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Possibly the dumbest question ever, but… how are romantic relationships a thing? How often are allos feeling romantic attraction?


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Hey, so I recently discovered that aromanticism is a thing. I’ve never really “gotten” romance, so excuse the possibly idiotic question, but how are romantic relationships even a thing? I’ve experienced only one instance of something that I’m not even sure was a crush in my whole life. I think the thing that baffles me most is two people having mutual romantic feelings for each other… what are the odds of that? Am I just missing something and having an “aro moment”?

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i think most romantic relationships happen because of both being close beforehand like being bestfriends and they later develop romantic feelings for eachother. another possibility is that a person knows another person is crushing on them so they reciprocated this attraction. i honestly dont get the odds of both parties sharing mutual feelings but these two are the most likely scenarios  

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I am aromantic and I gotta say... that kind of alludes me as well! The idea of romance is super foreign to me, and while I could understand the idea of feeling "butterflies" and attraction to people... I later realized these were squishes, not crushes. But from what I have heard and read, it's pretty similar. Basically, being around a particular person gives you feel good chemicals, and that's a nice feeling. So, then you decide "hey, actually, I wanna be around them more!" I imagine if it's mutual, the other party will have similar feelings and not be opposed to spending more time with the first person. 

The mutual stuff baffles me too. I guess it's chance? And picking up on who really wants to be around you, I imagine. People flirt, too, but I have a hard time telling what is and isn't that. 

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I suppose that allos often feel romantic attraction but at first it's just potential and it only grows of they actually interact.


It's weird though that it seems limited to one person, unlike sexual attraction. Does it just turn off once the person is in a relationship. Or is it just a cultural expectation that you're not suppose to feel romantic attraction for more than one person so people suppress it?

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On 10/6/2022 at 3:50 AM, Holmbo said:

Or is it just a cultural expectation that you're not suppose to feel romantic attraction for more than one person so people suppress it?

Honestly, I've always kind of thought this. Or for monogamous people, they only have that attraction for one person at a time, so (somehow) it lasts longer for the person they're in a relationship with, which blocks their attraction toward other people? Or something, anyway

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according to my research, countless hours wasting away at the TV, it goes like this.

1. they were either

a) childhood besties

b) literal strangers

c) enemies

d) anything else

2. One person (A) crushes on the other, for no reason at all. the feelings come outta nowhere. they start liking shit about them that they liked in a platonic way now turned romantic/sexual(?)

3. Person A makes a confession, person B is midway thru realizing their own feelings

4. Person B or A asks the other person out, B confesses their version of feelings for A

5. They start dating i guess lol

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This confuses me as well. I would be so perplexed that people seemed to "like" each other so much. I know how I feel when I like someone, but it has only happened once in my life. I'm grayro, but functionally I'm aromantic. But honestly, I think a lot of people get into relationships impulsively due to expectation. I always had a vision or image of how I believe romantic relationships to be, and the real relationships I see do not look like that, and are therefore unappealing to me. I haven't been interested in anyone in over a decade and people around me are shocked. But I think romantic attraction is defined differently for everyone. 

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I understand romance as a natural drive humans have. Like an instinct. People who have this "instinct" simply feel they need a significant other to be fulfilled. As to the odds, not good when you really look at the numbers. It's much more often than not that an attraction is unreciprocated. It's a numbers game played by dating. I never understood or cared for dating myself, it just seems so tedious to me.

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i agree, that seems so unlikely.  my grandma actually apparently said something similar, how most of the time it's not mutual.  i think the same thing about sexual attraction.  some people have higher standards than others, though, like my best friend (allo) has never been in a relationship, whereas some people will jump at the chance to date anyone they don't find completely off-putting.  idk man.

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