MulticulturalFarmer

8 hours ago, jjaee_jaee said:

i think the same thing! i'm quoiromantic so i dont understand the difference between platonic and romantic attraction, and it always confuses me when people always prioritize romantic relationships over platonic! why can't they treat everyone the same way? and being in a romantic relationship seems to limit what relationships you have with others such as friends, and doing supposedly 'romantic' actions with them can be seen as cheating! it makes no sense!

i hope you can find peace with yourself soon, just as i did not too long ago!  good luck! (^^)

Exactly. I don't get why some people think that being open and honest about general feelings, about one's schedule, and things like that are "romantic partner privileges". Like that should be a form of basic human decency, not a, oh, you're attractive to me in a romantic way, let me give you the bare minimum now!

This bizarre hierarchy stuff made me realize I want no part of dating after all. I tried "dating" because I wanted a QPR, but I'm happier without the BS standards of having certain privileges for certain people.

Hm, for me, I like intellectual flirting with jokes, humor, and all the rest. I am not super into "traditional" flirting, and I don't like the possibility of it being read in a "romantic, dating" type of way.

Dang. I wanted to add something but then I realized you were talking about games and not books. OH well :) I'm sure there's a thread about books in here somewhere, if I look hard enough.

On 4/25/2022 at 1:47 PM, roboticanary said:

its not easy, lets be honest

there are a limited amount of aro people around.

if you are in a big city there may be local groups around. often combined ace and aro groups but if you are ok with that they might go places so you can meet people.

I occasionally hear about people trying to make a sort of 'aro dating app' thing to help people look for qprs or close friendships but I have no idea if any of them are any good.

the socials and similar online meetups are a good way to talk to people if keeping in touch by text is not your thing. however meeting people once a month is not on its own going to get you a close friendship, you would need to try to make contact with the people in the socials outside of that.

Well, I gave this topic some thought today. And I think that ace groups haven't worked for me much due to prejudice towards the other identities I've got, there aren't any aro groups in the nearest major area, BUT, I've had some luck at gay meetups despite me being intersex, pansexual, and fluid (and androgynous) in gender presentation, because even though some of my friends are in relationships, they are open to the whole QPR thing, or at the very least SUPER close friends. I think in that particular city, most gay meetups are more of the let's go clubbing thing, so I didn't think of it right away, but then I remembered the non-clubbing groups and that I good experience with those, but those are less of a thing, and not always apparent/visible. And these groups are predominantly for gay people but there's also other people in the LGBTQ+ alphabet who go there.

After giving this thought some post and reading some (lucky) articles,  I got reminded of those other groups and then thought I could give it a  shot when i go to that city again, which won't be any time soon because of how far my place is from there and rather inefficient public transportation.

Yeah, keeping up with folks in socials, but also calls helped keep me in the loop. Calls are especially memorable since everyone seems to be texting these days, well, for the most part.

I am repulsed and perhaps a teensy bit triggered by all the posessiveness, professions of love that can happen (the old I can't imagine living without you, and then it gets into trigger warning territory after that). But not all romantic relationships are like that, I just hate the idealization and the fact that people can get visas to marry someone they've got 'intense feelings' for but a platonic person can't seem to do that unless they try to fit into that old marriage and romance framework. 

Yeah, kind of echoing off of everyone else here, I think it was kinda taboo back then with Christianity and all the other major world religions really back then, to just openly say "yeah I got sexual desire", and people didn't want to be excommunicated or sent to jail so they kind of went with what society and the Church said about needing romantic relationships/gestures to get into sexual activities (I guess I could put it that way)?

Hey there everyone. I'm a veteran of this site, and I'm just not sure how in the world people find their QPRs or close aromantic friends. I am kinda meh with  making friends online, and in person too. Admittedly I'm super boring and have pretty obscure interests as well, possibly due to my mental and physical health issues, but people do like hanging out with me when we are in person. It's just that communicating via text doesn't happen much. So I kinda do have friends but I'm not super close to anyone.

Idk if there's any websites that specialize in aromantic QPRs or even aromantic friends (does this website count?) I'm wondering if the Google Meet socials are good way to make friends though admittedly I'm more of a chat person until I get to know someone well.

On 4/23/2022 at 12:01 PM, lexthemouse said:

I don't mind cuddling with family that much but outside of that and very close friends I'm usually not a big fan of physical touch in general if I'm not initiating it.

Same. I'm also immensely bad at reading physical cues and wouldn't be very good at identifying if someone wanted to hug me unless I said it directly. Sounds cheezy but it works the best for me.

I personally would find it troubling because it would imply hierarchies, though of course I may end up prioritizing time with one person over another, so who knows?

But like others have said, it really depends on the people involved and their personal preferences about labels.

58 minutes ago, DogObsessedLianne said:

People have joined without video before, and I doubt Google will suddenly change it, so it should be ok.

Just to confirm, this will be 12noon GMT, not 1PM

I'd like to join but I realized that this is kinda early/late (depending on how long I stay up) for me, but later in the day would have been better for me. Maybe next time, right?

11 hours ago, roboticanary said:

From my experience in the UK it is not that they are communist but rather the belief that you can pin someones entire economic and political affiliations just from that one view on a small issue. i.e. if someone talks about obscure sexualities they must believe these things about economics or other areas of politics. Not completely mad I guess in that there will likely be some broad correlations between views on a range of issues but that sometimes goes a bit off the rails.

Also just that the idea of a student/young academic activist type is a really convenient political punching bag means I know damn well to keep my mouth shut.

It was quite similar there, in the USA as well. There was the idea that people who believe in obscure sexuality and/or gender identities are far left types. I wonder if it's an anglosphere thing with those types of ideas. But who knows, since stuff that happens in the English speaking countries literally influences the entire world, hahahaha.

3 hours ago, roboticanary said:

For the advantages, fairly good attitude towards remaining single for longer is good. On the sex side, sex outside of marriage isn't really a problem for all but a few nutters and sex outside of romance is more tolerated than other parts of the world (although I wouldn't say accepted, especially as you get older).

Also the UK generally has quite good general access to medical products and advice if you are looking to have sex, so if you are for instance worried you may have an std you aren't likely to be paying a small fortune just to get a test.

As for the disadvantages, house sharing is a pain in the arse outside of a romantic relationship. I've linked to this blog before which gives one view on it https://barefoot-backpacker.com/observations-on-the-uk-housing-market/

Buying a place is also a pain. Where I am looking a combination of leasehold vs freehold, service charges that take the piss and a general lack of flats and apartments in cheaper areas leads to an incredibly dumb situation. It could end up being cheaper long term  to buy an entire 2 up 2 down terrace house for 1 person than to buy all but the cheapest of apartments.

Other than that, for a sizeable part of our population there is a general dislike of both any higher education or experts combined with any obscure identities seen as queer being seen as student nonsense. If I were to talk about anything even approaching aromanticism I would likely be thought of as a communist. I have no fucking clue how to explain this so I guess I should just yell POLITICS and leave it at that.

Well, the last part of your paragraph really sounds funny to me. It reminds me of the time I studied abroad in the USA and I heard some people talking about university like it was some type of communist indoctrination camp where people learn about the 1 million different types of genders. And I learnt about Fox News, the propaganda channel that disseminates such information. Though such notions about aromanticism and queer idenities being a communist thing aren't unexactly uncommon amongst the only major left wing party (if you can call it that), the Democratic party.

On 12/1/2021 at 8:55 PM, kikicita said:

Yep, thank you?

I can’t believe how people think they know us better than we do. It’s really unbelievable. And I feel that, it is more than just the body and I think people tend to be ignorant about this either because they don’t want to inform themselves about it since they say it doesn’t affect them or because they hate/dislike us. It is possible that they grew up in an ignorant environment too. But I think that it is truly important to start reading about this issue (and trying to understand the experiences) when hearing about it or when a special someone says that they are x label.

I hope that more people get to learn to see others in a neutral way, without assuming whether they are just male or female.

Thank you for your answer, and yes, I do feel better now :) 

Indeed. I think it happens more with older generations, at least that’s what I see in my country. There are definitely a lot of things to unlearn, tho that’s a hard task if people aren’t really open to it.

Thank you for the advice, I find it very interesting. However, I will not be talking to him for now, it is really bad for my mental health, sadly. If things get better in a near future, maybe I’ll do it so I’ll keep what you said in mind.

I appreciate your answer :)

It's so weird how even if i'm not trying to dress in an androgynous way, I can shift from male to female based on how people perceive me. It definitely shows the futility of gender construct for sure, especially people who are the "borderline" of one gender  in some way or another.

On 12/1/2021 at 1:43 PM, roboticanary said:

from the point of view of us being OK with it, sure. I'm pretty sure we have had someone drop in as audio only from time to time before.

If this is because you don't have a camera you may want to do a quick check online to see if google meet will allow you to connect to a meeting. I don't see why it shouldn't but might be worth having a look at.

I used to teach online classes and Google Meet did allow people to join without camera access, at least back in 2020, so I think it should still be okay?

6 hours ago, roboticanary said:

If you click on your profile you should see a picture of your avatar with a text box next to it saying 'Write a public message on your own feed...' click that

The other way is on the forums page, on the right hand side and just under the heading 'Recent Status Updates' there is a small space saying 'What's on your mind?' click that and you should be able to write an update

Thanks so much!

4 hours ago, kikicita said:

Hi everyone! I have been exploring my gender for a while now. I identified as bigender in the past but now I think I might be genderfluid. I talked to someone important to me about this; I sent him a video of my transformation from fem to masc and he said “it is obvious that you are a woman”. Then I kindly asked for him to learn and see me just as a person, since I’m not sure of what label fits best yet. He then said “and you’re a person not an alien?”, to which I replied, “not a woman nor a man, I mean”, to which he said, again: “well, you have very feminine features and to me, you’re a woman. If you’re annoyed by that then I don’t know.”

It felt extremely invalidating. Besides, after I told him that I’m not sure about my gender, he said that I have no rights to be bothered about him and others seeing or perceiving me as a woman. And I mean, I’m not quite sure of what I am, but I’m pretty sure of what I’m not. He also said that I’m not stable, so I don’t have the rights to be bothered nor will people know how to deal with me, besides saying that my identity isn’t relevant bc it doesn’t affect him/our relationship and I’m too sensitive about this.

I just wanted him to try to understand and be there for me. I cannot go to anyone else to talk about this, it sucks.
 

Also, I’ve told him about me questioning my gender at the beginning of my journey, tho I didn’t explicitly say that I identified as bigender. To that, he said that I should just live as I want. Now he forgot everything regarding that convo and said that I started to be like this just because I cut my hair. That also annoyed me bc it’s not something that happened from night to morning. 
 

I can relate to this as an intersex person who is genderfluid but sometime bigender. People often tell me I'm cis, and are in disbelief when I tell them I'm intersex, as if internal biological traits that are both male and female are supposed to be shown in my face or body in a super obvious way and that it can't be subtle. People can tell that I look androgynous naturally but can't put their finger on it unless I have a beard or something or just are creepily analyzing my body shape. But in general due to certain characteristics, I'm also read as female most of the time because of the binary view of gender. I also don't get why people are so ignorant about the neuroscientific aspects of being trans/non-binary, like there's something biological going on to make you identify with physical traits of other genders and it's not just about the body. But that's too hard for a lot of people who buy into toxic masculinity and gender roles and all that.

I hope you feel better, as it's something I've dealt with from friends.

4 minutes ago, Erederyn said:

It really depends on the couple. If I'm good friends with at least one of them, I tend to be okay with it, and if I like my friend's partner or I'm friends with both of them, it can be a fun time. My close friends who are in relationships/coupled up tend to be mindful and respectful of making me feel included usually, which I'm thankful for. WIth some other couples who act as if there aren't any other people in the world, though, then yeah, I do sometimes wonder why I'm even there. 

I get this sometimes too, it can indeed be a reminder that you're missing or getting less care. Not necessarily getting less care from that specific person but less care in general. For example I need regular physical contact, but with social distancing, I haven't been able to get that, so then when I see my couple friends cuddling each other or holding hands, I feel extra touch-starved.  

I hear you on the physical contact thing, seeing other people get something can certainly make you jealous. It certainly does for me. 

Maybe it's because I'm from a very heterosexual oriented area, but a lot of the basic assumptions of romance haven't been challenged. So cuddling and holding hands is seen as a "romance" thing for many people. Even extends to gay folks as well sometimes, the only people don't seem to have an issue with that are the poly-folks, whether straight, gay, or pan. But even there jealousy is a thing, so I guess many people just use relationship roles and to mask jealousy, which is stupid, since you aren't addressing the root cause of the problem. I had a friend who was trans but in a "hetero" relationship and his partner was pretty jealous of having me included and getting cuddles and stuff. So yeah, it's a murky world out there for sure.

OK, and are we able to join without the use of Video? Like can we just use chat and mic? 

How does one go about creating neopronouns? It's something that has fascinated me personally. 

Kinda related to this, but how do you create a status update?

It's tough for me because things usually are fine in the beginning, but then you kind of realize that you get less "care" if you will as opposed to the person they are in a relationship with. This could be intentional or not, but it still hurts me a lot as a person who struggles to keep friends around for a long period of time, and hasn't found someone who is into a QPR lifestyle, simply because too many people have told me that's not "real dating". So yeah I get hurt a lot, unless it's a couple that's already out of the "lovey-dovey" phase and in the phase where they are more like people living together who have a mutual respect for each other or something like that.

Hey there! I'm curious about whether anyone here has engaged in solo poly as an aromantic person. I think I just would like cuddles and (maybe) sex with someone I really trusted, though I don't necessarily need to engage in sex all the time, especially considering that I'm demi and gray-asexual. A QPR would be nice but not required, for sure.

But not only has finding such an arrangement been hard but it's also been difficult to find people who are compatible with my interests, like historical clothing, mathematics, science, and politics. I've never been good with small talk due to the cultural group I was raised in, and well, I am just not the best with being entertaining or having lots of resources to share with people (taking people on cool trips, for example).

So I'd like to hear your thoughts about resources or whether you've engaged in solo poly yourself? 

For me, not really. I really like being around others. But I do wish I weren't second fiddle to my friends "romantic partners" and just being someone that they talk to casually. And that people enjoyed talking about serious topics more, instead of "small talk" as I'm currently in a country where small talk is the most acceptable form of banter apparently. So maybe that's why my social life sucks big time. 

I do also need alone time and stuff, but right now I haven't had much IRL social interaction due to COVID-19, at least apart from my parents and my neighbors.

I've used reddit for that type of stuff, maybe it would work for you? OkCupid and other traditional ways of dating hasn't really worked for me to be honest. It's easier to meet people on an online forum that has (established) communities with people like you.

I have mentioned this before, but sometimes I feel as if the whole institution of "romance", "romantic relationships" and other such concepts are  patriarchal tools used to lure women (or broadly speaking, AFAB people) into homemaking, taking care of men above their own needs, and having children within a nuclear family while also having to take care of a man, not to mention having to do all of that in a non-threatening way (aka can't be too dominant, loud, or other such things) while also having to maintain a full time job. Of course not all men are like this, but patriarchal institutions like dating, romance, and so on seem to lead to this from my observations though.