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How do you tell your boyfriend you still want to date him but your aro

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So about two weeks i got asked out by this boy who i had (And still do to but its died down a bit) a massive Squish on. It was because of this Squish that i spent loads of time with him in group situations which lead to people thinking i liked him romantically which of course i don't because I'm Aromantic, well Cupioromantic think but still. Clearly it wasn't just my friends and the girls in my class that thought this because after the school social i had two weeks ago, i had also spent all of my time with him, he asked me out and i freaked because only recently had i discovered that i was Aro and i wasn't ready to come out, previously i had thought i was lesbian and if that was the case i would have just told him that but sadly I'm not lesbian. At the time i just said um not knowing what i should do and he told me to think about it and give him an answer later. i texted him back a few hours later saying yes because I'm stupid and i didn't want to lose the friendship i had with him, I also wanted a romantic relationship and i knew that i wasn't going to get the chance to have one for a long time. I know i was selfish. 


With two weeks full of nights spending my time thinking about how I've f*cked up i have come to the conclusion that I have no romantic attraction but i do feel aesthetic, platonic and sensual attraction to girls and platonic attraction to guys and i'm not sure about anyone non-binary cause i don't know any. I also desire a romanticish relationship (like cuddling, love in a platonic way, dates ect. just no sex or kissing) but only really with girl. I don't know what this would be called but that's for another time. 


Im partly scared that he will want to kiss me or even have sex with me, which i wouldn't want to even if i wasnt asexual because we arent of age yet. I'm to socially awkward to tell him about this because what if he didn't to kiss me and yeah... awkwardness... 


I really don't like the fact this relationship is continuing not because i don't want to date him anymore (At this point in time i don't really care whether we are or aren't dating) its just i dont like the fact i feel like im lying to him about liking him even though ive never told anyone that i like him anymore than a friend and if anyone questions it i say its complicated. I want to tell him but i dont want to make it seem like im breaking up with him, i wanted to give him the choice of if we break up or not but i dont want to make him feel pressured into staying with me/breaking up. I also really want to remain friends with him and his other friends and it would just be weird to hang out with the boys when I'm a 'girl' and all of my friends are girls.  What do i say to him?

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That is a complicated situation and I understand your concerns about it. I'm in a relationship right now with a guy who has romantic feeling for me (it's more a qpr than a standard romantic couple though) and every time we meet (living in different citites) we have to have like a conversation about what aromantic (and gray sexual) means and what I do and don't like.

So when you tell him (because it seems you're not comfortable being in a relationship without him knowing) be prepared for a lot of stupid questions and lots of box ticking of "do you like this, yes or no?".
There's no guarantee how he will feel about it. He might not feel comfortable dating someone that doesn't have romantic feelings for him.


You should probably start by explaining to him what aromanticism is and then explain what you want from him. Let him know that you're open for a romantic relationship if he wants to give it a try. Then you can explain if there are any standard romantic things that you do not want to do.
I don't think you have to get into the whole sex conversation yet.

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On 12/05/2017 at 6:59 AM, Holmbo said:

You should probably start by explaining to him what aromanticism is and then explain what you want from him. Let him know that you're open for a romantic relationship if he wants to give it a try.

I think this is the best advice for any situation. Explain exactly how you feel, lay out your options and let them decide :)

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