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I sometimes feel like I'm missing out


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Hello everyone.

Yesterday I finished re-watching How I Met Your Mother, and without revealing spoilers, there's a lot of romance and friendships in it (but more romance than anything else). In my opinion it is a really good show, but it got me thinking about my own relationships, and about just how alone I am.

For context, I am aromantic and aplatonic, both of which I've known about for a long time now. I have never been in a romantic relationship and have only ever been in a few friendships. While it is fulfilling to be alone for many reasons, I do occasionally wonder what it's like to have those relationships. I sometimes feel like I'm missing out on all that stuff, which is weird because I know I am better without it.

I get these feelings every time after I finish watching this show lol, so idk if it's just the effect it gives off or what, but either way this is how I'm left feeling. Does anyone else feel this way, and if so, how do you deal with it (especially in a society where romance and friendships are the norm)? 

Thanks for reading and take care :)

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i dont really feel like missing out even though i experience zero attraction for the majority of the time. i only rarely experience alterous attraction but its been a while since i lastly felt attracted to someone

i still have friends. im just not attracted to them but i do have emotional attachments toward them to some extent. despite feeling no attraction im still capable of sustaining relationships because i really. really like the idea of friends and even a qpr. sadly i dont even feel qpr attraction 

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3 hours ago, godlessape said:

Hello everyone.

Yesterday I finished re-watching How I Met Your Mother, and without revealing spoilers, there's a lot of romance and friendships in it (but more romance than anything else). In my opinion it is a really good show, but it got me thinking about my own relationships, and about just how alone I am.

For context, I am aromantic and aplatonic, both of which I've known about for a long time now. I have never been in a romantic relationship and have only ever been in a few friendships. While it is fulfilling to be alone for many reasons, I do occasionally wonder what it's like to have those relationships. I sometimes feel like I'm missing out on all that stuff, which is weird because I know I am better without it.

I get these feelings every time after I finish watching this show lol, so idk if it's just the effect it gives off or what, but either way this is how I'm left feeling. Does anyone else feel this way, and if so, how do you deal with it (especially in a society where romance and friendships are the norm)? 

Thanks for reading and take care :)

I am feeling the loneliness for sure, but partly it's because of the culture that I was raised in that doesn't promote small talk, and to make matters worse, we like to discuss taboo topics (at least for North American societies (where I live now) like politics and religion as well as topics that dont go well outside of academic circles like science, mathematics, philosophy, etc. I could care less about football teams and sports teams and gossiping casually. Also my ethnic background is complex and that makes it hard in many cases to get the relationships/friendships/etc that I want cause of prejudice. 

Also, I'm definitely attracted to (academic and emotional) intelligence, and let's just say that it's hard to find someone who is okay with an LGBTQ person, is okay with a person of a complex ethnic heritage, AND has both academic and emotional intelligence and doesn't have the personality of a tyrant when it comes to negotiating friendships and relationships. 

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3 hours ago, godlessape said:

While it is fulfilling to be alone for many reasons, I do occasionally wonder what it's like to have those relationships. I sometimes feel like I'm missing out on all that stuff, which is weird because I know I am better without it.

I don't know about the missing out feeling as much as maybe I don't understand it, but wish I did feeling. I do like being alone & know I'm better off that way. I do get really invested in relationships in tv shows, movies, historical figures, real life folks I admire from a distance, but I'm not 100% why.  I'm still figuring out where exactly I fit in the aromantic spectrum, so maybe that's part of why there's such an interest for me, idk.

 

3 hours ago, godlessape said:

I get these feelings every time after I finish watching this show

If you get these feelings every time you finish a series, but not WHILE watching it, maybe it's filling a need/desire you have while watching and then when that's over, you're missing it? Sort of like when a relationship ends. 

 

3 hours ago, godlessape said:

how do you deal with it (especially in a society where romance and friendships are the norm)

I don't really. Or maybe getting a fill of romance vicariously IS how I deal with it since I don't want and/or can't have it irl. But to be fair, I actually do have a few friends. I'm not good at making friends, but I'm close with my sister & my former college roommate so I've got them. I do not, however, feel like I fit in to any societal "norm" for a whole host of reasons & I've felt that way since at least age 8, but likely my whole life. So I'm used to just working on self-acceptance of not fitting in generally & trying to figure out where & how I do fit & feel comfortable. Often times that's just alone at home, and that's ok.

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11 hours ago, godlessape said:

Yesterday I finished re-watching How I Met Your Mother, and without revealing spoilers, there's a lot of romance and friendships in it (but more romance than anything else). In my opinion it is a really good show, but it got me thinking about my own relationships, and about just how alone I am.

Although I think the depiction of frienships in the show are really good, I think there is something about How I Met Your Mother that is incredibly amatonormative. 

Ted's vehement belief that he will fall in love with the perfect person and the way he devotes his emotional energy into finding the one perpetuates the narrative of the 'soulmate', that there is a romantic happily ever after for everyone. There is one line I recall where Ted jokingly goes "wow if I'm not married in three years there is something seriously wrong with me" which is a bit arophobic (not to mention there is a fair amount of homophobia and transphobia littered throughout the show)

I actually partly blame this show as one of the reasons why it took me so long to figure out I was aromantic and asexual. I started watching the show when I was 14 and finished it when I was 21. I thought my life would look something like the characters on the show when I was in my 20s, and it didn't really turn out that way. I do wish I had a solid group of friends like that though. I still watch the show occasionally but I'm a lot more cynical about it now. 

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I get what you are saying.

Sometimes things are shown in such an awesome way that we forgot why we don't want that or it sounds desirable though we know in reality we won't be at ease.

It happened to me sometimes, though not with a group of friends I think. I can't really think about one example right now, but I'm sure I thought before that "this kind of friendship would be noce in real life".

I wish we had exemples of people alone and happy in shows or movies, and that we really see their experience. Instead they always picture this lifestyle as miserable. That doesn't help.

I don't really have advice, sorry. Except maybe to think about all the positive about being alone when you feel like this.

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I definitely get it. I think for me being in a QPR with an allo person made me put it all into perspective even more. After this relationship ended, even if I still feel like I might actually want a "romantic" relationship, it immediately goes away after I spend close, quality time with my friends. I have learnt to recognise this doubt as loneliness grabbing onto whatever it can.

Growing up being told a romantic relationship will be the ultimate fulfilling experience means our brains will gravitate towards that as a response to most negative feelings, specially loneliness. 

On 11/9/2022 at 7:48 PM, nonmerci said:

Sometimes things are shown in such an awesome way that we forgot why we don't want that or it sounds desirable though we know in reality we won't be at ease.

This is really important to remember: what we think about in a "fantasy" level, outside of reality, might not be what will make us happy in real life. It might be hard to know when the yearning is real and when it's mere fantasy, tho.

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I definitely get what you're saying. 

I think that it's due to how romantic relationships are always presented as something necessary to achieve happiness. Our society's obsession with romance results in devalorization of friendships and not romantic love in general. In all those TV shows, characters with no desire for a romantic relationship/no romantic feelings are shown as sad, leading a miserable life human beings - even if they have friends. And because of that, people with smiliar feelings & experiences (such as me, you and probably many aromantics - or people on the spectrum - as well) are starting to feel like they won't be fullfiled, unless they'll get themselves a romantic partner. 

But how do I deal with it? To be honest the only thing I do about it, is interacting with other aromantics (or people on the aromantic spectrum). It makes me feel understood and less alone in my experience.

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