Eclipse Posted April 17 Share Posted April 17 Hello. Thank you for reading this. Before I start I'm going to state that I know people online can't diagnose me with stuff, and only professionals can. There are some... things going on with me that definitely are not normal. To start, some of my therapists suspect me of having ADHD, and Persist Depressive Disorder. Seeing as I fit the criteria for depression, it'd make sense. I've been told by several people that I have it. Most of which are not even mental health professionals! And there are things left unspoken of, which I recognize may not exactly be normal. For example, and I hate admitting this, it just makes me upset with myself, I have physically violent, and... life threatening thoughts. This part may or may not be normal: one time when I got frustrated/angry with my dog, I imagined throwing him down the stairs. Or doing some other harmful thing to him. Now-a-days when I get frustrated/angry, my thoughts turn a lot more violent, physically bad. Granite I live with someone who is verbally bad to me, and someone who is physically bad the dog, alongside verbally. And guiltily, I can be just a tiny bit physically bad to the dog, because I know that if grandma sees him spinning around a lot, or something that makes her angry that he does, since I watch him, she'll be abusive to me once again. When I'm angry, if someone hurts me one way or another, my thoughts automatically turn to violence and/or homicide, especially for example, bullies. And one time out of the blue, without anger, I had a thought of "getting rid of" my cousin, and I smiled, and indulged in the fantasy, though I'd never do that. I never act on any of these thoughts though, but it feels like I'm just an evil person deep down, and I hate having these thoughts, and I want them to stop. I don't want to have those thoughts, it just happens when I'm angry, and sometimes out of the blue. It feels like I'm being possessed by some evil being. Then there's the germ thing. If I think about germs, I become uncomfortable with everything around me to some degree. When someone coughs I pull my mask up. If I touch something unsanitary (even if I don't want to), I wash my hands once, yet it doesn't feel like it's enough. I could develop a problem with hand washing that way. I hate kissing, even if someone just kisses me on the cheek or something, but I really hate being kissed on the lips by anyone. I refuse to drink or eat after my family. It's disgusting, and unsanitary. One time, I cried over a toothbrush because one of my older family members took mine and claimed it was hers, and she used it giving me her germ polluted toothbrush. I hated using it. It was impossible to put into my mouth. Every time it got close to my mouth, I backed it away, and spent some time crying because of it. Then there comes anxiety, when I do something that is normal to others and not viewed as bad, but I think is terrible, because she will verbally hurt me. I know it. I can imagine all the things she could do in situations like those and it makes me feel so scared, so anxious, that I don't care about anything else, it plagues my mind, and I don't pay as much attention, and my functioning slowly gets bad. And when I get threatened to get taken back to my parents, the same anxiety comes over me, and when I'm told again and again that I'll go back there, I feel impending doom, and tell myself I'll end myself. I also have this strong belief that inanimate objects watch me 24/7, or my life is some sort of film or cartoon, or something. That itself is bad, because it doesn't stop, and it feels like I have no privacy at all, and sometimes I want it to stop, but when I think it stopped, I get upset, because I don't feel I can live without it. And sometimes my mind comes up with these crazy probably false things, like for example: Me and my grandma's souls switched places, and I believe them, and it upsets me to believe them. And when I think back to something my grandpa did, it's like it's happening again, and I slap at the air, as if trying to stop him, and my fight response kicks in, and I keep wanting to slap at the air, even though it's not happening, and he's dead. So, I may have answered my own question, but I don't know what's wrong with me, and I can't go to a psychiatrist to get an official diagnosis, and medication or whatever treatment I may need. So I sadly only rely on my therapist to give me a diagnosis, even though that itself may not be too accurate, or self diagnosis. I'm so confused about this... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.