So, there's this incredibly long story, but I'll try to make it shorter.
Here's the thing: As a child, I would ignore my gender, and I would do things considered masculine. Like for example: playing with toy motorcycles, and toy cars, (even though I played with girls stuff too, I just enjoyed playing with whatever really), getting dirty and not even caring, and a bit of lighthearted roughhousing, and such. I made friends easier with boys, and enjoyed the boys company more than girls, (that could probably have to do with the fact the girls were mean to me though). Though I insisted I was a girl, I felt like I fit in with boys, and ignored my gender when having fun and stuff.
Then when I was in the 7th grade I wanted to be a boy. So my friend told me to go for it, so I did of course, and it was great. Then I questioned it again when I heard the term Non-binary, and then Genderfluid, etc. I used up a lot of labels, and doubted myself every time. During that time, when I did ID as a boy, I felt strongly that I was one, at least fully a boy, but when the doubt came, I got really upset, because I wanted to be a boy very very badly. Then I looked in a book about boys, and saw a (bear with me here, I'm gonna try to explain it) graphic image, that had made me repulsed by the idea of ever getting surgery for that. So I was like "ok I must definitely be Non-binary, right?" And so, I ID'd as that for a time. Another part during this complicated time was when I was still a boy, and got confused because it suddenly felt as if I were forcing myself to be that way. It upset me. Anyway, skipping because it's a mess. So, it felt like I was switching between gender neutral, and male. I grew sick of it, and it didn't feel like a fit.
I somehow catch myself using He/him pronouns on myself, and using male nouns, and referring to myself as male, since the only way I can word it is it feels right to me. It feels better than female nouns and pronouns, and gender neutral nouns and pronouns.
As for something else that may help: I really want a flat chest, and androgynous voice, and hrt, and as for one specific, yet personal thing, I'm not sure, I'm considering the surgery I was oh so repulsed by earlier (I was informed that it could've been because i was unfamiliar with it).
What do you think? I know you can't tell me who I am, but I prefer perspective or however you'd word it.
I forgot the sexuality part *Shrugs*
