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Leading people on


Michelle
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Hi!

So I keep winding up to do the same thing: nice guy talks to me, I like talking to this guy, somehow the guy figures I'm flirting with him and he asks me on a date. It's somewhere around them asking me on a date that I notice they must've thought I wanted something romantic with them, so I agree. 

 

Guy 1: dated him for 1-2 weeks, broke it off because it stressed me out.

Guy 2: dating him stressed me out, even though I love him immensely as a friend.

Guy 3: freaks me out so I ended it a few weeks after the first date.

 

Now I'm talking with guy 4 and this seems to be happening again. It's all fun and games until romantic **** kicks in and literally makes me so stressed I end up feeling sick. At this point, I realise that I'm aromantic, but I didn't really when I started talking with guy 4 and now I don't know what to say to him. I like him, don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy. Just the thought of being in a relationship with him -with anyone- makes me feel ill... and I don't know how to explain this to him.

 

And I feel so guilty for having let these guys on, even though to an extent I didn't even know I was doing it.

 

Hope someone has any advice

 

Thanks! :arolove:

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If he comes out and says it, honesty is the best policy. You could probably tell him what you told us. If you think you might have trouble doing that, it's a whole other bag of cats. If you're romance-repulsed, tell him the moment it becomes relevant.

 

As for the guilt, I know that feel. I did the same thing for a full year in middle school, and a few more times in high school. The worst part was that everyone tried to take it slow, so they got lead on for months. I wish I had known then what I know now.

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On 02/10/2017 at 4:43 AM, Michelle said:

So I keep winding up to do the same thing: nice guy talks to me, I like talking to this guy, somehow the guy figures I'm flirting with him and he asks me on a date. It's somewhere around them asking me on a date that I notice they must've thought I wanted something romantic with them, so I agree. 

let me rewrite this quote from my experience:

nice guy talks to me, I like talking to this guy, somehow the guy figures I'm flirting with him and he asks me on a date without mentioning the word 'date'.  I think they are pretty cool, so I agree. 

 

at least you realise those things are dates. I guess with number 4 that you are dealing with at the moment, stress that you don't want anything romantic, if you get asked out answer with 'as friends?' 

Be clear about what you don't want, a relationship, as the assumptions made on his side will probably be all wrong for you. If he gets all pushy about dating he might not be that nice of a person and you are probably better off not being friends. If you do become friends maybe share some of your feelings if you haven't before, just so that you extinguish any torches and crush any daydreams of a wedding. 

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On 10/1/2017 at 1:56 PM, James said:

If he comes out and says it, honesty is the best policy. You could probably tell him what you told us. If you think you might have trouble doing that, it's a whole other bag of cats. If you're romance-repulsed, tell him the moment it becomes relevant.

 

As for the guilt, I know that feel. I did the same thing for a full year in middle school, and a few more times in high school. The worst part was that everyone tried to take it slow, so they got lead on for months. I wish I had known then what I know now.

A whole new bag of cats... That's great! Haven't heard of that one yet.

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On 10/1/2017 at 1:13 PM, Michelle said:

Hi!

So I keep winding up to do the same thing: nice guy talks to me, I like talking to this guy, somehow the guy figures I'm flirting with him and he asks me on a date. It's somewhere around them asking me on a date that I notice they must've thought I wanted something romantic with them, so I agree. 

 

Guy 1: dated him for 1-2 weeks, broke it off because it stressed me out.

Guy 2: dating him stressed me out, even though I love him immensely as a friend.

Guy 3: freaks me out so I ended it a few weeks after the first date.

 

Now I'm talking with guy 4 and this seems to be happening again. It's all fun and games until romantic **** kicks in and literally makes me so stressed I end up feeling sick. At this point, I realise that I'm aromantic, but I didn't really when I started talking with guy 4 and now I don't know what to say to him. I like him, don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy. Just the thought of being in a relationship with him -with anyone- makes me feel ill... and I don't know how to explain this to him.

 

And I feel so guilty for having let these guys on, even though to an extent I didn't even know I was doing it.

 

Hope someone has any advice

 

Thanks! :arolove:

 

Some questions to ask yourself.

 

1. Are you physically (aesthetically) attracted to them?

     It's a separate orientation besides romantic and sexual.

 

2. Are you afraid to hurt their feelings?

 

3. Are you afraid to deal with the uncomfortable awkwardness of turning them down?

 

4. Are you afraid of telling them that you're aromantic and don't have romantic feelings?

 

5. Are you confusing their actions with romanticism vs. sexual in nature?

 

6. Are you confusing having a close platonic relationship with someone with being romantic?

 

Some aromantics like a lot of friends or acquaintances but never really get serious with one friend, that has that deep platonic connection. That deep platonic connection is called a squish, it's like a romantic crush but it applies to friendship only. I'm an aromantic that likes to have a lot of friends but also enjoy spending quality time with good friends.

 

I've always been upfront as to who and what I am. I identify as the following:

 

1. Aromantic man

2. Hetero-demisexual

3. Ultra wide hetero-aesthetic attraction; this means I don't have a type when it comes to women, in terms of what I consider beautiful.

 

What throws women off about me is that I'm physically attracted to them and they automatically (erroneously) believe I'm into them sexually, want to have a romantic encounter and/or relationship with them. By default, they believe that if I'm talking with them, I'm flirting with them, which is dead wrong. Most of the problems these women have trouble with is failure to recognize their own confirmation bias and fix it, they'd rather take a hit to their ego rather than learn from the experience in a positive way.

 

The more you can articulate what you are as a person, the better you can explain to other people who you are and what to expect from you. There's nothing wrong with telling them what is, it saves you and them unnecessary pain in the long run and that's what it looks like you're trying to do in the first place.

 

Aromanticism is an orientation but how you deal with situations in regards to your orientation hasn't anything to do with it. That is where psychology comes in. I've identified three unique attitudes towards romantic advances by other people onto the aromantic person.

 

1. Romantic repulsion (physically get ill, sick to your stomach; vomit).

2. Romantic adversion (feel really uneasy about what people are doing to you in a romantic way, you want out fast).

3. Romantic indifference (you feel absolutely nothing but you don't return the other person's advances).

 

These conditions actually have something to do with psychological attachments but I won't get into it here, as it's not needed.

 

You seem to have #1 and I'm not fault finding, that's just what you are.

 

I happen to be #2, RA.

 

Perhaps these questions and this explanation will help you and others in your situation.

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I think explaining everything, even if they might not understand it all is the best plan. Least people get hurt.

The times someone comes onto me I flirt back, but then jokingly say 'no feelings though man, i don't subscribe to that icky stuff' and we can have a joke about it, without me assuming that they want more. Like saying 'No Romo' but in a way Allos will understand. If I want sex/close friendship with them I'll explain more thoroughly so they know where I stand before anything happens because letting people down sucks

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As someone who's Lithromantic, a lot of the stuff happening with you and your relationships is really familiar to me. The whole process of making a friend, enjoying talking to them (in my case, growing a crush on them as well), and then a more serious relationship occuring. The whole relationship dance occurs, and it normally doesn't end very well. I really feel for you. The best thing you can do is turn down a romantic relationship with them in the first place. That way, things don't need to be as awkward as they could be. Hope this helped!

-Fish

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I feel similar, except I know I have a 'problem' with dating that I can't quite put my finger on, and I make the classic mistake of thinking "it will be different this time!"

Then I end up wondering why I bothered; I forget about how anxious it makes me, how weird everything feels and there's never any relief from that. 

I wouldn't say you're leading them on, though. You liked them as people, but the reality of being with them and dealing with their expectations doesn't sit well with you, and you don't want to hurt them - that's totally understandable. I still feel guilty for hurting my ex last May when I had to break up with him. I'm a grey romantic rather than aro, so the initial attraction was mutual, but once I got with him my feelings more or less disappeared. There were brief resurgences of them here and there, but nowhere near enough to sustain my relationship with him. 

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3 hours ago, Untamed Heart said:

I feel similar, except I know I have a 'problem' with dating that I can't quite put my finger on, and I make the classic mistake of thinking "it will be different this time!"

Then I end up wondering why I bothered; I forget about how anxious it makes me, how weird everything feels and there's never any relief from that. 

I wouldn't say you're leading them on, though. You liked them as people, but the reality of being with them and dealing with their expectations doesn't sit well with you, and you don't want to hurt them - that's totally understandable. I still feel guilty for hurting my ex last May when I had to break up with him. I'm a grey romantic rather than aro, so the initial attraction was mutual, but once I got with him my feelings more or less disappeared. There were brief resurgences of them here and there, but nowhere near enough to sustain my relationship with him. 

 

It might be different next time if you "date" or befriend another aro, also if they line up with your sexual orientation exactly. That's the best possible outcome you could wish for other than a compatible personality and someone you find attractive. How you define the attractive qualities is purely up to you, Untamed. 

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