When I was 15, I dated a close friend of mine. He had confessed to me that he liked me, and I didn't want to ruin our friendship, so I decided to say I liked him back. As far as I knew then, I was "unlikable" because that was the first time someone had confessed their feelings to me. So, we dated for a little bit. We even kissed a few times. I didn't feel necessarily repulsed by the kisses, but they felt fake. While I was dating him, I had a feeling that I was just doing this to fit in, and I was. A few months later, he messaged me and told me he didn't like me anymore. I cannot tell you how relieved I was to find that out. I was so uncomfortable with him touching me in a romantic sense, and because I am not that strong in setting boundaries for myself, I felt so amazing when I got out. But I tried ignoring that feeling for a while, and even tried convincing myself I was "sad" when he broke up with me. I even tried making myself cry a few times. The real reason that I was "sad" was because I was worried about what had become of our friendship. I ended up treating him a little badly after the breakup. I avoided hanging out with him because I didn't like the awkwardness. (For the record, everything is okay now between him and I.) He's in a relationship with someone else right now, and I feel really happy for him, even though I don't understand relationships and how they work.
i don't remember when exactly, but after the time I had my first boyfriend, I started identifying as demiromantic. Which I guess makes sense. I forced myself to crush on my friends, so I thought that because he was a close friend, I had become close enough where I could develop a crush on him. Now I know that's not true. I was doing everything in my power to think I experienced romantic attraction because I didn't want to face the reality of not experiencing romantic attraction. I don't exactly know why I didn't want to face the reality of my being aromantic. It still confuses me to this day. It took a while. I was able to face the fact that I have never experienced romantic attraction and never will. And now I'm aro fully :)