Questions for heterosexuals aromantics (Questioning my sexuality)

[Costati]

Hello,

I've got some questions for heterosexuals aromantics. I've been thinking a lot about my sexuality lately. I've always thought I was heterosexual. Well, I've been questioning being bi for a brief period of time but I'm not. The thing is I've never question my attraction to guys because it was so obvious to me even after discovering I'm aromantic. I was sure I was heterosexual aromantic but lately I've actually been thinking a lot and comparing myself to other heterosexuals and I'm actually not so sure anymore. Because it seems like for a lot of them they're sexually attracted to people. I don't think I actually am. I thought it was aromanticism that made me like that. Like yeah I don't feel romantic attraction to these people but that doesn't mean I don't feel sexual attraction. But I think my idea of sexual attraction isn't really what it is. Because I am not attracted to people. I'm interested in the idea of sexual relationships a lot and to have sexual partners even have a qpp where sex is involved but I don't think I'm actually attracted to people sexually. I'm attracted to people platonically, like I want to know them more, become friends with them and just share deep conversation because I love being with people like that. I would love to have sex with some too but as a plus.

Anyway I'm not gonna talk more because this is hella confusing to me and weird to explain. So I just really wanted to ask you guys if you could define what your sexual attraction is or how your sexual attraction manifest itself. Are you actually attracted to people or you just want to have sexual relationship and can have them without feeling attracted to that person and it's not a bother at all ? 

P.S : I don't have aesthetic attraction. I thought it was important to add in case you guys think "Oh well it's like you think someone is really good looking" because I don't. It makes it so damn confusing. Please help me. I'm questioning everything it's a pain.

[aro_elise]

i got you, fam.  i've never questioned my heterosexuality, even when i was questioning being aro, and even before then, when i got squishes on girls--i just figured it was platonic, which it was.  so as for your postscript, that's very relevant.  for me, finding a guy good-looking generally equals being sexually attracted to him.  i don't think i'm good at explaining what it's like, but an asexual once told me mine was the best description they'd ever heard.  so, it's not necessarily a physical feeling, though it can be a bit in my chest, but nor is it a very conscious thought (like 'i want to have sex with him'), though if i thought about it, i guess i'd at least want to make out with him.  but the main one is 'he's hot'.  i've heard it compared to hunger/craving, but for a person, and i agree.  other things can contribute, like demeanor, but without the appearance factor, i won't be attracted to them, and i can't do anything sexual with someone i'm not attracted to.  (well, i've made out with a couple friends when we were drunk, but anyway.)  i don't just think about sexual interactions or relationships in general.  as i understand sexual orientation, it doesn't matter how you feel about HAVING sex; the only question should be 'to whom are you sexually ATTRACTED?'  i hope that helps.  i'd be glad to answer any more questions.

[Costati]

Yes that actually helps a lot because that's what I've heard people talk about that made me recently question my sexuality. Because for me my sexual orientation would be more of a woah that person is cool, I've got a good vibe about them they're interesting, we could have sex I wouldn't mind. But I never had a craving/hunger to have sex with someone. I can have this craving to have sex but never with someone in mind I think it's just my libido. I do not have at all the good-looking factor. Because for me it doesn't have anything to do with how they look but more of what vibe they seem to have. If that makes sense. It's really confusing to me because I felt like everyone was on the same page with me about heterosexual attraction but I just realized that not really and maybe I'm acespec. 

Thanks for your answer that really helps especially the last sentence because I think the answer to that question is actually none. But it's really hard to separate sexual desire and sexual attraction (especially because I feel like I've been overcompensating my aromanticism by my sexual desire when I didn't know about the label. It was easier to tell myself "You're just a bitch who uses people for sex" instead of telling myself that I was broken for not feeling romantic attraction). 

[nonmerci]

I'm ace but I relate to this a lot so I wanted to answer, maybe it could help.

I had a similar experience, except that I discover my asexuality before my aromanticism. My asexuality was evident for me, but not my aromanticism. For a while I still thought I was heteroromantic, just because I never considered it could otherwise (the fact that I'm greyro didn't help). But then, I looked back at my eventual "crushes", and realized that I wasn't attracted to those guys, I just liked the idea of being attracted to them, the idea of being in a relationship. Because romantic attraction is about desire romantically someone, not desire a romantic relationship. Same with sexual attraction.

Once I talked about it with a heterosexual about those things. He was telling me that for him, pansexuality was the most logical orientation because we should be attracted to people no matter their sexes. Though he isn't against the idea of having sex with a boy someday, he's still define himself a heterosexual because he felt aroung girls differently than around boys. Because you're attracted to someone, not to an idea.

So, I think that the only question you should ask yourself is : when you want to have sex with someone, is it because you want this person in particular, or is it because you want sex?

 

(by the way, I'm not sure that sexual attraction is necessarily about finding someone "good looking". There was a guy in a show I watched on youtube; in the comments all the girls was saying 'this guy is so sexy, he's so beautiful". But the truth is, he wasn't that good looking at all. But there was something in him that just makes you want to listen to him, somthing that treally attracts you; personnaly I called that "charisma", but that's not exactly that. On the other hand, there was another guy in the same show who were cuter, but nobody cared because he didn't have that spepcial thing)

(I'm not sure that I'm clear, but it's so difficult to express those things)

[Eklinaar]

I rejected the label "heterosexual" a long time ago, but hopefully I can still offer you something helpful from my experience.  I'm also glad to answer any questions you have.  I've had several emotionally intimate sexual relationships and I'm willing to talk about them if that's helpful.

 

I totally understand what you're saying about being way more interested in someone's personality than their appearance.  That's how I am.  I'm probably demisexual because I pretty much only ever feel sexually attracted to people after I've known them for a while.  Very rarely I might meet a stranger and find them sexually attractive before I get to know them, but that is usually a very fleeting feeling.  What you said about connecting that thinking someone is really cool and interesting with being interested in sex is what I usually feel.  I might describe it something like "This person is so cool and I want to be their friend!  Also I think having sex with them would be fun and intimate, but no big deal if they aren't interested."

 

For me, almost every case I can remember of feeling strong sexual interest in a particular person was when we were in a committed relationship.  I knew they wanted me, and we had bonded emotionally, and I knew I liked having sex with them, so I would want to have sex with them more.  In this case, I would compare it to what people would normally describe as sexual hunger, but the rest of my attraction I wouldn't describe that way.  There have been a few cases where I felt sexual desire towards someone I wasn't close to emotionally, but I almost never acted on it.  I also feel a general desire to have sex that isn't tied to any particular person, but I rarely act on that, either.  I often don't feel comfortable acting sexually until I've already formed an emotional bond.

 

Probably the most fascinating thing to me is that I usually find someone's body far more sexually attractive during or right after we've had sex.  Sexual or aesthetic attraction to someone's body is not something I feel all that strongly, except in those moments.  The rest of the time, when I think about being attracted to them, it's usually about their personality or the emotional bond we have, which doesn't really feel any different from how I feel about my close friends.

[Apathetic Echidna]

I am probably no help here as my attraction is the complete opposite of the one you mention in your first post. My sexual attraction is very much tied to my sensual attraction. I find myself suddenly fascinated with one aspect of a particular man. He may be completely uninteresting in every other way. He may have a fairly terrible personality. We have just met and I am sitting on my hands to stop from touching. If I had a close relationship with someone I know my attraction would not work in the same way (if at all), I can only presume that theoretical sexual encounter would be more of a friendship and comfort thing rather than something driven by the out-of-the-blue sensual/sexual attraction which can make me want to be close with someone even if they are the worst person around. 

[aro_elise]

17 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

We have just met

yeah, like when people criticize labeling demisexuality because they think everyone's like that i'm like, what, no.  time/closeness with someone rarely increases my attraction to them, maybe if it allows me to discover more about them which i find attractive, but i can totally be immediately and strongly attracted to guys, again, often just by looking at them.  actually there's a term for the opposite, where emotional bond and sexual attraction are inversely related: fraysexuality.  i think it would be considered ace-spec?  anyway, everyone experiences sexual attraction differently (including not at all, for aces), and it's up to the individual to decide how to identify, but to me, @Costati, what you described doesn't really sound like sexual attraction.  if you do want to continue investigating, something to consider is why you might call yourself heterosexual but not bi-, pan-, or homosexual. 

[Costati]

@aro_elise That's actually what I talked with m'y bestfriend yesterday (she's bi, arospec and might ne ace-spec too) the thing is well fristly I am attracted to men's body but as a general term. I dont have any preferences even if the person look very different because I'm not attracted to one's body specifically I'm attracted to all body type and all. It doesn't make me want to have sex with every man I see tho not at all it's just that if I've got that vibe I'll always say why not because I do not have any turn off physically. 

 

Secondly, I just don't get along with women in the first place. I don't think it's due to attractions at all. I just think it's because I had bad experiences with bullying by women and that made it hard to me to be friends with women. Mostly straight ones because I swear to god they mostly talk about their boyfriends all the time and it's a real struggle. 

 

I'm also really close to my bestfriend and I'm pretty sure I would say absolutely no way and find the idea ridiculous if she'd ask to have sex with me. I don't know if it's because I'm really close to her which would make it Weird or because I would think she's gone crazy because I know I'm the complete opposite of her type in girls. 

 

I'm not completely opposed to the idea of having sex with women. But it's definerely not something I'm actively looking at nor something I think I would enjoy but if I like someone enough and they propose I think it doesn't cost me that much to do it. But it's more neutral than positive when with guys it's positive. 

 

That's why I'm pretty pretty sure I'm not homosexual or bi. I really don't think I'm heterosexual anymore with all these comments but I don't think I'm completely asexual (which I didn't think in the first place but still) because there is a difference between women and men for me. Maybe it's not sexual attraction maybe it is I do not know.