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Aromantic or Inexperienced


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Since I'm new here, I guess I will tell my story.

 

I actually found this site via AVEN, and I heard about an aromantic website, and I thought to check it out, because I was starting to wonder if I am truly aromantic or whatever. I guess if you knew me, you would wonder the same. Here's how my story goes:

 

I am a black guy from a conservative Bible belt town, though I am raised by atypical people. My parents are not legalistic by any means, and neither am I, though I am a Christian. The difference, don't even get me started. My, oh my! Well, anyway, my parents always encouraged me to go out and date, and they were more encouraging me to go out. I'm a homebody really, and I don't go to movies, parties, or hardly any social activities. I'm actually a gym rat, and I like to sing, so I'm a songbird (thus my name). I guess I've always been my own person, and I've been a social misfit of sorts. I've just been a weird kid, so weird that my parents think I'm weird too. So, my parents were always like "When am I going to get a girlfriend?" and I would just tell them that I have no interest in one right now. However, truth be told, I have never had any interest in dating at all. I went through high school & college without ever dating, and as of now, I have never been on date and am the 26 year-old virgin. Yup, the 26 year-old virgin. 

 

A lot of people may hurl insults over being a virgin and all that, but I feel just fine being a virgin. I don't drink or smoke either, and sometimes people think that's weird. However, I just have always done what I enjoy to do really. Those things just weren't on the list. Not a concern, just superfluous. I guess I'm just a peculiar. I'm cool with that. I just don't like being name-called and "virgin shamed". That's what hurts a lot. However, in terms of never having dated and everything, I feel really glad for it. I'm not into really getting married and having children anyway. Well, I'm pretty sold on it. It's not like I'd never say never, but I just am not for it personally. 

 

That being said, there are times where I do feel a bit left out because I've never had a date. There are occasional moments where I do wonder what sex is truly like. See, when I said virgin, I should have said that I'm like the most inexperienced guy. I've only kissed once like 2 years ago, and it was more trying to get it out of the way. It felt good when it happened, but it also felt like an anxiety attack rushed over me. And that is what usually happens to me when it comes to anything sexual. However, I wasn't interested in going anywhere further afterwards. It didn't change things really, other than give me a super nervous erection. I just never was interested in sex or dating.

 

However, society seems to never comprehend that. People want to have an answer as to why that is. From what I've found, I do have an answer to it personally. Is apathy a perfect descriptor? Yes, for sure. However, when it comes to losing my virginity, I do sometimes get curious over it. After all, it seems everyone has sex, and sex is normal. My case is not normal. So, I do sometimes wonder to be. The reason I guess I have been a virgin for so long is because I tend to be scared. I mean, I tend to get really jittery with just the thought of having sex personally. I almost faint thinking about it. Can you blame me, though? I mean, pregnancy, STDs, and I feel incredibly nervous just thinking of having someone right up on me, touching my body. It's not invasion, but it's just uncomfortable for me. It's like "Back up, BACK UP!" So, I guess that can be a bit of a block personally for me.

 

The funny part is that I don't want to have sex deep down, because I don't have any interest in it. Yet I get scared just thinking about it. It's weird. I don't know what to say, though. 

 

Part of me feels like an oddball or something because I haven't had sex before. I mean, people like to laugh at you when you've never had sex, at least as a guy. It's like some sign of being weak, uncool, and pathetic sort of male because you haven't copulated, with the majority doing so in high school. Yeah, I feel like I am weird because of it. Part of me does occasionally wonder if I should just get rid of my virginity just to lose the V-Card so that I can fit in with the rest of society like a real man. I don't know. It's just not me, though. And I hate being judged a loser for being a virgin. That is what makes me mad really. I don't really care to date anyway. Seems like something banal, honestly. It's not my cup of tea. However, people like to say out to me that I am too young or that I'm inexperienced and need to just try it to see. I honestly don't know what to say.

 

Do I sound aromantic to you? Or am I just too inexperienced to know? What do you think?

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Welcome to Arocalypse! :icecream:

 

I'm no expert, and ultimately it's up to you to decide what you want to call yourself. I mean, you sound pretty aromantic and asexual to me, though... but it's not up to me to decide what you are. :)

There's tons of reading material on this site and various wikis, hopefully it will help you figure out where you stand.

 

As for those people calling you inexperienced... pick some random unpleasant thing, like walking on hot coals. Tell them they shouldn't decide they don't like it until they've tried it. :P

 

It does sound to me like you need to find better friends, though... :hugs:

I mean, if I was hanging out with people who were constantly talking about relationships and sex, first of all, I'd be bored out of my mind, and if they were picking on me for not being interested in those things... well, there'd be no real point in me spending time with those people. Especially if they can't accept me for who I am...

 

I'm 33 and haven't tried sex. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything important. I'm not saying I'll never do it, but I'd have to have a really good reason to do it, and I haven't found one yet.

 

I was never interested in relationship stuff, but I actually tried going out with some people though (they kind of asked me out and I kind of went along with it), and the whole time I kind of wondered just what on Earth am I doing, what is the point of this, it makes no sense...

 

I also don't drink or smoke. :)

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Welcome! :icecream::softserve::cake::cakeslice: 

 

I can definitely relate to not having any sexual or romantic experiences. David Jay pointed out here, in response to someone telling him he should just try sex so he knows whether he would like it, that most people do not have to try sex before they know it's something they want to do. I think the same goes for romance. But ultimately, of course, it's up to you to determine whether you are ace/aro. 

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Inexperience is probably the last factor you should consider when figuring out whether you're arospec, mainly because there's only one way to figure out whether inexperience is causing your anxiety--that is, by trying things out with other people--which is risky. When you try things out with other people, it might not always be on fair terms, both to yourself and the people you're trying things out with. 

 

Before I realised I was lithromantic, I was obsessed with trying to find The One™. I recognised feelings of romance-repulsion whenever people would make advances toward me, but dismissed them because I thought the romance-repulsion would go away if I found the right person. I ended up getting into a series of uncomfortable relationships with people, where I'd pretend to love my partners, but my partners had no idea I was pretending. It took me a long time to stop this habit, largely because of the privileges associated with dating. I didn't want to let go of the idea that I could have all the perks of romantic relationships, without putting in any of the real work.

 

I don't think a person necessarily has to "try things out" in real life to confirm their romantic, or sexual orientation. There are lots of mediums online where you can roleplay scenarios with others, or other people's experiences figuring out their identity that you can read and see if you can relate to, neither of which involve potentially hurting you and others.

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On 8/4/2016 at 9:21 PM, SoulWolf said:

Welcome to Arocalypse! :icecream:

 

I'm no expert, and ultimately it's up to you to decide what you want to call yourself. I mean, you sound pretty aromantic and asexual to me, though... but it's not up to me to decide what you are. :)

There's tons of reading material on this site and various wikis, hopefully it will help you figure out where you stand.

 

As for those people calling you inexperienced... pick some random unpleasant thing, like walking on hot coals. Tell them they shouldn't decide they don't like it until they've tried it. :P

 

It does sound to me like you need to find better friends, though... :hugs:

I mean, if I was hanging out with people who were constantly talking about relationships and sex, first of all, I'd be bored out of my mind, and if they were picking on me for not being interested in those things... well, there'd be no real point in me spending time with those people. Especially if they can't accept me for who I am...

 

I'm 33 and haven't tried sex. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything important. I'm not saying I'll never do it, but I'd have to have a really good reason to do it, and I haven't found one yet.

 

I was never interested in relationship stuff, but I actually tried going out with some people though (they kind of asked me out and I kind of went along with it), and the whole time I kind of wondered just what on Earth am I doing, what is the point of this, it makes no sense...

 

I also don't drink or smoke. :)

Well, thank you. I am glad to hear that remark by the way about the whole not hanging out with people who are sexual. It's not that I hang with them, but it's more of I tend to be solo anyway. It's like coworkers and stuff. I get remarks from them asking if I am going to be doing that. Like you, I'd have to have a perfect reason as to why I would want to have sex in the 1st place. I can't imagine why I would want to. I wasn't interested in kids or even getting married, to be honest. It's just weird to me. So, I'm just not into it.

 

However, when I hear that I just need to try it out since I've never tried having sex, I mean, it is the truth that I haven't tried it. And there are occasional moments where I do wonder what sex is sort of like. Like, I have never felt a pair of boobs before. It's just a bit invasive and improper. Guess I'm a bit coy. But I haven't ever really seen or felt boobs ever, to be honest. Or bottom. I mean, I've just never done that. I never paid attention in physiology or sex-ed to the whole sex process. However, part of me wonders what sex is like overall. Now with just anyone's in particular. It's just you always see sex everywhere, bombarded with media images related to sex or sexuality with burger commercials needing bikini girls to sell a double meat with bacon burger. So I guess I wonder what sex is like in terms of the act and all that. You wonder if it's special or so bombastic. 

 

However, I just don't think to do anything with it, though. I mean, I've never been close to anyone. I mean, I kissed once, but I have never been anywhere close to someone. I just don't like getting all close to someone. It feels weird in a wrong, awkward way. I don't know. It just seems a little raptorial really. The thought of myself being naked doing that stuff seems weird and foreign to me. I don't understand why anyone does it truly, but it's them. It just is off-putting for me. That being said, I guess I don't have a burning desire to just sleep or creep with someone. It's just not me. So, I guess I get curious about sex sometimes, and it feels weird to me to be honest.

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Sure, you sound like you could be aromantic :) I can't actually say that with certainty since I'm not a mind reader, but that's my opinion for what it's worth. Figuring out yourself isn't a precise science, for example I'm allosexual but I don't think of sex as that important and I have very little experience, so don't force yourself to micro-analyse every little thing about yourself if you can avoid it.

 

And welcome to Arocalypse :icecream:

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Welcome to Arocalypse!:arocapapo: You definitely could be both aro and ace, if that's what you're comfortable labeling yourself with. And many of the things you said are things that I can totally relate to. Don't let anyone tell you that not wanting to date or have sex isn't normal. It's just as normal as wanting to date or wanting sex. The problem isn't you, the problem are those people that try to tell you that you need to want all of that. :icecream::softserve::icecream:

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