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squishes and querplatonic relationships

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please explain to me why a squish and a queerplatonic partnership are not romantic??

 

I saw someone post the other day in another forum, the comment, "are you at the point with your squish where you can ask them to be your QPP?" and that sentence is just 100% the kind of sentence you'd say if your framework is romantic, not aromantic. It took venting here instead of there not to interject and be a big dumb idiot at him for his weird comment lol.

 

Like, I don't f'ing get it. Being aromantic isn't an excuse to buy out of the romance culture that you find unappealing, and it isn't an excuse to sidestep the ickyness of falling in love or gushing about how some person is your better half. Just because a person doesn't like the culture around romance, doesn't like dating, doesn't fall in love, and doesn't consider their partner their other half as if they're joined by romance...... like, these are NOT the definition of an romantic person. No, they are not. Not every romantic person feels those and not every romantic person desires those things.

 

Even the intention of pairing up with someone someday, in and of itself, is an romantic intention. a partnership between two people, like in life not in work lol, is, inherently, romantic relationships. Police partnerships can have romantic tension because it's too romantic being a partner on the police force or fire department with someone - for some folk, certain activities are no-no because it's too close to romanticism that it makes them uncomfortable - such behavior is reserved for their romantic partner at home, not for a coworker.

 

What is aromanticism??? I am not sure the best way to define it. Because, the thing is, aromantic people do sometimes find themselves with feelings of quasi-crushes, which they have a hard time figuring out "what is this" because it doesn't lead them to a path of romantic pairing. it leads them to a friend they care about deeply, along with their other friends. and it certainly isn't a poly thing - it's just friendship. Maybe they really get into their friends on a close, emotional level - but it still is friendship, just a close friend. some have one close friend some have many.

 

What is a QPP?? it isn't something you dream of being in, it isn't some fantasy goal, it isn't the best way for you to be you by being WITH someone. it isn't the future "us" you know you'll one day be a part of. all of that is romanticism - perhaps your romantic emotional experience isn't very big a deal isn't something that you feel really is a part of your life - but having overflowing emotions about some special someone is just ONE part of romanticism, if you lack it OK I'm glad you've identified that but wait please notice that you still dream of being a partner to someone. (if you do in fact dream of being partners to someone) - this is romantic.

So what is a QPP? it is either a) something you find and say, hey, this is cool - a roomate that you just keep living with because it works, you're friends, and this is a great life.  b) literally a compromise in some way - either you don't want to deal with the pressure from culture to be paired, so you pair with a friend, or because you have a friend who falls for you and wants to be with you and you are like, oh, sure, just, remember I'm not romantic - that's not going to hurt you right? Or, just, something along those lines - not some dream to live life to your happiest by being with someone lol.

 

note that these are not QPF's - queerplatonic friends. people who are your best friend. not a partner. There are queerplatonic situations beyond the scope of my discussion - I'm focusing on partnerships.

 

so lol compromise lol - you could joke about it being a lesser of two evils, xD.

--"I don't want to hurt my friend, so I partnered up with them 'cause why not? it'll be awks if another friend falls for me too and wants me to be with them instead. hope that don't happen."

--"I like being on-my-own, but, all my friends are married now and it's hard to lack a 'family' to talk about like they have - I found another aro in a similar situation, and we just go to social gatherings as a pair all the time 'cuase it makes keeping up with our long term friends so much easier. like, we're partners, sure, but really we're friends, roommates, just 'cause it's us don't make it romantic."

--"we were always good friends, and we just it was so natural to room together when we moved to the same city for work. it's been basically we've been friends for so long - it'd be weird if we had to switch things up, so we decided hey why not partner up - nothing romantic lol but just, you're my best friend and I'm too used to you being around." and heck, even that sure sounds romantic but - y'know, if you really think about it it isn't. y'know???

>but just. "oh wow I can't wait to be in a QPP" no that's not a sentiment an aro has, sorry. you're dreaming of romance!!!

 

because if you're dreaming of having a partner - this is romantic. if your plan in life is to have a partner, this is romantic. if you know that you're happiest partnered up - this is romantic. Sure I understand if, maybe you think you're aromantic because you don't have any strong feelings about any individual - common misconception that that's all there is to romanticism. But please pause for a second and realize, that you are desiring an romantic relationship. AKA a "closest person" who is your partner - someone to share your life with in some way, above anyone else - not just a friend.

Q: OH NO KITTY why you saying "romance is better than friendship???"  A: see, it isn't but if you think one friend is better than every other friend (and that friend is clearly your partner) you are recognizing that person as your romantic partner.

 

Sometimes sure, some aromantic folk end up with romantic partners. but they sure don't dream of having it be a part of their life - because that's romanticism. It's just something they land in and say, well, cool, sounds okay enough, I'll live with it just fine. NBD.

 

 

 

maybe y'know maybe you want to have a label to identify that you don't feel romantic emotions for specific people, that you only dream of a partnership (aka have romantic emotions about partnered life) - but that'd be cupioromantic - something that is greyro at it's "aroest". someone who appears aromantic - except, for whatever reason they have desire to be in a romantic relationship. this, is part of the greyromantic unbrella lmao.

 

 

 

BUT ANYWAY as the question is - what is a squish? what is a QPP? because too often, oh too often, when I see people talking about these - it sure sounds a lot like repressed romanticism. And I really would prefer it if I had concise, quick words to discuss the topic without ranting about it xD

 

 

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Interesting...

 

7 hours ago, cute kitty Meow! Mewo! said:

it isn't but if you think one friend is better than every other friend (and that friend is clearly your partner) you are recognizing that person as your romantic partner.

Well some friends are better than others... in a variety of different ways. I'm not entirely sure how people decide who their "best friend" is, (never happened to me lol), but what exactly is the difference between a best friend and a romantic partner then?

 

I don't really get how people can want a QPP without knowing a specific person for it. But then on the other hand, all I've wanted my whole life was a 'best friend'. But I'm not even sure what that means anymore...

 

Where do you draw the line between friendship and partnership? ... And why draw a line at all? All these definitions make my head hurt... :P

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Okay before I start I would like to say I'm possibly cupioromantic but I tend to just say I'm Aromantic I prefer broader labels if I must have them. Oh and like no one knows what cupioromantic.

 

I desire a close partnership that I don't have currently. I desire being able to hug and cuddle with a person as well as being able to have a deep conversation. I could have this with friendship but I don't tend to be an affectionate person towards my friends. This is more the sort of relationship I would concider a queerplatonic one for me at least. Its more than ordinary best friends for me but there isn't any romantic love.

 

My squish is the girl who in particular I want this slightly more than friendship relationship, I don't want to kiss her or have sexual intercourse in fact the idea of that disgusts me. If we went out to dinner or the movies it would be just like friends. I don't even really want to hold hands although I wouldn't be against it either. I don't find her attractive, cute, hot sexy ect. But just like anyone else I can see how others would find her attractive. I know she has this huge crush on this guy she's friends with and I don't feel jealous and if we were to be in a QPR and she still liked him I still wouldn't mind. She could date him and it wouldn't bother me as long as she doesn't ignore me or anything. I would get more jealous of one of her friends than of a boyfriend or romantic interest of hers.

 

If we were to get married it would be purley for financial and legal benefits and we probably wouldn't have a big wedding but I'd be unlikely to do that as it stops her from having a proper husband. If we had a child (adopted) we would- actually we wouldn't have a child unless they were homeless in which case I would want to be a friend/carer of the child not a parent exactly but that's just me.

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I dunno, sorry. there's a reason I rote 500 words lol - I dunno how to say what I'm thinking in 15. so I say abuncha stuff and honestly in the end, it doesn't even make the right sense y'know?

 

ranting is annoying but eventually I'll figure out how to explain it well. .. idk..

 

and anyway I have a hard time trusting people regarding being aromantic, 'cause I can't even trust myself for what is or isn't romantic, y'know?

 

romance is so confusing. generally, people don't talk about friend-attraction, 'cause that makes it seem mushy romantic lol :P but that's silly 'cause people totally like friends. 

 

waht even is attraction???

 

I'm so confused.

 

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I have never been romantically attracted to anyone in my entire life. Therefore, I identify as aromantic. But I love my friends to the moon and back, platonically.

 

While I wouldn't call it a life goal for me, I would be happy in sort of a permanent-roommate situation with my best friend. I don't know that I personally would want to call it a partnership because of how romantic-coded that idea is (and because of years of being sidelined by people when they get romantic partners--I'm resistant to the idea of becoming a single unit with another person) I don't think there's anything inherently romantic about wanting a permanent partner. Not every aromantic wants that just like not every alloromantic wants that. The difference is that as an aromantic person, whether I want a partnership or not, I don't experience romantic feelings. Orientation is about attraction, not behavior.

20 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

Where do you draw the line between friendship and partnership? ... And why draw a line at all? All these definitions make my head hurt... :P

This is the way I like to look at it. The more we try to define things with strict lines, the more boxes we create and the more confusing things become.

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i'm fairly romance-repulsed, though often (when it's not happening to me) i just find it vaguely irritating and supremely dull.  i do get squishes.  when it's just platonic attraction, like my current one, i don't want a qpr, just a friendship.  we haven't met irl; i don't even know what she looks like.  it's just, we have stuff in common and she seems really cool and sweet.  she makes me happy even when she's not talking directly to me.  in the case of what i call an 'aro crush'--platonic + sexual attraction (so it would be a guy), i probably would.  i think the only thing holding me back would be the very pressing possibility that he would be romantically attracted to me, which would make me uncomfortable and the relationship wouldn't be ideal for either of us.  i speak from experience.  as for the best friend thing, i do have one.  how i feel about her is different from anyone else.  we've been friends for 13 years and i love her so deeply and wholly that it overwhelms me sometimes, in the most comfortable way.  regardless of her romanticism and our respective situations at any point in life, i trust her to always be there for me and I can't imagine losing her in any sense.  i could go on.  but i'll just say, i can't imagine any romantic love equaling ours, but then, i can't imagine any romantic love.  i forget where this was going. 

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On 11/25/2017 at 9:48 AM, aro_elise said:

i speak from experience.  as for the best friend thing, i do have one.  how i feel about her is different from anyone else.  we've been friends for 13 years and i love her so deeply and wholly that it overwhelms me sometimes, in the most comfortable way.  regardless of her romanticism and our respective situations at any point in life, i trust her to always be there for me and I can't imagine losing her in any sense.

aaawww that's beautiful. 9_9

On 11/25/2017 at 9:48 AM, aro_elise said:

but i'll just say, i can't imagine any romantic love equaling ours, but then, i can't imagine any romantic love.  i forget where this was going. 

Strength-wise, I guess, romantic love would still top it, but as you know romo has this special quality to it, which we have discussed here in all detail. xD

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On ‎31‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 6:11 PM, cute kitty Meow! Mewo! said:

BUT ANYWAY as the question is - what is a squish? what is a QPP? because too often, oh too often, when I see people talking about these - it sure sounds a lot like repressed romanticism. And I really would prefer it if I had concise, quick words to discuss the topic without ranting about it xD

 

 

I used to totally agree with the "repressed romance" part but due to my own experiences I've changed my opinion. I am romance and sex repulsed and I had never really considered a QPR when I found out about them cause I was like "to each there own, I just don't get it". It's only now that last year I developed a strong desire for a closer friendship and more physical contact with one of my friends that I was like "oh, maybe I should try that QPR thing". For me at least, it was kind of an accident and only resulted as becoming a thing due to the sensual attraction that was involved as society says that it has no place in friendships and this freaked me out.

In response to your point about people placing their QPR's above other friends, this may be true for others but it's not really true for me. All of my friends hold similar amount of importance to me and where I would be glad holding my QPP for an extended amount of time, I would be happy to (and have) spent literal hours speaking with another friend about my darkest mental health secrets.

I can say that the little talk I've seen online about QPR's does alienate me as someone who is quite romance repulsed and I can see how it can look a lot like covert romance. As someone who has been comforted a lot by relationship anarchy, I can say that I see QPR's more as what my research has lead me to believe that they were first about, q*eering intimacy and this proved to be a useful loose frame work for me and my friend to use when starting our QPR.

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