MulticulturalFarmer

On 12/24/2022 at 6:15 AM, nonmerci said:

I saw this on reddit. Some people in the comments had criticism and I get it, but I still think it is cool so I share this here. What's your thoughts ? Do you fit somewhere ?

Personally I don't use these terms to talk about romance, but cases E4, E5 and D5 describes well how I feel.

Aro and sex spectrum bingo? Sounds fun. I'd love to play this game someday for sure. 

Any option to do a reading club? I don't have a ton of close friends and doing that would be nice lol. 

On 12/6/2022 at 6:34 PM, 2 Spirit Cherokee Princess said:

There are many kinds of attraction, what you're feeling may not be love.

Just like the song, I'm curious. What is love?

3 hours ago, godlessape said:

Hello everyone.

Yesterday I finished re-watching How I Met Your Mother, and without revealing spoilers, there's a lot of romance and friendships in it (but more romance than anything else). In my opinion it is a really good show, but it got me thinking about my own relationships, and about just how alone I am.

For context, I am aromantic and aplatonic, both of which I've known about for a long time now. I have never been in a romantic relationship and have only ever been in a few friendships. While it is fulfilling to be alone for many reasons, I do occasionally wonder what it's like to have those relationships. I sometimes feel like I'm missing out on all that stuff, which is weird because I know I am better without it.

I get these feelings every time after I finish watching this show lol, so idk if it's just the effect it gives off or what, but either way this is how I'm left feeling. Does anyone else feel this way, and if so, how do you deal with it (especially in a society where romance and friendships are the norm)? 

Thanks for reading and take care :)

I am feeling the loneliness for sure, but partly it's because of the culture that I was raised in that doesn't promote small talk, and to make matters worse, we like to discuss taboo topics (at least for North American societies (where I live now) like politics and religion as well as topics that dont go well outside of academic circles like science, mathematics, philosophy, etc. I could care less about football teams and sports teams and gossiping casually. Also my ethnic background is complex and that makes it hard in many cases to get the relationships/friendships/etc that I want cause of prejudice. 

Also, I'm definitely attracted to (academic and emotional) intelligence, and let's just say that it's hard to find someone who is okay with an LGBTQ person, is okay with a person of a complex ethnic heritage, AND has both academic and emotional intelligence and doesn't have the personality of a tyrant when it comes to negotiating friendships and relationships. 

3 hours ago, nonmerci said:

Lately I've been reading a few articles about allo aro erasure in aro spaces (in particular, the articles linked by Storm_leopardcat). Naturally, it makes me question how the allo aro feel on arocalypse. Do you think that aroaces overshadow yout voices here ? What can we do to reassure alloaros that they are part of the community and can open thread that specifically adress their unique issues ? What are the things we should avoid, as aroaces, to prevent the erasure ? 

 

Oh god, where do I start with this? Well I dont think that being aro should automatically be associated with being ace, granted I'm a sexually fluid person, leaning towards allosexual, but also aro. 

I dont think that being allo means that you are just gonna want one night stands and FWBs, ever, or for the rest of your life. I think that's kinda a misconception that goes around. Or that we are too touchy feely or something and dont care about building the emotional connection first.

These are the first that come to mind, I'm not sure what the rest of the stereotypes are but thought I'd share.

1 hour ago, Lovebird said:

Just making a statement, didn't know how to exactly classify countries with a White ethnic majority population. 😅

Oh haha, I see now. Yeah I was thinking, yeah, the French don't like speaking English much, eh (or English speaking countries like UK and USA.. so yeah)?

I feel like this website is very very mixed. On the one hand, I have had experiences and learned from others in ways that would not have been possible. I have learned so much about what it's like to grow up in an urban ghetto (I instead grew up in a rural town) in different parts of the world as well as what it's like to live with dissociative disorder and how dealing with the stigma of that diagnosis.

However, I have also dealt with racist, anti-LGBTQ, and intersexphobic people, which is especially impactful for me as an intersex pansexual person. There are people who use intersex slurs and anti-gay and trans slurs, and say that people just get triggered too much these days. And to add insult to injury, the people who ran the website (7cups) didn't care and only sometimes would clear things up. Not to mention the process for reporting is VERY VERY cumbersome, more so than it is on other websites, such that repeatedly experiencing such things can make it hard to speak up and go through the entire process of filing a report, and even then there's no guarantee anything will happen or change. 

44 minutes ago, Lovebird said:

I see complaining about non-existent Americanisation of cultures is thing among all Anglo countries. I tip my hat to you.   

Wait France is an anglophone country now? Or I guess you are just making a statement, right?

2 minutes ago, Lovebird said:

Yeah, I see a lot of anti-Americanisation posts on the r/Australia Reddit. Which is weird and hypocritical, considering one could say the same about Christmas or Easter. Also tipping in AU isn't exactly new, it's been a thing historically, just not as common as it is compared to America - which is funny considering these are the same people who say to support small business, which yes, does include tipping your servers.  

Funny, I heard about similar anti-Americanisation sentiments in France. They are, to say the least, very proud of the French language, and bring up everything you mentioned, like tipping culture. I'm not French or anything, but I do know tipping was common there at some point, just not any time recent. Things are similar for the holidays you mentioned too.

Just handed out candy, thought about how we didn't celebrate halloween in my town for the past 150 years and started to do it in the past 20 years or so. Also we are still very formal and bow down when giving out candy, especially when people are appreciating us.

On 10/24/2022 at 12:43 PM, Twilight Firefly said:

(Kinda NSFW, but nothing specific or graphic)

I didn't think I'd ever reconcile with the greyromantic/greysexual side of me. A lot of the times I feel like I'm lying to myself or that I'm just a broken or antisocial allo—but I think I've finally come to terms with the way I am. I have libido, but people don't trigger it. It's kinda just...there in my bloodstream, and fictional characters seem to be where all my romantic and sexual energy gets funneled to.

I think going outside with a group of people helped me get back in touch with reality and helped me realize the part of myself I tend to neglect in favor of fantasy (fictional characters). And then last night I came across a Reddit reply that defined sexual attraction as desire triggered by the specific person, and that put so much into perspective, because I can see myself 'fooling around' but not because someone specifically is triggering it, rather, because there's a mutual itch that needs scratching. (Though I can't rule out that maybe someone, somewhere is attractive in that way to me haha.) Crazy to think a Reddit reply was the thing that ended up making me feel pride and harmonious with myself, but everything sorta clicked into place and I felt happy.

Just wanted to share this experience since I thought I'd never be at peace and then it finally happened :3

Oh yeah i have a friend just like that, however, I think a lot of that is due to the fact that it is verboten to have premarital sex in her religion, so her experience isn't super applicable to your experience. I on the other side am like that because I am sexually fluid in terms of sexual attraction to people, and partly because I need to rehearse how sexual encounters are going to be as an intersex person, because I am scared of things going sideways. However, I tend to trigger my libido but that is more so when writing characters (historical characters too who once lived, I might add) and what an interaction in an aromantic and in a sexual sense would look like.

30 minutes ago, Lost.Allo said:

Hello all! 
 

Thank you for taking the time to reply to this, & for all your advice! 
MulticulturalFarmer, by commitment I meant future plans, for example what he saw for the future between us, moving in together, moving to a country together (he’s from the US & is currently in Europe where I live), meeting his parents, etc. So, for me, as someone who needs this in a relationship I took his doubts & inability of deciding on these issues as commitment issues but now I understand it has nothing to do with that but simply that he is aro & this is not something he desires. I hope this clears up what I said. 
 

Again, thank you everyone! 

Well, personally, from my point of view, aro or not, if someone is not meeting your needs/standards, then you don't need to engage with them. I am sure there are aro people who would be willing to do the meeting their parents and all that stuff. I guess my point is that being aro shouldn't have much to do with it. 

On 5/2/2022 at 6:15 PM, Lost.Allo said:

Hello everyone! 
 

I am submitting this topic because I am a lil bit lost rn. So, I was dating a guy for a year, & during the relationship we were both very aware that something just wasn’t right. We had very open conversations about how he seemed to have issues with commitment, expressing love, etc. Because of this “issue” (which we now know isn’t an issue it’s just bc he’s aro) my romantic feelings for him stagnated & kind of disappeared. 
We split up nearly a month ago when he realized he’s aro. We would like to stay friends & atm we are managing to. But, I’m just a little lost bc our dynamic hasn’t really changed at all & so I’m worried that I’m just in denial. There is still a physical element to our friendship but again, I do not have romantic feelings for him. 
All this just to ask for some advice bc this is a situation I’ve never been in & I have no idea how to navigate it. I have done so much research to better understand it all so that he also feels comfortable & happy but I can’t seem to find anything on the topic of an allo & aro being friends after a relationship. If anyone could give some advice that’d be great & I’d be very grateful! 
Thank you!! 

When you say issues with commitment, do you mean wanting certain rituals to be done or that your partner wasn't spending a lot of time with you?

On 11/7/2021 at 12:55 PM, Ettina said:

Procreation doesn't require sex. I'm pregnant and I've never had sex.

Also, human overpopulation is a myth to deflect attention away from the problem of unequal resource distribution due to capitalism.

May I ask if you had donor sperm? If so, how much did it cost?

On 5/2/2022 at 5:05 AM, Mark said:

Romantic coding applies to any activity or behaviour which is assumed to only take place in a romantic context.
Examples include sex, kissing, hand holding, dating, candle lit diners, quality time, emotional support.
This creates barriers to aros being able to do (or even attempt) these things. (As well as meaning that allos can feel obliged to do them with their romantic partners.)

I am going to use that phrasing from now on. I feel a lot less isolated now seeing that the above is something reserved for romantic encounters and feeling alienated by that.

15 hours ago, nonmerci said:

I think that people are too quick to forgive and accept ça or toxic behavior because the person who did that "love them". That's not only a romantic thing, but it is more talked about there. Romantic love is supposed to be so amazing that it justifies everything. One sad example is toxic relationships...

I remember when I was discussing a ship in a tv show (Rumbelle for Once Upon a Time if you know this show) : for me their relationship was really toxic and they should have get a divorce. But someone argue about how she's been there with her husband and people should not be so quick to break up when things can still be "healed" and that the spark of love is still there... Seriously who cares if the spark of love is there when a man abused you like this !

In fact I've seen a lot of people justify people who are in the wrong because "they are in love" (things like harrassment or stalking). It was about fiction, but I'm sure that people who justify it in fiction are willing to justify it in real life as well. And that's say a lot about the messed up view that amatonormativity gives them...

I think worldwide, we need to admit that romance is a quirky and abnormal feature of being human, despite how "normal" and inherent it seems to be (though perhaps to an extent it is a construct) and try to control this urge (or let it pass) and then try to engage in a relationship with someone, whether friendly, romantic, etc. 

4 hours ago, alto said:

You're right.  Especially how people go "oh and so-and-so is the love of my life" and then promptly start hating them as soon as they break up.  Like, where did that love go?  Was it even real to begin with?

I am not sure either. I have heard of psychologists saying that that behavior isn't normal even for alloromantic people, but the romance movies sure have shown a bad example of what a good/healthy relationship looks like.

11 hours ago, jjaee_jaee said:

i hate it!! and when people seperate you from the rest of lgbtqia+! argh!!

Yeah LGBTQIA+ acronym is just for sexual and gender identities apparently :( Sigh...

37 minutes ago, alto said:

I don't get that either.  I mean, all relationships end eventually.  So by that standard everyone is a failure.

I guess continuing on the topic of this thread, I think that there's good and bad aspects of all relationships, and I think that seeing it in a black and white way isn't healthy at all.

10 hours ago, Mark said:

This is what "romantic coding" looks like.

I've never heard the term "romantic coding". What is that?

I'm genderfluid, and I guess you could say that my intersex identity is kind of related to that as well, I use the genderfluid identity to explain my comfort with my body I guess. Before I fully embraced being aro, I did have the whole "no one is going to want to invest in me and treat me well because i'm not cis" and then I was like, well, just because someone doesn't want to date me doesn't mean they can't treat me with respect? What kind of messed up thinking is this?

And it's true that many people (in my experience) don't want to, well have a family, whether via biological means or through adoption, with an intersex person, I have found people in kind of non-traditional ways who I could do stuff like that, at least outside of the "I'm romantically attracted to someone, lets have a family" model. I get along well with gay folks and just elderly ladies in the village I grew up in, and I realized that I did have quite a bit of "love" and "affection" in my life, it's just different. I just only have a few people close to me at the moment and it sucks that i'm not amatonormative, sadly. I really despise having to live with the two tiered system of treating people you are romantically into better than those that you aren't, or just treating people you are aesthetically attracted to better as well. 

2 hours ago, jjaee_jaee said:

yeah sure, sorry i didnt clarify beforehand. i'm open about being aro, and lgbtqia+ and people around me know this and assume that being aro = being stone cold and romance repulsed, which is the opposite for me, and because of this a lot of people assume im faking my identity or am just confused. i'f however, i wasnt openly aro i could do whatever i do and not be judged as much. i've found some allo people to be almost aggressive in 'protecting' their allo-ness when i say i'm aro, and they question me and my labels, and being touchy with my friends and doing traditionally romantic things would only add to this. 

if i said i was in a romantic relationship to an allo then that would give them something to relate to, and therefore i'm less likely to be judged by allos for simply acting in a way that makes me feel comfortable and happy. hope that covers things! 

Thanks for clarifying what that means.

Oh yeah, I bet there's a sense of like, "being aro isn't a real thing", right? God, if I received money for that every time I heard that dumb saying. Ugh.

On 4/18/2022 at 7:01 PM, Tinkere said:

What software did you use to make this? I love it. Also, what's the policy for sharing this picture on other websites? 

5 minutes ago, jjaee_jaee said:

yeah! im a very touchy person who does 'romantic things' with my friends and i get asked constantly if i'm in a relationship with them, i'm not!! i just feel comfortable with myself and with them to express myself and my feelings around them, do allo people not feel comfortable with friends, if so, why not!! 

i'd be happy to 'date' someone if they asked, as long as they knew im arospec, because to me, it's just friendship with a different label that means you wont get judged by allo folks! i treat everyone the same, and yet i'm the one being judged for being at peace with my identity, so frustrating!

Same for the "happy"  to date someone if they asked part for me too, if they truly knew what arospec was. The issue is that if I mention if they just assume "friends", "FWB", "acquaintances" and anything that to them doesn't imply closeness or a "real commitment" or someone who NEVER wants to settle down. There's also the two-tiered system, where friends can't expect a consistent amount of time spent hanging out, hanging out at certain places, and all that but that's reserved for dates and romantic partners.

Also, alloromantic people act kinda weird when they get into romantic relationships. Not only do some people become less expressive with their emotions than when they were friends (or just with their friends period), but there's a lot of "playing hard to get", and oh my, don't even get me started on how some people see their partner as a possession or someone to be controlled. Not that friends can't do that but it seemed more intensified in these "romantic relationships." And somehow people are okay with it because of their infatuation (not that anyone deserves toxic or abusive behaviors, I'm just talking about how some people rationalize it away, and yes, one's upbringing also has a huge role in what one considers to be "appropriate behaviors so I don't find it appropriate to blame the victim.) and will say as much if you ask them directly. I wonder what the usefulness of such romantic relationships are if one has to abide by so many "rules"? 

Could you explain more what you mean by "being judged by allo folks?"

2 hours ago, Tinkere said:

So this dude that I’m friends with that 100% has a crush on me asked me today if I wanted to go watch this movie with him and this other guy we’re friends with next week, normally, I’m not much of a social person at all, so it typically takes me like a whole year or so before I actually get comfy asking someone to hang out outside of said organization where we met. (not sure if other people normally feel the same). The other dude that he invited has tried to wingman several times, so I’m just feeling like this is basically a date except with a third wheel so it isn’t awkward?? My aro ass genuinely cannot tell if this is a date or just a hangout, please help- I’ve never gone out with anyone before and I have zero experience on what to even know what counts as a date

Do you feel safe or comfortable asking directly if it's a date? Would you feel better with having the "third wheel" friend there?