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Pls give me advice I'm uncomfy around my friend


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Hi so I have a friend xer my best friend and I've known them for all 15 years I been alive. But recently I came out as aroace. And they've been making me uncomfy, would any aros say if I'm wrong for being uncomfy in this situation.

So this is the second time I came out to him, the first time he kept telling me that maybe I was gray romantic and that I could only like my friends. I look up to them alot so that hurt hearing that they didn't approve of my sexuality. So after that encounter I was worried they were mad at me for saying I was aro and  took it back saying I was just confused. But I was so unhappy, I felt like I wasn't really living my truth. So I came out again, this time I mentioned my want for a QPR. They heard that term and ever since then xe keep bringing up, and how they want to be in a poly relationship with half QPR's and half "normal" relationships with sex and stuff. This made me uncomfy because this was right after I mentioned I wanted a poly relationship with QPR's. They also keep asking if aro people can be in a QPR with an allo person (they are allo). I didn't want to lie so I said it's up to the person. They kept asking question like can QPR'S kiss and stuff, again I said yes. That alone would normally just make me uncomfy but I would move on. The problem is he keeps taking about QPR'S and how they want one! I feel like at any moment he's gonna ask me to be his queer platonic partner and it makes me really uncomfy. I dont know how to say to him that I don't want to date him or be in a QPR with them and it's making me anxious and uncomfy around him. Am I wrong in feeling weird about it, pls tell me cuz I'm legit scared to tell him my feelings.

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I don't think it is wrong you feel weird about it. For what you say, it is possible your friend has a crush on you and had trouble accepting your identity because of that, and now wants a QPR because romantic isn't an option. At least that's what I get from the story, I could be wrong, I don't know your friend after all. But your friend kinda seem to force on the QPR idea and I think talking about it with him could be a good idea, even if it is to say that you are not interested.

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Yea, unfortunately it seems like they might have a crush on you. The only thing I can think of doing in this scenario is either communicate how you feel about him and hope xe gets it (which they should, eventually), distance yourself a bit (not all the way!! Just enough so that they hopefully get the message), or like idk lie about wanting a qpr with a few specific but vague people? Which I don't suggest that one at all lol sounds like it'd end up in a DEH situation.

The way you're feeling is completely valid and I'd be feeling the same way in your position. I know it's scary, but I think you might benefit greatly from telling xem about how you're feeling. They might not like it much at first but since y'all are best friends, he should be able to prioritize the already existing relationship over a hypothetical one.

And honestly I might be completely wrong, but regardless of how you choose to handle this I hope it works out best for both of you!!! /gen

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16 hours ago, nonmerci said:

I don't think it is wrong you feel weird about it. For what you say, it is possible your friend has a crush on you and had trouble accepting your identity because of that, and now wants a QPR because romantic isn't an option. At least that's what I get from the story, I could be wrong, I don't know your friend after all. But your friend kinda seem to force on the QPR idea and I think talking about it with him could be a good idea, even if it is to say that you are not interested.

Thank you for validating how I feel cuz I was gen worried I was going crazy. But I'm really hoping we're both wrong and xer just weird, ;^; I'm not good at talking to them about serious stuff so let's hope things turn out well ; thanks again m8 <3

25 minutes ago, Gabriel14 said:

Yea, unfortunately it seems like they might have a crush on you. The only thing I can think of doing in this scenario is either communicate how you feel about him and hope xe gets it (which they should, eventually), distance yourself a bit (not all the way!! Just enough so that they hopefully get the message), or like idk lie about wanting a qpr with a few specific but vague people? Which I don't suggest that one at all lol sounds like it'd end up in a DEH situation.

The way you're feeling is completely valid and I'd be feeling the same way in your position. I know it's scary, but I think you might benefit greatly from telling xem about how you're feeling. They might not like it much at first but since y'all are best friends, he should be able to prioritize the already existing relationship over a hypothetical one.

And honestly I might be completely wrong, but regardless of how you choose to handle this I hope it works out best for both of you!!! /gen

God's I really hope your right about xem being able to get over the crush with space, because I cannot talk for my life ;^; Thanks for saying you would feel the same too makes me feel like I'm not alone or weird for feeling how I do <3 I'm really hoping this dosent fuck up our friendship, but atleast I know if it does that I wasn't wrong for feeling uncomfortable. Here's to hoping I don't get terror struck bringing it up. Thanks m8 <3 /gen

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Alright, listen. Ya gotta learn to assert yourself. I've seen a lot of shit in my 23 years as a neurodivergent aro, and the biggest thing I've learned is that you have to speak up for yourself, because keeping quiet when something's bothering you just creates a festering wound that won't get better. Assert your boundaries. Nobody will stop doing something that makes you uncomfortable if they don't know that it does- And if they suspect, they still probably won't until you explicitly tell them to stop.

If your friend's behavior makes you uncomfortable, TELL HIM. Tell xem in no uncertain terms, "Hey, I'm sorry but I really don't want a QPR myself, and it makes me uncomfortable when you say these sorts of things" etc., or however you want to communicate your feelings, you know. Just be up front with it. If they still don't stop? Ditch 'em. Good friends respect their friends' boundaries when they've been established, and if this pal of yours won't, then he's a bad friend, plain and simple.

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