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Confused and Questioning


Coby Asola
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I've only ever identified as being ace aro, however I've lately started wanting a girlfriend. Not for anyone in particular, just that I want one. I know that there can be romance positive aros who want relationships, but can you still identify as aromantic and want to date a specific gender? I've still never had a crush before and don't feel like I will. :maybepapo:

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The other thing to consider is if you want a romantic relationship with a girlfriend or a queerplatonic relationship with someone or perhaps something in between. Especially for those of us who are more physically inclined, whether that is because we're allosexual or because we just crave touch, it isn't too uncommon to have preferences about our partners. 

 

23 minutes ago, hippiecat said:

Don't let your orientation label get in the way if you want to do something :)

 

This! But don't forget to talk to your prospective partner about what you want to do. It's important for any relationship to communicate. 

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8 hours ago, Coby Asola said:

I've only ever identified as being ace aro, however I've lately started wanting a girlfriend. Not for anyone in particular, just that I want one. I know that there can be romance positive aros who want relationships, but can you still identify as aromantic and want to date a specific gender?


There is the term cupioromantic, which could be what you are describing.
Though "romance positive" can also mean being OK with being in a romantic relationship.

There's also the possibility that you could be interested in some form of QP relationship.
I guess the important factors would be what do you want from such a relationship and what do you consider "dating" to be.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

If you really can't tell where you are on the spectrum, you can just say arospec. If you're not sure you belong there, you can say you're questioning. Your brain chemistry may have changed. Maybe it only changed temporarily due to some neurochemical signal factor. Maybe it didn't change at all. Epigenetics complicate everything, and language is just an approximation to communicate reality.

 

If you occasionally revert to being romantic, I think the popular term is "aroflux." The term implies that you do eventually return to aromanticism, but who's to say you can't undergo a permanent change? Brains have done much stranger things than that. 

 

Regardless of what you end up calling yourself, I recommend you warn potential partners that you used to not be into this sort of thing. If you think it's possible you may wake up one day without that romantic urge, I suggest you warn the interested party ahead of time. There are a 100 billion neurons in your brain. That's plenty of room for complicated chemistry to make your life and relationships complicated too.

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On 08/08/2017 at 0:08 AM, Coby Asola said:

I know that there can be romance positive aros who want relationships, but can you still identify as aromantic and want to date a specific gender? I've still never had a crush before and don't feel like I will. 

I absolutely think this is fine, wanting to be with someone doesn't equate to attraction :) I'm a fairly romo-positive/neutral Aro. As for specific gender, do you have more female friends? I find myself more drawn to certain groups of people simply because we tend to gel better, so wanting to pick a partner out of that group makes perfect sense.

Girls smell good and are soft, so If you're going to be with a person there's plenty reasons why you might want to chose a girl; it doesn't necessarily mean you're romantically attracted to them.

 

On 08/08/2017 at 11:00 AM, Mark said:

There's also the possibility that you could be interested in some form of QP relationship.
I guess the important factors would be what do you want from such a relationship and what do you consider "dating" to be.

^ This too. Honestly I find myself wanting a QPR, but willing to accept romance too if it's worth it for that person. Maybe you might look for something along these lines? If you talk to a potential partner about what you're looking for in a relationship, and what your bounderies are, they should be able to decide whether that is what they will be happy with or not.

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2 hours ago, SamwiseLovesLife said:

^ This too. Honestly I find myself wanting a QPR, but willing to accept romance too if it's worth it for that person. Maybe you might look for something along these lines? If you talk to a potential partner about what you're looking for in a relationship, and what your bounderies are, they should be able to decide whether that is what they will be happy with or not.

I mostly agree with this sentiment, but a note of personal caution from someone who has been in this position before - communication is really important. I never really minded receiving romance (it mostly just washed past me unnoticed anyway) but my lack of romantic motivation and action towards my partner often grated on them. Make sure they'll be ok with this or else be prepared to do a lot of learning and acting.

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21 hours ago, Momo said:

communication is really important. I never really minded receiving romance (it mostly just washed past me unnoticed anyway) but my lack of romantic motivation and action towards my partner often grated on them

Very true! It's hard when you don't quite understand the whole romance issue, so you miss the ques and as Momo said, they feel they're not getting enough of what they need. It needs to be made clear I think that to you romance doesn't equall feelings, so you lacking romantic action towards them isn't a signal of how you feel.don't feel about them. It's a pain but romo people like their romance *sigh*

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