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Neurotypical or divergent??? (Tw)


Lunar

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Hello. Thank you for reading this. Before I start I'm going to state that I know people online can't diagnose me with stuff, and only professionals can. 

There are some... things going on with me that definitely are not normal.

To start, some of my therapists suspect me of having ADHD, and Persist Depressive Disorder. Seeing as I fit the criteria for depression, it'd make sense. I've been told by several people that I have it. Most of which are not even mental health professionals!

And there are things left unspoken of, which I recognize may not exactly be normal. For example, and I hate admitting this, it just makes me upset with myself, I have physically violent, and... life threatening thoughts. This part may or may not be normal: one time when I got frustrated/angry with my dog, I imagined throwing him down the stairs. Or doing some other harmful thing to him. Now-a-days when I get frustrated/angry, my thoughts turn a lot more violent, physically bad. Granite I live with someone who is verbally bad to me, and someone who is physically bad the dog, alongside verbally. And guiltily, I can be just a tiny bit physically bad to the dog, because I know that if grandma sees him spinning around a lot, or something that makes her angry that he does, since I watch him, she'll be abusive to me once again. When I'm angry, if someone hurts me one way or another, my thoughts automatically turn to violence and/or homicide, especially for example, bullies. And one time out of the blue, without anger, I had a thought of "getting rid of" my cousin, and I smiled, and indulged in the fantasy, though I'd never do that. I never act on any of these thoughts though, but it feels like I'm just an evil person deep down, and I hate having these thoughts, and I want them to stop. I don't want to have those thoughts, it just happens when I'm angry, and sometimes out of the blue. It feels like I'm being possessed by some evil being. Then there's the germ thing. If I think about germs, I become uncomfortable with everything around me to some degree. When someone coughs I pull my mask up. If I touch something unsanitary (even if I don't want to), I wash my hands once, yet it doesn't feel like it's enough. I could develop a problem with hand washing that way. I hate kissing, even if someone just kisses me on the cheek or something, but I really hate being kissed on the lips by anyone. I refuse to drink or eat after my family. It's disgusting, and unsanitary. One time, I cried over a toothbrush because one of my older family members took mine and claimed it was hers, and she used it giving me her germ polluted toothbrush. I hated using it. It was impossible to put into my mouth. Every time it got close to my mouth, I backed it away, and spent some time crying because of it. Then there comes anxiety, when I do something that is normal to others and not viewed as bad, but I think is terrible, because she will verbally hurt me. I know it. I can imagine all the things she could do in situations like those and it makes me feel so scared, so anxious, that I don't care about anything else, it plagues my mind, and I don't pay as much attention, and my functioning slowly gets bad. And when I get threatened to get taken back to my parents, the same anxiety comes over me, and when I'm told again and again that I'll go back there, I feel impending doom, and tell myself I'll end myself. I also have this strong belief that inanimate objects watch me 24/7, or my life is some sort of film or cartoon, or something. That itself is bad, because it doesn't stop, and it feels like I have no privacy at all, and sometimes I want it to stop, but when I think it stopped, I get upset, because I don't feel I can live without it. And sometimes my mind comes up with these crazy probably false things, like for example: Me and my grandma's souls switched places, and I believe them, and it upsets me to believe them. And when I think back to something my grandpa did, it's like it's happening again, and I slap at the air, as if trying to stop him, and my fight response kicks in, and I keep wanting to slap at the air, even though it's not happening, and he's dead.

So, I may have answered my own question, but I don't know what's wrong with me, and I can't go to a psychiatrist to get an official diagnosis, and medication or whatever treatment I may need. So I sadly only rely on my therapist to give me a diagnosis, even though that itself may not be too accurate, or self diagnosis. 

I'm so confused about this...

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After reading your post, I can definitely tell that you're not in a good mental state right now. Unfortunately, I don't know how I could help you. I can't diagnose you, nor give you any other kind of professional help, so I'll try my best to show you support.

I'm really sorry that this is happening to you, and I hope you'll get better soon! I'm crosing my fingers for you! I'm not sure if this is what you need, but remember that you can text me if things got even worse, and I promise to try to comfort you!

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If you have ADHD you're neurodivergent.

As for the rest, uhhh..... please share all of this with your mental health professionals. ADHD can come with trouble regulating emotions and intense anger can be one of those. I used to have anger issues as a kid. Not proud of some of my actions. But it sounds like you have more than that going on, too.

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On 4/17/2023 at 10:51 AM, The Lost One said:

Oh. Sorry. My question is:

Would this make me Neurodivergent?

Both ADHD and chronic depression are neurodivergencies. As with all labels, though, what's most important is that you ask yourself: is this a label useful to me/that helps me feel better or connect to a community of people I can connect with? Diagnosis is not the basis of neurodivergency: diagnosis is inaccessible to people for A LOT of reasons. Self-dx is not only valid, but it's also actually the basis for pursuing a professional diagnosis in a great number of cases.

I hope your therapists are able to help you find treatment options that help you out.

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Have you heard of intrusive thoughts? (https://theocdandanxietycenter.com/intrusive-thoughts/#:~:text=Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts,”) and tend to reoccur.) (https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/unwanted-intrusive-thoughts)

It doesn't make you a bad person to have thoughts like this, sometimes they just happen and I wanted to make sure you know that.

You also sound mysophobic (germophobic) (https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22436-mysophobia-germophobia#:~:text=Mysophobia is an extreme fear,avoid it worsen over time.)

Intrusive thoughts and germophobia are both connected to OCD (which is neurodivergent, if that's what you're wondering).

But I can't diagnose you, this is just something to think about that might give you some peace of mind while waiting to get an actual diagnosis from someone

Even if you can't get diagnosed rn, you can always watch YouTube videos from people who have similar experiences of you of how to cope with stuff until you're able to actually talk with a professional

Edited by AstrophelDragon
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On 4/17/2023 at 6:51 PM, The Lost One said:

Oh. Sorry. My question is:

Would this make me Neurodivergent?

Your post reads like serious, textbook OCD. Obsessive thoughts about harming others and about germs are classics. I'm not a psychiatrist, but in your case the diagnosis is extremely likely, at least as a comorbidity. OCD is neurodivergent, but it's also something can go away completely with treatment or (rarely) on its own.

Very serious OCD can have overlap with psychotic symptoms, and some stuff in your post comes close to this. Obviously, this isn't a minor problem anymore.

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