How to deal with bad thoughts?

[Guest ad403...195]

Lately I've been struggling with dealing with some rather troubling thoughts. I'm 98% sure that I'm right that I'm asexual, aromantic and agender. That's a lot of 'a's in my identity and sometimes I feel a little broken. Sometimes a lot. I'm blind to romance, uninterested in sex and uncaring about gender. Sometimes it feels like there isn't a whole lot left and that I'm struggling against the world on all three fronts since I would love to have a QPR with someone. But how to find that someone? It's not like you can just spot the aro in the room and if they're anything like me they probably avoid being in the room in the first place.

 

All in all, i'm feeling lost, alone and more than a little broken.

Anonymous poster hash: ad403...195

[SoulWolf]

Hey there... I've got the same set of A's you have. I don't feel broken about it though. Why does it make you feel broken? In my case, I like to make fun of the 'normal' people for their way of doing things, which seems broken to me... but I've been doing that since long before I even discovered the 'A'-words. One of the best things I did for myself was learn to love myself and not give a damn what anyone else thinks.

 

I don't know how to find a QPR-compatible person. I suppose you'd have to find a generally-compatible person first, before the QPR can really even be considered. I've met some awesome people in my martial arts class, so I guess some kind of activity group could be a way to meet people who might be interesting. But don't do it just for meeting people, it has to be something you enjoy doing anyway. The other option is to try and find someone online and then one of you move to where the other is.

 

There's a lot more to life than gender, sex and romance... what are your interests?

[Guest ad403...195]

59 minutes ago, SoulWolf said:

I don't feel broken about it though. Why does it make you feel broken?

 

I don't feel that way most of the time either, thankfully. Right now it's mostly a struggle between who I feel I am and who I feel I need to be to fit in, especially in regards to relationships. I've had a few bad experiences recently in a reasonably short time frame. Most recently I was talking to a trans acquaintance about trans issues and her fervency about her gender was really disconcerting when compared to my compete detachment from even the concept of gender.

 

1 hour ago, SoulWolf said:

I suppose you'd have to find a generally-compatible person first, before the QPR can really even be considered.

 

Seems reasonable, sounds like most relationships I suppose. Part of my issue at the moment is that I have found quite a few generally-compatible people over my lifetime, but they've all been allo and in my experience (with them) that just doesn't work out for a more serious relationship. They want things I can't provide, especially around romance, and I want things that just confuse the issue, like intimate but non-sexual physical contact.

 

1 hour ago, SoulWolf said:

what are your interests?

 

An excellent question. To be completely truthful, I don't have many. I'm borderline autistic and while it isn't strong enough that it affects my life negatively often (hence the borderline and why I don't actually have a diagnosis) I do have the obsessive side. My work, which I am very good at, is in line with this and much of my spare time is personal projects in the same space.

 

1 hour ago, SoulWolf said:

I guess some kind of activity group could be a way to meet people who might be interesting.

 

1 hour ago, SoulWolf said:

The other option is to try and find someone online and then one of you move to where the other is.

 

Yes and yes. I've had some luck online before I realised I was aroace (but see above about finding compatible people).

 

My biggest issues with an activity group is firstly finding one I would enjoy and then second actually meeting people via them because I am very socially awkward around people I don't know well. Even people I do know well, eg my coworkers, it's hard for me to be socially forward. For instance if they're going out after work I'll freeze up trying to ask them if I can come too.

Anonymous poster hash: ad403...195

[SoulWolf]

1 hour ago, Guest ad403...195 said:

I'm borderline autistic and while it isn't strong enough that it affects my life negatively often (hence the borderline and why I don't actually have a diagnosis) I do have the obsessive side.

 

1 hour ago, Guest ad403...195 said:

My biggest issues with an activity group is firstly finding one I would enjoy and then second actually meeting people via them because I am very socially awkward around people I don't know well. Even people I do know well, eg my coworkers, it's hard for me to be socially forward.

I can relate to both of these too actually. In my case, martial artists tend to be quite weird/unusual people, so at some point I decided to embrace the quirky weirdness and just be openly strange and not even really bother trying to be relatable in 'appropriate' ways, whatever that even means, and it actually worked pretty well with that group. But I suppose results will vary depending on the people. I also suppose I'm generally just lucky... I have awesome open-minded people around me, but I'd also still like to actually meet another aro/ace person at some point. Or maybe I have, and I don't even know...

 

1 hour ago, Guest ad403...195 said:

Seems reasonable, sounds like most relationships I suppose. Part of my issue at the moment is that I have found quite a few generally-compatible people over my lifetime, but they've all been allo and in my experience (with them) that just doesn't work out for a more serious relationship. They want things I can't provide, especially around romance, and I want things that just confuse the issue, like intimate but non-sexual physical contact.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I guess the only way to work with that is to discuss it with them and explain exactly what you'd like to do, and they explain what they'd like to do, and figure out what works for both of you. Probably not the easiest conversation in the world to have... could maybe be done in text/email, or something though.

 

1 hour ago, Guest ad403...195 said:

Most recently I was talking to a trans acquaintance about trans issues and her fervency about her gender was really disconcerting when compared to my compete detachment from even the concept of gender.

Different people are fascinating... I think it'd be interesting to talk to someone like that. I probably wouldn't understand their strong feelings about gender either, and I suppose I'd feel a bit weird being so unable to relate to that person's strong feelings, almost like I'm insulting them somehow... is that what you mean? I'm not sure how I'd navigate that. How do you tell someone that you care absolutely nothing about the thing that they care a great deal about, without having it seem like you think they shouldn't care so much about it? That'd probably  get really awkward really fast...

[Guest ad403...195]

2 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

Different people are fascinating...

Yes! 

 

2 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

How do you tell someone that you care absolutely nothing about the thing that they care a great deal about, without having it seem like you think they shouldn't care so much about it? That'd probably  get really awkward really fast...

That's basically what happened. I just shut down the conversation as fast as I could manage in the end. 

 

Alternatively, how do you have that conversation without feeling like you should at least feel something? 

 

2 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

I guess the only way to work with that is to discuss it with them and explain exactly what you'd like to do, and they explain what they'd like to do, and figure out what works for both of you.

Hard as this conversation is to have, I've had it at least once and the problem I had was that the two concepts seem foreign to each other. Even sharing a house with an allosexual can be awkward sometimes for me. The intersection of the two just doesn't seem to be large.

 

2 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

I have awesome open-minded people around me, but I'd also still like to actually meet another aro/ace person at some point.

Yeah, this is pretty much me at the moment too. I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I do have are pretty good people. I just don't think a relationship would work. Put another way, I feel like I'm surrounded by good people that don't understand me, perhaps can't understand me. And that feels terribly lonely sometimes. 

Anonymous poster hash: ad403...195

[Mark]

11 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

Hey there... I've got the same set of A's you have. I don't feel broken about it though. Why does it make you feel broken? In my case, I like to make fun of the 'normal' people for their way of doing things, which seems broken to me... but I've been doing that since long before I even discovered the 'A'-words. One of the best things I did for myself was learn to love myself and not give a damn what anyone else thinks.

I've often felt quite broken. For me it's loneliness, Fear of Missing Out and the chronic stress of trying to live in a world whilst I find alien and broken.
Whilst I'm very shy, socially awkward and anxious I'm also quite extrovert. Whilst finding it hugely difficult to find an "space or place" where I could join in. Especially anything sensual or sexual.

 

10 hours ago, Guest ad403...195 said:

My biggest issues with an activity group is firstly finding one I would enjoy and then second actually meeting people via them because I am very socially awkward around people I don't know well.

For me one of the biggest issues with meeting people through any kind of activity group is that my mind will primarily on the activity involved.

 

10 hours ago, Guest ad403...195 said:

Even people I do know well, eg my coworkers, it's hard for me to be socially forward. For instance if they're going out after work I'll freeze up trying to ask them if I can come too.

When the onus is on me to to approach, ask, etc. it's likely to be impossible for me to do so. I can be quite envious when I hear about people complaining about being asked "too much", since I function best being asked. I'd much rather be asked a thousand things I'd say "no" to than not asked one thing I'd say "yes" to.

 

8 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

In my case, martial artists tend to be quite weird/unusual people, so at some point I decided to embrace the quirky weirdness and just be openly strange and not even really bother trying to be relatable in 'appropriate' ways, whatever that even means, and it actually worked pretty well with that group. But I suppose results will vary depending on the people. I also suppose I'm generally just lucky... I have awesome open-minded people around me,

It seems luck can have a lot to do with it. My experience is many people who claim to be "open minded" can shut down very quickly when it comes to anything about relationships which is not highly amantonormative.

[Guest ad403...195]

11 minutes ago, Mark said:

For me one of the biggest issues with meeting people through any kind of activity group is that my mind will primarily on the activity involved.

Exactly, and then it's time to go home. So unless the the activity was truly a team activity where you are interacting with the people involved (eg, sports, etc) and not just a solo activity that you are doing with other people around (eg, many crafts, etc).

 

14 minutes ago, Mark said:

When the onus is on me to to approach, ask, etc. it's likely to be impossible for me to do so. I can be quite envious when I hear about people complaining about being asked "too much", since I function best being asked. I'd much rather be asked a thousand things I'd say "no" to than not asked one thing I'd say "yes" to.

This, combined with the fact that if you keep saying no then people are inclined to stop asking. I've actually confronted some of my work mates about this and not asking me if I wanted to come out with them and they basically said something along the lines of "Well, you always say no.". Oh well.

 

16 minutes ago, Mark said:

My experience is many people who claim to be "open minded" can shut down very quickly when it comes to anything about relationships which is not highly amatonormative.

Like most things, 'open mindedness' is a pretty relative concept and tends to vary depending on topic.

Anonymous poster hash: ad403...195

[Mark]

On 05/07/2017 at 10:18 AM, Guest ad403...195 said:

 So unless the the activity was truly a team activity where you are interacting with the people involved (eg, sports, etc) and not just a solo activity that you are doing with other people around (eg, many crafts, etc).

It's rare for many people to understand this distinction, IME.

 

On 05/07/2017 at 10:18 AM, Guest ad403...195 said:

This, combined with the fact that if you keep saying no then people are inclined to stop asking. I've actually confronted some of my work mates about this and not asking me if I wanted to come out with them and they basically said something along the lines of "Well, you always say no.". Oh well.

I typically never even get the chance to say no. I'm just never asked at all, it's horrible.

 

[Chloé]

On 7/4/2017 at 4:24 PM, SoulWolf said:

I don't know how to find a QPR-compatible person.

Can anyone tell me what a QPR person is? I've been seeing this term everywhere, but I have no idea what it means.  

 

 

On 7/4/2017 at 8:33 AM, Guest ad403...195 said:

That's a lot of 'a's in my identity and sometimes I feel a little broken. Sometimes a lot. I'm blind to romance, uninterested in sex and uncaring about gender.

I know what you mean! Sometimes I wish there was someone like me in my surroundings, which looks pretty much impossible at the moment.  

 

[Untamed Heart]

QPR - Queer Platonic Relationship. My definition of it is kinda vague and might not match other people's, but I basically see it as something that may resemble a romantic relationship to outsiders (especially people who don't know about aromanticism/asexuality and their respective cultures) but doesn't have to be defined by romance? So a QPR person would be someone who'd be comfortable in a relationship like that.

I've never been in one, myself, but I hope that's a good enough basic description! 

[Momo]

21 minutes ago, Untamed Heart said:

QPR - Queer Platonic Relationship.

And as an extension of this, QPP is Queer Platonic Partner - someone who is in a QPR. 

[Divinidia]

I'm only two A's - aro & ace - but I still feel like this sometimes. For me, whenever I feel broken or bad about myself I go to a designated 'ace&aro' journal where I challenge myself to write down all the good things about being me, like how much I love and appreciate my friends and family with my whole heart and how pretty the flags are. Maybe it's cheesy, but it works. Also, lately I've been listening to a really good playlist that I made with a bunch of songs not centered around sex or amatonormativity. It helps sometimes to get away from society and listen to the music that makes you feel normal and good about yourself.