Feeling alone as a young aroace

[AroAceGamer]

I am almost 14 and I discovered the terms Aromantic and Asexual around 2 years ago. A few months ago I began to realise that they applied to me. I am out to one random person, who was shipping me with someone as a joke, so I told them about my orientation to make them stop. However, I have never talked to other aros/aces before. When I realised I was aromanitic, it was becuase people were talking about celebrity crushes, and they asked me about mine. I said none, and they looked at me strangely. I didn't know anyone my age could even get crushes, but then I find it hard to think of anyone ever crushing on anyone. 

Questions for aros/aces if anyone wants to answer

1. How did you find out you were aro/ace (spectrum)

2. How did you come out to parents/family if you have

 

Thanks

-AroAceGamer

[Peggy]

Hey, welcome to the community and we're so glad to have you here! For me, I found out in a bit of a similar way to you - I'd heard the terms a few months before I realized they applied to me, but I'd tricked myself into believing I'd had a crush at one point, and I also had a platonic crush (I think?) that I had thought was a romantic crush, so it took me quite a while to realize. As for coming out, I sat down with my mom to tell her and was really nervous about it so it took me a very long time to tell her (I actually made her guess what I was going to tell her before I actually told her, and sexuality was like the last thing on her mind). I told my sister very nonchalantly (my sister is a demigirl and a lesbian (although I didn't know it at the time) so they were pretty well versed in sexuality terms already). And I never told my dad because I just didn't think it was a big deal, although he definitely knows I'm queer (I think he probably knows I'm aroace because I have a blog that I've mentioned it on, and he's read that).

But don't ever feel any pressure to come out to anyone!! It's tough to come out, especially for something like being aroace where you may have to explain what that even means, so take your time! I'm glad you've found this little community, and feel free to talk to us here!

[Rinpochard]

Hello! I also figured out I'm aromantic around the age of 14 or 15. I called myself ace when I was 10 because I didn't like anyone, though I didn't know about the aro label. It's stuck with me since and I haven't had to change it.

I thought I had a crush around 13-14 and called it that mistakenly but it was some sort of platonic attraction after all. I first looked into microlabels like aegoromantic, greyromantic, biromantic, lithromantic etc. before I realized I'm just aro. I have faked one crush in the past to 'fit' in which I guess is kind of common?

I've only come out to my closest friend, and I didn't really initiate it. She told me she likes guys and asked about me. I said I don't like anyone and told her I'm aroace. I don't plan on coming out to my mom before I'm 18, and that's only about a year away. I'm most likely not telling my dad or my sibling or other family members. Come out when and if you want to, no pressure or rush!

[AroAceGamer]

I'm trying to initiate a conversation with my younger sister by subtely showing her youtube videos etc with aroace topics or mentions, so that if she asks, I can tell her. Thanks for the advice!

[allhailtheglowcloud]

Hi! I found out I was aro when in health class we had to describe what romantic love was and I described a friendship. My friend gave me a funny look and told me that I might be aro. I had heard the term before but my brain didn't really click with it until then. 

I first came out to my friends by asking them for advice on how to come out to my family and they gave me some really good advice, so if that's an option for you then I highly recommend. Coming out to family was a bit harder as they had in the past talked about how they didn't understand the need to label yourself and/or come out to people but I ended up telling my family members one at a time which I found helpful because the volume of questions was more manageable and there was a bit less pressure. 

Hope this helps :)

[Rook on the Hook]

Welcome to the community! I also figured out I was ace-spec when I was pretty young (15 or 16, if memory serves, though I didn't accept that I was aro until I was 19 or 20), and even though I figured it out through having a very openly ace friend, it was still pretty isolating at the time. That said, I'm very happy to say it's gotten way easier now.  I'm surrounded by friends who both know and respect my orientation, having tons of fellow aro and ace-spec friends, and while I was met with the expected "You're still young/you haven't met the right person yet" rhetoric I expected when I initially came out to my family, that's gotten better with time as well.

I've never made a particularly large deal of coming out as aro and ace-spec. I usually just mention it offhandedly whenever it's relevant (whether I explicitly label myself as aro versus just saying sex and dating aren't in my list of priorities really depends on the audience), or come out by making a joke about it. It's one of those things that gets easier and easier the more you do it, and I've been doing it for so long that I'm really not phased when people react poorly anymore. There just isn't anything people can say to me that I haven't already heard countless times, and having actually changed my mind on my sexuality to a certain degree, "You'll change your mind!" really doesn't feel like a bombshell gotcha anymore. Like okay? If that bridge actually exists I'll cross it, but it's silly to define my lived experiences based on hypotheticals, and it would've been equally silly to do so back when I identified as ace.

[alto]

On 4/9/2024 at 3:45 PM, AroAceGamer said:

1. How did you find out you were aro/ace (spectrum)

2. How did you come out to parents/family if you have

Thanks

-AroAceGamer

My best friend (at the time, he turned out to be a jerk) came out as ace when we were both sixteen or so.  So I started looking into being ace.  I was only looking into it for the purposes of being a good ally, at the time I was pretty sure I was a lesbian.  However, when about a year passed, and I felt no sexual attraction to anyone, I realized I might be ace too.  I started saying I was questioning at seventeen, and I came out as ace at eighteen (after some sexual experimentation with my at-the-time girlfriend).  

Figuring out that I'm lith/aro has been a lot harder.  I really only figured it out right before I went off to college.  I was basically sitting down in Spanish class one day, and thought, "everyone I've ever crushed on, I've only ever wanted to be friends with them".  This was a revelation to me.  I then realized I could fit in very nicely with either the lith or aro category.  I pretty much considered the matter settled after that.  I did meet someone online after my first semester of college, and fell in love with him, but I still didn't want a romantic relationship per say (I wanted a QPR) so I feel that doesn't invalidate my identity.  

I am out to my Mom.  I am not sure if she believes me or not (I'm autistic, so sometimes it can be hard for me to parse these things).  I am also out to my stepdad.  I think his main worry is that I'm going to be lonely forever and never experience love.  That is a legit concern (I haven't told him that), because I spend a lot of time alone, even in college.  But I have a really, really good crop of online friends (including one who calls me "Mom").  So, I am not worried about that for now.  

Hope that helped.

---Alto

[AroAceGamer]

Thanks, that really helped me 

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

Welcome AroAceGamer! I hope you enjoy your stay on the forum! It's not perfect, but it's a really cool place here!

To answer your questions: I basically found out that I was aromantic from asking myself 4-5 years ago, "Why haven't I had a crush in literal years?" And then when I started applying the aro label to myself (after needing a while to accept myself), I realized that my past "crushes" were actually meshes (an alterous attraction version of a crush), since I didn't want romantic relationships with the people I liked and felt dread at the prospect of them liking me back romantically; even if in fantasy I "wanted" them to like me like that.

I came out to friends first, then to my brother who's very much a "Live your life as you want dude 😎" kind of guy and ally. I was hesitant to come out to my sister, because although she's very much an ally to the queer community and finds bigotry of any kind fucking stupid, she did show hesitance in accepting polyamorous relationships as actual valid relationships, and so I was worried she would view QPRs the same way, and in causation, view aspec people in the same way. I came out to her via text rather than face-to-face (which was how I came out to my friends and brother) and she accepted me! I did tell her how I was worried about her possible non-acceptance, and she said that she was sorry for making me feel that way, and that to her, it makes sense for aromantic and asexual people to exist. I still haven't come out to my mom, though, who I can see accepting me for the fact that my mom is completely done with any romantic relationships and had even confided in me about two very aro things she said ("I think people choose who they fall in love with all the time!" and "I think I was only ever meant to have kids and no partner what so ever"), but she's also the kind of person to literally say things about how people can change who they are like 180 in five years 🙄