Untamed Heart

Here's something interesting, many people don't really hit on, where as it's aesthetics, it's a mental and emotional process. I have an ultra-wide hetero aesthetic attraction (another orientation). Whereas I'm

highly attracted to women and love to talk to them, when in reality they think I'm hitting on them for some action and romance.

It took me a long time to realize this is what was going on with me. I enjoy the eye candy so to speak and being really friendly (some people think it's flirting but it's not). I thought I was having many crushes going on simultaneously but I figured out that wasn't it. It was the thought of being with them that is what appealed to me, not necessarily falling in love and having sex. I'm a very visual and tactile type of person. 

It's a possibility that what you think is romance really isn't, it could be aesthetic attraction. It wasn't until I separated the difference between physical attraction and how I was interacting with people did I realize I wasn't allosexual. I figured out I was demisexual, then it dawned on me. I love being with women but I don't have any  attraction to them  in regards to romance, I then figured out I was aro after that.

Finding a good understanding partner for any type of relationship is hard enough to find but to accept you when the dust settles and everything has been laid out on the table is true love.

Now, I'm not finding fault here, that's not my intention. Just trying to figure out if you can further articulate who and what you are, I believe if you do so, you can then find a partner that is the same way you are. Being in a stable relationship, however you define it, is good for the both of you.

Another thing to look into psychological attachments, as I've said to other members. It's not a bad thing if they go one way or another, it's just what you are and how you understand relationships in general. If you know your attachments, you can work on normalizing them if they're way out of whack. Once those

are handled, if this is the problem, things happen naturally. 

Often times people that supposedly fall in love with someone are falling in love with the idea of someone, the idealized state that

doesn't exist in reality. When you notice the discrepancy in the

real world, people tend to lose interest in a hurry. It's like the idea of

people hanging on a celebrity's every word, you think you love them, then they let you into their inner circle and realize what you thought you knew was just an illusion, you want out now. 

That's really insightful, thanks! The whole aesthetic attraction was definitely what was happening with me when I realised I liked my ex. I didn't realise that's all it really was until I came here. I can relate to liking the idea of being with someone more than the reality, as well.

I feel, at least right now, I'm kind of too independent to want to deliberately seek anyone out. Even when I was a child, I didn't really make huge efforts to develop friendships with most of the other kids in school. I guess I'd be anxious avoidant, or around that ballpark.

That's exactly what aesthetic attraction does, you're really into their being or rather the unrealistic image you have in your mind that they are, when you see they don't match you give up.

Actually, this whole thing about aesthetic attraction isn't being shallow or fake, it's just not realizing and learning that the image you build someone up to be doesn't match reality. Lots of people who get into relationships who have this trouble don't realize the aesthetic attraction orientation isn't articulated yet and understand what makes you tick, what turns your crank, gets you excited and why it does that. 

It works like this, your physically attracted to them but not necessarily their personality. When things settle down in the relationship and everything gets real, the real personality emerges, many people bolt when they run into this. Some people get anxious, scared or offended when people don't measure up to the great expectations. 

Hey, I had to temper mine some twenty years ago. Sure, I have a yearning to be with women, just because I'm aro doesn't mean I don't want to be alone.