I want relationship(s); need advice

[GeneralSunset]

Background: I'm Asexual, and sex is totally off the table in any relationship I might pursue. My romantic orientation is fluid--sometimes I'm completely Aro; sometimes I'm alloromantic, but even when I stay consistently alloro for a while my orientation within being alloro can change.

 

Since being Aromantic is one of my most frequent shifts, what I really want more than anything is a QPR. I don't think I would do well in a regular romantic relationship because they'd probably want to do romantic stuff that I'd be uncomfortable with when I shift into an orientation that doesn't include attraction to their gender(including but not necessarily Aro). The problem is, when I'm not Aro I crave the sort of romantic stuff that somebody who signed on for a platonic relationship probably wouldn't be comfortable with.

 

I know that QPRs can be polyamorous, but is there such a thing as casual romance–like FWB but romantic and/or sensual things instead of sexual things?

 

Kinda on that note, I have done a bit of research about where to go looking for asexual relationships (the specific sites are mostly deserted/not frequently active) and polyamourous relationships (most of the specific sites are too sexual in expectations) but the one site that came up in both searches was OKCupid(Which I have used, but it was years ago back when I still thought I was straight, ).

Has anyone ever used and/or seen others using it to find QPRs and/or "causual romances"? Alternate suggestions also welcome.

 

 

 

[cute kitty Meow! Mewo!]

a relationship is the agreed upon interactions between two people, often involving some kind of closeness or privacy not available to those outside the relationship. (or more people, or people and organizations, or two or more organizations, etc)

 

really the question is how do you establish a relationship, not what kind it'll be. I suppose having better language to categorize a relationship helps, but when it comes down to it the important thing is negotiating shared interests and any disagreements in a way that allows each one to be happy with continuing the relationship, especially if trust and care and communication and shared activities can be regularly enjoyed.

 

as you can probably assume from my ridiculous choice of language and concept, I can't figure out how to establish a relationship either

[Apathetic Echidna]

On 27/11/2017 at 4:34 AM, GeneralSunset said:

I know that QPRs can be polyamorous, but is there such a thing as casual romance–like FWB but romantic and/or sensual things instead of sexual things?

I knew someone that I called the 'touchy feely' friend (not my friend but in the friend group I was in), who enjoyed being physically close and doing romantically coded things with friends. However this was all to satisfy drives between romantic partners. Basically a hyper-romantic with lots of touch needs who used friends as romantic stand-ins. When they had a romantic partner basically the rest of us disappeared from their conscious thoughts. I guess that is fairly close to a possible 'casual romantic' relationship but the instability was off-putting for most people. I guess with your own fluctuations you would be much better off with someone who was stable in their attention? otherwise I see many disconnects becoming a problem. 

 

On 27/11/2017 at 4:34 AM, GeneralSunset said:

I have done a bit of research about where to go looking for asexual relationships (the specific sites are mostly deserted/not frequently active) and polyamourous relationships (most of the specific sites are too sexual in expectations) but the one site that came up in both searches was OKCupid(Which I have used, but it was years ago back when I still thought I was straight, ).

Has anyone ever used and/or seen others using it to find QPRs and/or "causual romances"? Alternate suggestions also welcome.

I think many of the polyamourous sites are filled with orgy lovers which skews the sexual expectations to the heavier side of things. I know some people around here use OKCupid. I don't know about their success rate but it is a fairly big site and the identification options are apparently decent so there should be at least some other asexuals there. However most of the activity from users here on OKCupid would be towards the noromo/sexual relationships end of the scale.

[GeneralSunset]

Well, I don't necessarily have to have a polyamorous arrangement. I just thought it might make it easier to get closest to what my fluctuating orientation wants. Basically, to have only one partner and satisfy my fluctuations they'd need to be an also asexual or ok with a sexless relationship for whatever reason genderfluid person whose gender fluctuations are in-sync with my romantic fluctuations and is also ok with backing off with the romantic stuff entirely when I'm Aro. I think I probably have greater odds of winning the lottery.

 

Alternatively, the next closest thing with one partner is finding someone (I guess preferably female, because although other women aren't the only gender I can be attracted to for some reason orientations that include attraction to them tend to stick around the longest when I'm alloro) who is ok without sex always and with very minimal if any romantic stuff when I'm not attracted to them. Which I suppose might be tolerable if it were for only a few days, which sometimes my shifts are, but other times they've lasted for months before changing.

 

I did enjoy the personality quizzes and matches based on that when I used OKCupid the first time. And I did investigate enough to know they've added a lot more ID options since the last time I visited; I especially appreciate the I don't want to see or be seen by straight people option. I found the asexual dating recs by digging through an old AVEN thread, and it was one of the top sites they recommended. I'm just kinda at a loss for what to put I'm looking for. New friends are great and all, but choosing that's what I'm looking for doesn't exactly convey a QPR type relationship...long term relationships is closer but possibly a bit too romo at least some of the time...I guess you're right about the instability thing so scratch the casual romance thing which is just as well because the short term dating option probably has too sexual a connotation anyway.

 

I realize that most of the users on here wouldn't be offering the kind of relationship I'm looking for, but I just wondered if they'd seen others looking for at least semi-platonic relationships so I'd know if that was a thing on there.

[Apathetic Echidna]

On 28/11/2017 at 1:53 PM, GeneralSunset said:

but I just wondered if they'd seen others looking for at least semi-platonic relationships so I'd know if that was a thing on there.

Well, @Mark is the only person I can remember right now who has an OKCupid thing. I haven't touched the site so I have no actual clue about what is on there. 

 

and yeah, I would have to agree that a person with insync fluctuations would be like winning the lottery a dozen times or more. Maybe a easy going, no-repulsion, romantically indifferent best friend would be preferable to a formed relationship with 'couple' expectations? This is all hypothetical anyway~ but something to think about maybe

[Mark]

On 28/11/2017 at 12:09 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

I knew someone that I called the 'touchy feely' friend (not my friend but in the friend group I was in), who enjoyed being physically close and doing romantically coded things with friends. However this was all to satisfy drives between romantic partners. Basically a hyper-romantic with lots of touch needs who used friends as romantic stand-ins. When they had a romantic partner basically the rest of us disappeared from their conscious thoughts. I guess that is fairly close to a possible 'casual romantic' relationship but the instability was off-putting for most people. I guess with your own fluctuations you would be much better off with someone who was stable in their attention? otherwise I see many disconnects becoming a problem.

Personally I'd want a higher level of commitment with that kind of relationship. Including not being discarded for a romantic partner or effectively treated as a "stand in".
Maybe allos are more accepting of this than aros.
 

8 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

Well, @Mark is the only person I can remember right now who has an OKCupid thing. I haven't touched the site so I have no actual clue about what is on there.

TBH I've found it next to useless. Seems about the only way I'd get matches would be if I was into monogamy or twenty years younger
Other people's experiences may well be very different.
It's also one of the few sites which arn't totally non binary erasing.

[Eklinaar]

Where I live, everything other than OKCupid is for strictly casual sex or strictly heteronormative amatonormative stuff.  Everyone in my city sees OKCupid as "the queer-friendly dating site", so I tried it a few years ago, but I found that I was much too queer for the population here.  Most people in my area don't know what nonbinary is, much less are interested in dating someone nonbinary, and aromantic is just way too confusing for them.  So I gave up on sites like that entirely until something that isn't for romance comes along (hopefully Patook will take off).  Your experience could be very different, though.  I've heard dating sites really vary from city to city.

 

I also wonder if part of my trouble finding people open to accommodating my experience is my age.  I find that people my age are utterly befuddled by nonbinary and aromantic identities, while people 10 years younger than me seem much more understanding.

 

To answer your question, though, I think the only way how you will ever know what those sites are like in your area is to try them yourself or ask other people like you in your area.  They vary so much by region and demographic that no account can be considered universal.

[Mark]

9 hours ago, Eklinaar said:

 So I gave up on sites like that entirely until something that isn't for romance comes along (hopefully Patook will take off).

An issue I have with Patook and similar is that they seem very strictly platonic. To the point of excluding anything sexual, sensual or romance coded. (From my POV this seems very much a case of babies and bath water ).
 

9 hours ago, Eklinaar said:

Where I live, everything other than OKCupid is for strictly casual sex or strictly heteronormative amatonormative stuff.  Everyone in my city sees OKCupid as "the queer-friendly dating site", so I tried it a few years ago, but I found that I was much too queer for the population here.

I've heard plenty of good things about OKCupid from queer, poly and kink sources. My own experience of it is very much "meh" and that  it could use quite a bit of work in terms of the logic  (and assumptions) of many of the matching questions.
 

9 hours ago, Eklinaar said:

Your experience could be very different, though.  I've heard dating sites really vary from city to city.

This is very much the case IME.
 

9 hours ago, Eklinaar said:

I also wonder if part of my trouble finding people open to accommodating my experience is my age.  I find that people my age are utterly befuddled by nonbinary and aromantic identities, while people 10 years younger than me seem much more understanding.

For me it's more like 15-20 years. Also whilst I care a lot more about compatibility than age it appears that age is hugely important to the majority of people.
Often feels like I was "born too soon" (rather than "ahead of the curve").

[GeneralSunset]

On 11/30/2017 at 2:34 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

Maybe a easy going, no-repulsion, romantically indifferent best friend would be preferable to a formed relationship with 'couple' expectations?

Unfortunately, the only A-spec friend I have IRL is 100% AroAce doesn't want anything even remotely romantically coded ever, and I'm not attracted to her like that even if she did either. So while I don't wholly disagree with your statement, I've still got to meet such a person somehow...

 

On 11/30/2017 at 11:22 AM, Mark said:

only way I'd get matches would be if I was into monogamy or twenty years younger

I'm sorry that you've not had much luck. Maybe I'll have better luck since I'm ok with monogamy and if I were 20 years younger I would be a small child.

 

23 hours ago, Eklinaar said:

Most people in my area don't know what nonbinary is, much less are interested in dating someone nonbinary,

IDK about the city as a whole's recognition/acceptance, but I have actually met one openly nonbinary person here. They introduced themselves to about 10 people at the event we were attending with their birth name, preferred name and their pronouns and nobody batted an eyelash. I'm not nonbinary myself, but that at least does give me some hope that people around my age group will be open to accepting less common identities.

 

The problems I've heard of that I think I'm most likely to encounter is that apparently a decent amount of people think it's uncommon for women to message first; and people who just wait for messages tend to get less activity as a whole, so they recommend messaging them first. But I know that what I'm looking for is not everyone's cup of tea, and so I may be stuck with the dilemma of messaging the select few people who sound like they're looking for something similar(if they even exist at all) and otherwise being a sitting duck or preparing for a lot of being ignored and/or rejected.