Lonely as an Aro?

[RecoveryMode]

Realising I am aromantic has been a rrally difficult thing to come to terms with. Much more so than realising I’m asexual. The weird thing is I always thought I was straight and had crushes on guys growing up... until I realised I never wanted them for romantic reasons. I guess I desire some kind of hetero-platonic relationship without all the romance. I really want some kind of life union with a partner. I still think I want love with someone, but the truest form of love in my eyes is non-romantic. Am I pretty much gonna be alone forever realistically? Or are there other aros on the same wavelength with this? Because I love the idea of having a family (via adopting), and being in true platonic love with someone... without that physical or sexual affection. Is this uncommon for aros? If it’s possible... how do I go about seeking a partner who will accept this and want the same? Any aros out there with successful non-romantic life relationships? 

[Erederyn]

I am also someone who really desires a found family and perhaps a life partner (although this is not 100% necessary). It can definitely feel daunting and very lonely at times being aro and wanting this sort of life partnership/relationship. There aren't really any roadmaps, so we have to essentially create our own relationships and navigate this in a world that is not used to platonic relationships of this sort. But I have noticed more and more (allo) people realizing the importance of platonic relationships and being more open to this, so it's not totally hopeless. 

I did have a queerplatonic partner with an alloromantic allosexual person. So it is possible and for the most part it was rather successful! Unfortunately, because of long-distance (permanently moved to another country) and some mental health issues, we ended the partnership (although we are still very good friends), but otherwise, we'd probably still be together. As to how to seek a partnership, I think the first step is looking at yourself. Before seeking out a partnership, you need to truly define what is a partnership for yourself. This might seem obvious, but sometimes partnerships don't work out because this wasn't really clear to begin with. I think relationship anarchy comes in very handy here (what are the elements that you want in a partnership). And another important thing is to consider what is non-negotiable for you and what things you are more flexible on. As someone seeking a non-traditional relationship, flexibility can be important (although don't sell yourself short and don't ever make yourself do something you're not comfortable with). I started off really wanting a life platonic partnership, but I have become okay with the fact that that might not be possible/really hard to find and would be happy with having a found family with friends without partnership. 

I can't give any advice as to how to seek a partner via apps or online because I've never used those and honestly, I'm not sure what all there is out there. But I can share how I go about this. What I have learned is to be very open and forthcoming with friends (friends you trust and are close with and with whom you could see yourself sharing a life with). I have had many conversations with friends about commitment, what I need in my friendships, what I want for the future, and checked in with them on how they feel about all that. This is how I started my first QPP. It's not always succesful, of course. And really, even if these conversations don't result in a partnership, you might find that your friendships become closer and can better provide you with the support that you need. That's what happened for me, and actually, I have felt less of a need for a partnership. Perhaps this approach is not really suitable for you, but could be something to try! 

But no, I don't think you will be alone forever. It is hard, I won't sugar coat that. It takes a lot of work and might take a lot of trial and error and there might be quite some disappointment. Also, you might not find the exact type of relationship that you're looking for. But don't be discouraged, it's not all hopeless. There is a chance of you finding a partnership that you want ? (sorry this ended up long haha)

[El011]

I don't think romance is more or less true than nonromantic love but the feeling of social isolation as an aro is such a mood.

[Cheerio]

This notion is more common than you think, you're not alone! I really resonated with your story and I know other people who would as well. The aros that I know (myself included), have all expressed this desire to one day have a platonic relationship or a found family like you described. User, Erederyn, is right. It's not impossible and you won't be alone forever? . We never know who is going to come into our lives in the future, so don't give up hope that you won't cross paths with someone who shares your feelings. A relationship that you never thought was possible may present itself to you someday!

Edited November 14, 2020 by Cheerio