CatNap

Understandable.

How are you?

Hi.

491

Alright here are the things I do know: - I like sexual contact, at least through online role-play, and in fantasies, but in real life, I'm not too sure, I mean I think it depends, like for example touching private areas: I would never touch anyone there, and I do not want anyone to touch me there, but that's probably just preference - I do fantasize about doing "it" sometimes, but not often, and when I do, I feel guilty and gross - I've had "Oh, I want to do that" type of thoughts, but not with any specific person in general, as if it's not directed towards anyone - I don't want to do that to like someone found sexually attractive, nor would i do that with someone close - I don't find anyone hot/sexy/sexually attractive - I want sexual relationships, but unsure if I feel that way - I do have a libido (Ace people can have this, I think-) - When I masturbate, it's like my desire has been fulfilled, and I become sex repulsed, and not desiring sex at all - I can relate to Asexual videos/tiktoks - The label gives me a sense of community (alongside aro) - I want the flag to be my flag (though idk if this counts, probably not, but *shrugs*) - I'd be alright with being ace - Sex is not everything to me, just something I could do for pleasure or reproductive reasons, (though even doing it for reproductive is not something I'd do that for), or because someone would want it - I've thought I was allo a few days ago, but now I'm not too sure - Right now I feel like I might be in between allo and ace That's all I know on this topic, so far. Unimportant, but my therapist has an ace flag in her office, she let me wave it, and I really want that flag, cause it's very pretty.

I have a little orange worm. Their name is Alex. They are laying down on my bed right now. :) I want more worms.

It's a book by Jo Knowles. It's about a girl who has a summer job taking care of animals, and there is a queer story-line. Somehow it always makes me reflect on myself. Like, when I read it, I feel disconnected from the romantic aspects, but can relate to the sensual aspects. It's my go to book when I have an identity crisis for some reason. I tend to re-read the queer parts, as I reflect on myself, and this time it had me wondering up something good. Like there was a part where someone is talking about fluidity with orientation. I know the answer to one of the questions, but I'll ask anyway: Do you believe in fluidity? Is it possible for one's orientation to remain static throughout life, since that seems to be the case with some people? Does fluidity depend on the individual, like some people like a certain gender or genders, or none all throughout their lives, while others go from liking one gender or more than one, to like more than one or another gender, or perhaps liking no genders at all? Is it normal to do this exact thing that I do with this book, that's kind of weird in my opinion? These are the questions I've asked myself, and I thought I'd ask you. The book seemed to cause me to have my doubts, and of course people have their doubts, but I spent time thinking/reflecting. I also quite respect how the main character, and her *clears throat* crush aren't label people, and choose to just feel the way they feel, and don't label themselves. I want to be like that. I want to feel the way I feel without a label to get in my way. From my own experience, trying to put a label on myself caused more harm than good, and when I did go without a label, even though I thought a lot about it, I felt more free, yet bothered, since for some god forsaken reason I became obsessed with labeling myself. I would very much like to not be bothered by it. As a character had said (and bear with me here, I'm trying to quote them from memory): "What's the point in labels, if they change anyway?" Anyway, thanks for reading this useless mumbo jumbo.

No. Relationships are something I don't want, and something I want to get out of just as soon as I enter them. Marriage... Well, that's something I can't quite imagine. That's something I don't quite want, despite my family wanting me to. There are many reasons, however. Another reason: Seriously? No. Ick.

Drunk

I'm fine. 👍

Bar

Oh, I have an update ig. This person I may have feelings for is a famous person, as I've said in the comment above, and he doesn't know me, and we don't live near each other, so if I wanted to experiment to see what attraction I feel, I couldn't. And besides, he's not into boys/non-binary people. He's straight. So, how would I be able to figure out the way I feel for him? Idk. I fantasized last night, and it helped me determine I only want physical affection from him, and to give it back to him. Like cuddles/snuggles, nuzzles, and being held by him and holding him, but certainly not kissing him in any way. And plus I got the urge to want to protect him, a little bit. But most of the time I forget what he looks like, so it makes fantasizing harder, and my fantasies make it sound so much better than it'd probably be in real life. I've cuddled in real life, and it's just awkward and a little uncomfortable. The fantasy was not romantic. I didn't think of it in a romantic context at all. It was just a calming one, because I do want to be held by someone, to feel that closeness. I feel like the attraction to him is undefinable, or at least not one I can recognize, but definitely not romantic.

It hurts... Ow.. It hurts bad ever since I had to use the restroom, and the pain is still there... Ow!! It hurts like it would on my time of the month, but it isn't my *wince* time of the month. Ow! OW OW OW OW OW!! *Wince* I want it to stop... OW. :( *Crying* This hurts pretty bad! *Trying to think of a logical explanation that will make me calm down*

Ooooooooo!

Someone famous. I'm not sure if it's a crush.. To be honest, I want to say "no it isn't" but with my amount of uncertainty, I have to admit that I'm not sure if it's a crush or not.

Hi.

I really wanna listen to music so badly, but I don't have headphones, and I'm going nuts. :(

Yes. You are not alone. I'm really obsessed with labeling my experiences, and it also takes up my mind as well. Though, I'm not really sure I have OCD.

Oh-

What are some common signs of being demiboy, and what are some common signs of being genderfaun/gendermars?

What's a crush like? How can you tell if it's a crush?

All I know is that I hate this to no end. :(

The more I read this, the more convinced I am that I'm aro?-

By the way, I don't blush as badly when he is mentioned, anymore, which makes me feel better. I looked it up, it could be due to aesthetic attraction. Maybe also something else-

Is this a crush? I blush at every single mention and reminder of this one guy and I hate it. I don't really even imagine anything serious between us, let alone a relationship, or *cringes* marriage. And i certainly 100% don't feel a thing for him. I can and have imagined him holding me, and me cuddling him, and giving affection, and *Hides face again* french kissing, but the french kissing part is an extremely repulsive idea. I wonder if maybe my grandma teasing me about my redness in the face cause of this guy is finally getting to me, or this is actually my very first crush. I don't want it to be my first crush though. :( I prefer being fully 100% aro cause romance is repulsive, and I felt nothing in my relationships, except the feeling that it's just a chore, and is pointless, and the need to end them, and a whole bunch of other reasons. I mean c'mon, I couldn't take a relationship with someone way older than me, and that same person not knowing I exist because he's on tv, and we never met, with him seriously. Haha. It's an extremely ridiculous idea. *Rolls eyes* So why do I blush at every single mention of him? is he so aesthetically attractive to me that my face goes red? I mean, he is, at least in my opinion. Maybe there's a more scientific reason why one would blush like crazy, that isn't romantic at ALL. Below is him: