you, and that she and you are comfy cuddling, can be taken into assuming that you both have a level of confidence for each others. She has said that she isn't looking for a relationship, however, the definition of relationship varies from people to people. You could explain to her the terms qpr, zuchinni and that romance isn't always a must so a relationship can grow. Shared with her your knowledge, then if you feel comfy, tell her what you are scared, that she could potentially put you in a third wheel. She has assured you that the bond between you will remain, but hearing it after you have shared your mind with her could help you. Hope this helps mate ^^

[Kadence]

  My advice would be to communicate with her. It sounds like she's hesitant to get into any kind of relationship other than friends but you an explain what you want, if you haven't already, and ask if she's cool with that. If she isn't then she isn't, if she is then that's great. If she says she doesn't know yet, respect her boundaries and give her time. That's the best thing I can think of for this situation, open communication.