sadness or pain and romance

[cute kitty Meow! Mewo!]

I guess this is a pattern for me now. That, I feel something weird that makes me uneasy, and it is some kind of sadness. but I think it is romance. when it isn't and I am fooled.

 

has this happened for anyone else? that you think this feeling you get is what romance feels like. only to later realize.... no it is just feeling sad or something similar.

 

for me the biggest two were, sacrifice in movies, I used to think that was romantic but now.. I dunno what to call it anymore. but it is just me feeling sad-proud or something. and the second is, people from my past who hurt me. my biggest hurts were friends and ex's, so I thought it was a romance or half-romance thing, but then I just got the exact same feeling for someone who I never liked at all, he was a douch to me. so it is just, hurt-regret. idk. 

[omitef]

I remember that I used to hate being romantically rejected, but it was because I didn't make a distinction between romance and a QP friendship. When people rejected me for romantic relationships, I always interpreted it as being rejected for a more intimate friendship, which led to a lot of bitterness for me. I felt like it was a personal attack, like I wasn't good enough of a friend or something--which I know, now, isn't true. 

[Ugh...]

I realized overtime that society brainwashes us with so many romantic things that, for aromantics, it is very hard afterward to distinguish what is what, since most of us were conditioned to think that everything is about romantic stuff.

[SoulWolf]

I get a feeling that seems similar to what you describe, sometimes when I try to be a good friend to a particular person, knowing full well that they probably aren't going to appreciate it, but I guess I do it to keep my self-respect intact because I would feel kind of 'worse' if I didn't even try... or something like that. I could always relate to those kind of sacrifice scenes in movies because it made me feel similar... but maybe they were doing it for different reasons, I dunno. I didn't really ever think of it as a romantic thing in particular though.

[cute kitty Meow! Mewo!]

yeah it is kind of like, I assumed that I must be romantic. so I took certain  feelings and said, this must be what romance feels like. 

[Mark]

On 10/08/2016 at 10:02 AM, omitef said:

I remember that I used to hate being romantically rejected, but it was because I didn't make a distinction between romance and a QP friendship. When people rejected me for romantic relationships, I always interpreted it as being rejected for a more intimate friendship, which led to a lot of bitterness for me. I felt like it was a personal attack, like I wasn't good enough of a friend or something--which I know, now, isn't true. 

I suspect I may well have had similar experiences.
Quite possibly with them also thinking that I was looking for a romantic relationship and doing it very badly.
Through mutual ignorance of the distinction between romantic and QP. (Even though I recall thinking that I really wanted "non platonic friendships" more than twenty years ago, In a "why don't these exist" kind of way...)
Even now I don't have a clue how to seek QP. (The closest term most allos seem familiar with is FWB, except that they tend to interpret it differently from me.)

[omitef]

@Mark From my personal experience, I don't think QP is something you necessarily seek out, like how you would seek out a romantic relationship. For one, I don't ever ask my squishes to be in a formal QPR; all of my squishes so far have self-identified as romantic, and I doubt they'd be able to understand that there's a difference between me asking them to be in a QPR and me asking them to be in a romantic relationship. Instead of trying to look at QPR as a formal, end goal, I look at it as something that has the possibility of happening in a normative friendship--like an organic stage of friendship that two people reach, without really thinking about reaching.

 

When I befriend my squishes, I try to see the journey toward QPR as something that's mutual and fluid. Mutual, in the sense that it's not me trying to get my squish to be more intimate with me--it's us trying to figure out how intimate we want to be with each other. Fluid, because how intimate we want to be with each other is constantly changing. If everything works out, there might be a point in time where we become so emotionally intimate, that it doesn't even feel like a friendship anymore. It feels like a connection between two souls, that goes beyond what any normative friendship could be. And at that point, I'd call it a QPR, or QP friendship. To me, QPR is more of a description than a formal agreement you make with a person. But that might not be the case for everyone.

 

 

 

[SoulWolf]

1 hour ago, omitef said:

When I befriend my squishes, I try to see the journey toward QPR as something that's mutual and fluid. Mutual, in the sense that it's not me trying to get my squish to be more intimate with me--it's us trying to figure out how intimate we want to be with each other. Fluid, because how intimate we want to be with each other is constantly changing. If everything works out, there might be a point in time where we become so emotionally intimate, that it doesn't even feel like a friendship anymore. It feels like a connection between two souls, that goes beyond what any normative friendship could be.

This. Is. Beautiful.

[cute kitty Meow! Mewo!]

I don't understand. Omitef's post makes me feel really uncomfortable. but they are making perfect sense... i don't disagree with it... 

 

 

it reminds me of that time when my one friend said to lots of people "omg we are exactly alike!" it made me feel so connected to him. but it ended up being false... i learned that there are ways in which people are similar, but ways in which they are different even in their similarities. 

 

i guess. talking about a QP being a connection between souls. well every time I meet a person, there is a connection between our souls. that is just something that happens... the more we interact, or think about each other, the more strongly we feel that connection, the more we feel a sense of love. so to say that "it goes beyond friendship, a connection between souls" I can't agree with that. friendship is a type of connection between souls as it is. connections between us is something that occurs naturally upon seeing a person... it is simply an observation of how we are a social creature at heart. 

 

and additionally. why is it important to say that it is mutual and fluid? are you implying that romance isn't something mutual and fluid? I don't think that is accurate. I think that when these types of things are at their healthiest, they are mutual and fluid. but friendships and romance alike can both be faulty, jagged, or one-sided. 

 

and the idea of an informal QPR. in my experience, people generally like to avoid formally labeling their important relationships... i think it is out of fear that it isn't what they think it is, and they're afraid if they labelled it they would ruin the connection they are liking so much, by making it awkward. I have seen this in sexual relationships, romantic relationships, and friendships. some times when two people acknowledge their feelings too much of a rush, it becomes uncomfortable and that growing connection between them shatters. 

 

so. I agree with omitef because it is a very good observation of what makes a healthy growing connection between two humans in any interpersonal relationship. but i disagree with the implication that it is something that is special for a QPR - these things happen with family, coworkers, peers, teachers, romantic lovers, sexual partners, really all types of connections to others. it happens with pets, and places, with our homes, with our favorite games. 

 

 

 

PS.

I guess though. having realized what I just processed. I feel more comfortable with nonromantic relationships now. I feel more comfortable looking at the friendship between Tip and Oh, where Oh finds he loves her, that it is something I can view as love of a friend, without worrying about possible intended hints at romance, which worried me for quite some time. I can look at the way certain people in my past expressed affection towards me, understanding that these peers of mine were expressing how connected they felt towards me, and that if I didn't feel that way back it only meant for me, that now I know they observed me in a way I was unaware of basically... admiration, I think is the right word. If we had felt mutual admiration, we would have then acknowledge our friendship, even if it were a friendship in feeling only and not in continual interaction if our life changed.