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Figured it out at 40


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Hi all,

 

I just turned 40, I run a good sized tech company and I'm married.

 

What a crazy week. I'm at the broken end of a 7 year long relationship with my second wife. After attending a really great relationship counselling session with an amazing therapist (together with my wife) and then attending one on my own, a randomly came across an article about being aromantic on asexuality.org and it all clicked finally. I've been trying to come up with a list of things for my wife that aren't working in our relationship so that we can work on them, and all the while something inside is screaming that I just want out. But it doesn't make sense because she's wonderful, and my best friend, and I wouldn't chose to not have her in my life. I just don't want to be in *this* relationship with her.

 

I'm sexual, and so is she, we've been experimenting for years with polyamory, we play with others and I find myself sexually attracted to many of our friends. But the thing she wants the most - a deeply romantic relationship with one person to anchor her in this crazy whirlwind of experimentation, I just don't want, and just realised I've never wanted. I feel like I've been "faking it" for years. My first marriage lasted even longer than this one, and I'm no stranger to long term relationships, but after the initial excitement and and passion of a brand new sexual relationship, the part where it seems like everyone else naturally progresses into a deeper loving bond, I find myself disconnecting, or ambivalent about it. I think I'm pretty good at relationships, and I'm calm and understanding, compassionate, and all those great things, I just don't get anything for myself from the romantic bond. My partners end up frustrated and feeling like they can't do anything to please me, and I end up feeling resentful that they want me act different to what comes naturally. Except that I know what they want from me is perfectly reasonable and expected from a relationship, so I have to make an effort and set alarms to remind me to send a text every day when I'm away, or pretend that I missed them, because you can't tell a romantic that you don't miss people.

 

Since I discovered that being aromantic is a thing, and I'm not alone, I feel so energised to be myself. I'm about to come out to my wife, and I have no idea how she will react. I don't think our marriage will survive, but the idea of being single excites me, and doesn't make me feel sad at all. If she doesn't want to see me, or be friends with me, I will understand, but that will be hard, because I really do love her and I want to keep being best friends, but at the same time she deserves to be loved the way she wants to be loved and I now know that there's no way I can do that.

 

Sorry for the massive rambling introduction. I've never spoken to anyone about this before and the words just keep spilling out. I'll stop there for now though. Thanks for reading, if you got this far!

 

 

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Hello Hopeless!

 

Welcome to Arocalypse, I'm glad you found us here (we're still hard to find via Google). You may now be the oldest member here, usurping me at 37. :)

 

It must be difficult for you to figure this all out just now at the age of 40 while being married. But it also sounds like this is very liberating for you as well. It may be possible to stay married if your wife is very patient and understanding. There are mixed relationships between aros and alloros. As long as she knows you love her, that might be enough.

 

Have some ice cream! :icecream: 

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Hi Ace,

 

Thanks for the encouragement, but actually, it doesn't feel hard at all. It feels very freeing. Hopefully she still wants to be friends, but part of my personality is that I just don't get attached to people, or things or experience nostalgia. They all seem like "romantic notions" to me. I've been using that phrase for years in a negative way, to denote something that isn't logical or in the person's best interests but  because of some kind of non-rational attachment the person clings to it for dear life.

 

I've never been able to explain to someone how I can have deep feelings and emotions, but have no desire to attach to anyone, or to have someone be attached to me. So this is going to be an interesting journey. I feel like I need to spread awareness of this orientation.

 

Anyway, thanks for the welcome and the icecream...

 

PS: I just realised that naming myself hopeless aromantic whilst amusing at the time is going to have people call me "Hopeless". I'll have to come up with something a bit better when my 30 day stand down for changing it again expires.

:drumstick:

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Welcome to Arocalyse! :icecream::softserve:

 

Best of luck with coming out to your wife, I hope she can understand and you two remain friends. 

 

I hope you enjoy being a part of the community :)

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On 5/7/2016 at 8:36 PM, Hopeless Aromantic said:

...

 

PS: I just realised that naming myself hopeless aromantic whilst amusing at the time is going to have people call me "Hopeless". I'll have to come up with something a bit better when my 30 day stand down for changing it again expires.

:drumstick:

 

Send me a PM and I will change it for you (just this once!)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I relate to a lot of what you said so much. Especially about the "not missing people" and not getting attached, and not understanding what people want from you. I've always had a hard time explaining it to people, especially before I knew I was aromantic.

 

I wish you all the best in your new life, and I hope things go well with your wife.

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