Untamed Heart

Feeling like a ridiculous mess right now, as I was thinking about my ex and got hit out of nowhere by an absolute sledgehammer of emotion.

The ex I didn't get attached to and couldn't even be proper friends with after I let him go, because it felt so forced for me and I knew it wasn't fair on either of us to keep going, in either the relationship or friendship afterwards.

I was beyond ready to leave, almost numb, when I ended things, but later on felt like I could have, maybe should have done more, because I felt bad for hurting him like I did. I wanted to take my text back after I sent it, saying I needed to talk to him that Friday the 13th (to break up with him), but I couldn't see any other way forward. Not sending the text that day would have only been delaying the inevitable.

When I saw him at the art group in the weeks after that, I felt either indifferent towards him or like I'd made a mistake, but I didn't say anything as I knew it wouldn't do any good, and even if I'd felt like things would have been different, I didn't want to mess him around. I let him go so he could find someone who could return his love better than I could.

I had considered counselling or something, but they can't help manufacture feelings out of anxiety and vagueness, and I felt afraid of telling people how I felt because I thought they'd just say, let him go anyway, you're obviously not into him and it's not fair to 'lead him on', or even ask why I got with him if I'd felt like this might happen.

I feel like I was selfish, even though we both liked each other and I just wanted to give him a chance at the time. I'd been single through choice for the best part of 10 years, hadn't even been looking for anyone and thought it might be better this time. It was nice to start with, after a few 'blips' on my part, then just started going downhill. I was super excited for our first date, then felt like dying on the day and nothing had changed in the meantime to cause that. 

I tried so hard to hold on, and did a lot of ridiculous, ineffectual things to try and trick my brain into just letting me feel something again, hoping my feelings might come back and stick around for once. I did have a few brief moments (from a few minutes, maybe up to an hour or two) of feeling that kind of warmth and happiness I'm under the impression you're supposed to feel in a new relationship, in between the wtf-ness. It was something I hadn't really felt before with anyone else, but the rest of the time was kinda horrible but I tried to ignore it . I should have left before I did, not waited to see if my feelings somehow came 'right'. I didn't understand what was wrong and everything was freaking me out, but I really shouldn't have dragged it out like I did.

I guess I probably should see a counsellor anyway. I broke up with him 8 months ago, haven't even spoken to him since sometime after I sent him my coming out letter, though I think about him now and again and hope he'll be OK. I shouldn't feel this way.

It's OK if nobody knows how to respond to this - I don't mind. I know it looks dramatic and attention seeking, but I couldn't keep it in once I started typing and it wasn't meant to be this long either. I am hurting inside, but I will be OK in time.

You've already helped me a lot, and I'm so grateful for that you don't even know.