Blake

You might be aro if your family in law comes to visit and they all speak about how hard their partners or relationships are and your response is: divorce and be happy alone.

As an aroace here, I can tell you that having sex and masturbating do not define who you are. You can be ace and still enjoy sex. Same with masturbation, those are actions done by you. Being asexual, is part of your identity. It means that you have small or zero sexual attraction. You can have sex and it feels good because it releases endorphins, not because the act was good. It is up to you to decide but yes, you can be ace or in the ace spectrum and enjoy sex and madturbation.

What I would say is speak with your partner and let them know. Communication is key, since you have a kid together and you are with your partner. I hope you can find a happy medium, and do not get discouraged. You can make your relationship work and embrace your ace identity if you want. Because being in a relationship and then finding out your ace-spec isn't the end of that relationship, it is up to you and your partner to figure out the next steps. Cheers and trust in yourself.

-TW: Tough talk-

Ok everyone who is reading this, this will be a long post, but I finally am in a good place to have this conversation. 

I know full well that I am aro and ace, no doubt in my mind at all. So my sexual and romantic identity are check. Now, my gender identity has always been a conversation that I avoided having with myself. This is my safe space and I trust everyone here enough to ask for advice.

First, I know that I am the only one with the answer, but that doesn't mean I want to know outside opinions so I can deconstruct it and get to my own conclusions. I am a scientist and I believe in experimentation

Second, I have age majority so I can see a therapist (which I will do when I find one that is trustworthy and have expertise in queer clients). This means for me that I have a household to go, or I can find one if things don't go the way I want them to go.

Third, I am looking for a job that pays me well for having a bachelor degree so I can get money for my masters, so currently unemployed but not for long since I put my grown up pants on and will begin looking for jobs tomorrow 8am.

Now for the issue at hand: my gender identity. I don't love myself, I don't love my body since I had 12 years, and I am now on mid twenties. That is a little over half my life not loving what I see in the mirror. However, I tried to remedy it by doing excercises, taking martial arts, running 5km daily. It helped, i got fit, i could see myself in a mirror at least or when bathing. But the thing was that I wasn't satisfied.

I yearned to be in a female body, have boobs, a vagina, uterus, long hair, use makeup. But I couldn't. I could not have those things at 12 years old. The reason was my father and the culture I was raised in. It ingrained in me that I was a man. That being a women was being inferior. I won't speak of my childhood more, just that it wasn't an ideal environment for me to be myself. So I chose to not be myself and be what my parents (my father in particular) wanted me to be.

Just like that, I repressed a part of me. It was in order to survive in the environment I was being raised. The other option was to embrace myself and let all hell break out and maybe be disown at 15 years old and be in the streets. Idk, that is the route I did not choose so I can only speculate. The point being that I shut down myself to act like the person my family wanted me to be. 

Now, at 22-23 I realized I was aro and at 24 that I was ace. My gender identity was "men" till 18 and when I went to college I started opening myself more to labels and chose androgynous. The reason being that I did not feel like a man, but also I could not be a women, cuz I wasn't born one. (I know that this is a simplistic way of thinking but it was what I thought at the moment)

I knew I wasn't really a man. I could not be a women, so that left me with the middle (if we see it as binary), and for a while that worked out. But now, after having some time outside of the influences of my parents (9 months) I began working out with my gender identity. The thing is that I do not know if I should say I am transgender. For fear of giving bad stereotypes, or realizing I wasn't and if I started speaking about it and then I said I wasn't ot would be hell for me cuz then everything will be said that I was "in a phase; I would grow out of it; etc" and that is not the purpose. I want to be 1000% sure before speaking it out loud to anyone close to me. I want to be confident, and speak with facts, with hard boiled truth without a grain of clumsiness.

I will see a therapist and speak about this in the near future, but I want advice on how to know if I would be trans or not.

This leads to the second issue: Because I do not like the binary at all, I would be non-binary trans, and that is something I have zero experience with. So anyone who can tell me how that would work and I can explain it without recurring to the internet I will be grateful. 

I would be amab: assigned male at birth. If anything. So I would be an aroace non-binary trans??? Idk... I don't want to speak it to anyone for fear of rejection. I am begging to shave all days to see if I can make my shadow beard dissapear naturally. I am letting my hair be shoulder lenght. Will buy some makeup to put my face more androgynous or even maybe femenine. I will surely experiment with myself since I am now in a good environment, but I wanted to know the opinions from anyone here. 

Thanks for reading and o/  <---(this is a waving person)

Thanks everyone for your insight and sorry for being absent this months. Been dealing with some personal stuff but now I am back.

Hi Milo,

welcome to the forum and glad you are finding yourself. Like you, I did identified as pansexual for the same reasons, but later I discovered I was ace. Everyone has their own unique experience when it comes to discovering themselves, and coming to terms with it is great ^^ If you have any questions, just ask away and be happy in this safe space.

Cheers and here some pie and coffee to celebrate your coming (Insert tasty key lime pie and coffee)

I am in your same boat, but slightly ahead. I graduated and now am entering into another step of my life. I want to pursue grad studies so it is not like I will leave college, but some of my close friends are entering into professional life so it is happening. 

It is very scary, because amatonormativity is very real even if allos do not see it or are not conscious of it. My words of encouragement are that, even though it's scary as hell, it is a natural process that would have happened even if you weren't aro. People move on with their life, but that doesn't mean its all over. It is up to you to determine if you want to continue to cultivate the bonds you have formed. 

Each week, try to make them do one activity together. Even if you aren't physically close, a call or playing an online game together helps a lot. My friends and I separate 2-3 hours per Friday or Sunday to see anime or series. You can do something like that, and customize it to your groups of friends.

Maybe it will be hard, and some may give up on it, but don't let it put you down. Continue to try, and it isn't like you will not meet new people in this new step of your life ^^ new people are scary but you may find great friends within them. 

Changes will happen, and it is good to be prepared for them, but don't let it stress you out too much. Talk with your friends, and together come with a plan. I believe is possible, even with allos. Make them see that friendship is just as fulfilling as relationships, because both are valid and there is no hierarchy.

Hi Valerie, I am a bit late to the thread but if you wanted a bit of advice I will gladly give it. 

From what you said, I think you are within the aro-spec. Nevertheless, your romantic attraction is very valid and important. From what I perceive, you want initial connection but once you connect, it fades. From this lithro or aro are the labels I would think of. However, when you said that you see it as a chore to continue with the relationship I would say that it may be from another source.

Let me explain my thoughts on this by giving myself as an example, I did things because it was what society stipulated had to be done for a relationship, not what I wanted to do genuinely. Therefore, because I didn't really wanted to do it I saw it as work. This may happen to you too, at least is my belief. 

Try to search and be with someone that wants the same as you and put rules in the relationship. Be at ease, and stand your ground and what you believe. Search what you want, and do not go for less. Be a happy lesbian ^^. And if you change the ToR (Terms of relationship) then inform the new terms. See it as business transaction, you give and you receive. No romo if you dont want. Yes sex if you want. No cuddles, yes hand holding, etc. 

Hope it helps, peace and out :3

Life is a series of event that we quantify in the concept of time inside this universe

I want to go by they/them but I am deeply afraid of society and how it would treat me. My family too, because they don't know I am queer (and don't want them to know for the time being). But if given the chance I would use they->she->him (in order of comfyness to me) I don't like societal rules of defining gender since it is people telling me what I am. Doesn't impact my life in a big enough way that I would go out of my way to explain to everyone why I want the change.

I am aroace, with aro being a really important part of my identity. However, it doesn't really conflict with my gender identity since I don't identify neither as male or female but as androgynous. I feel that there is not enough representation for queer characters in the current media, and less about minorities inside that umbrella. I want to identify with someone inside movies, series or just anybody that embraces their queer or non binary identity without relating it to sexual or romantic themes. 

I understand that one issue in the representation is that "it wouldn't sell; it is boring" so you do not hear in media things that aren't "juicy". That is one problem, or that people criticize without knowing all details. I for one abide for the rule that people should mind their business, so I am against the idea of reading about celebrities life if they do not give their consent.

Sorry if I went off topic, yeah my aroness and aceness don't affect much my identity as a person, because I am unique and so are everyone else, so I am cool with the idea of everyone being themselves and we care for everyone equally.

100% YouTube, I can learn a lot in YouTube and there is varieties. 

WYR talk with animals or have unlimited free access to all transports

Hi there Beatriz, you are not cold or mean. It is just who you are and what you feel and that is fine. Now, to the topic, you may be aromantic. But if you want to do some research, look up cupioromantic, akoiromantic, aroflux. It may help you understand some concepts better. Also, any doubts, ask away and enjoy your experiences. 

Hello there Egg ^^ welcome and enjoy your stay. Happy soon to be 5th anniversary and hope you can celebrate every year until the earth reclaims our nutrients back. Any conversation you wanna have, be welcome to do. Have some pie and coffee (insert tasty key lime pie and coffee)

Hello there, welcome and please feel free to ask questions if you want. Questioning your identity doesn't have age limits so use the labels you feel comfy with, and if they change later then they did and that is fine. Anyhow, just feel comfy and here is some coffee and pie (insert tasty coffee and key lime pie). Have a great existence

I would write an essay of why is it that love is not a mental illness, and all reasons and some researches to back it up, but I think that it is not necessary, and my own thoughts and experiences should suffice. TW: mental illness talk

My ability to love does not have a direct correlation to my mental illnesses. I love my friends, I love my dog, I love myself. There are many types of love, and people (mostly straight people) want to put ever single one together. They want something simple, something digestible, something that they do not have to think. I disagree with that, love is complex, and should be treated as such, and explored in a slow manner. Now, when you compare love with mental illness, you are categorizing both on a similar scale, and (pardon my expression) you are spitting on the face of every mentally ill person by saying love is a mental illness. No one chooses to have a mental illness, but you can choose who you love. I can see someone and make myself be in love (cuz "falling" for me means it was involuntary). It is an active choice, and because I am choosing it, it is fundamentally different from a mental illness, because I have no say in the matter. I have yet to see an article that have solid, peer reviewed sources, that can correlate love with mental illness. Because, what is love? By who was it defined? Do we all have the same definition? How do we say someone has a mental illness? By chemical imbalance in the brain? Then how about people who menstruate? Are they mentally ill when they have their periods? Because you have to define what constitute a chemical imbalance. Are we speaking of a selected group of mentally ill people, because depression and Alzheimer are both mental illnesses, and you have Alzeheimer mostly in elderly person but depression does not have a specific predominant group. LGBTQIA+ persons are more likely to suffer a mental illness than straight people, so are we really talking unbiased here? Basically, there is too many that can vary from people to people in many areas. There is no consensus to have as base to make a study that can have a solid base. Studying people is hard because to make an experiment and be able to publish results that are concrete you need to be able to replicate the experiment and get the same results, and that is not adding statistical analysis into the equation. Therefore, someone that tells me that being in love is having a mental illness, is for me, disrespecting those who suffer from a mental illness. (There are so many types of love, that for me is an heteronormative concept it trying to condense all into just one "perfect" love) People are different, people are individuals with unique experiences, and it is ok to try to come with something as a base, but there are things that cannot be explained by science with our current knowledge and technology and that is fine and ok. If in the year 3000 we are still alive as species, and we can explain by science what the hell love is, then so be it, but as of now, we ca only make conjectures at best.

Ps. I did make a mini essay-rant but I just saw the title and some of the comments and had to give my opinion. I did not saw the videos but I am based on the title of the thread and the comments. If someone has a study about this topic, I would like to see it because I have found nothing that can convince me on this specific topic.

On 3/18/2021 at 1:28 PM, Acecream said:

(Maybe to the aroaces of you: was it simpler to came out as aro or as ace and which of both seemed to be more important to you?)

As something I did recently, it was easier to come out as aro than ace, since I could explain in detail my feelings and how I saw things. Where as when I did the same with ace, it took more effort to convince and I was met with a pity look like I was missing out an enormous experience. Though after some more deep talk, they understood me and seemed excited to learn more. So I will take it as a win.

Between romance favorable-indifferent-repulsed, it will depend on the specific subject.

If it is media, I try to avoid it because I want more out of the media I consume. If a director has to use romance to advance a plot, that person should evaluate its skills, since you have so many things you can use for it. It is a matter of lack of imagination, that I really avoid romance in media in most cases. There are exceptions, but they are scarce.

If it is directed at me, I am a bit repulsed and uncomfortable since I cannot reciprocate those feelings and will never be. So I would rather not be in that situation at all, and if I am, then it will be an awkward one.

Now, I am romance positive in most scenarios, as long as I am not involved. I don't mind seeing kisses or romantic gestures. I know it is not for me and I am fine with it, if someone else likes it then yay for them. The one thing I don't like is when someone wants to feed me their romance perspectives. Trying to minimize platonic relationships, making it look "less than". I don't impose my views and I would like the same treatment toward me, nothing less.

YMBAI you prefer to spend money on buying ingredients to cook at home or cheap food than going to a fancy restaurant with someone else.

I concur some of the answers here.  You are doing an action with an exclusive meaning directed toward the person. Firstly, any actions can carry a meaning, but it is us as persons who decide that specific meaning. I can hand hold with a person for various reasons, one of them can be to show affection, another to not lose that person in a crowd, or just because I want to feel a warmth. You give meaning behind each action and you communicate directly or indirectly that feeling. 

As a rule of thumb, do not assume anything that you do not understand, and ask if you are unsure. You will avoid some problems by it in the long run. My friends knows that any kind of actions directed at me by them, will be received as friends as a baseline and will not change the meaning unless verbally spoken otherwise. So when I hold hands with my friends is in a platonic way. Same with cuddles, I like to cuddle for the fact that it feels good (but only for 1-2 mins then I stop, my cat teach me how to be like that :3) so yh, only you can give meaning to your actions ^^ hope it helped

Hi! Welcome to the forum. May you have a nice stay and do not doubt to ask questions to discover yourself, we are always happy to receive people and help each other in the journey of self-discovery ^^. Take some key lime pie and coffee (insert tasty pie with a cup of freshly brewed coffee)

Hello anon. Firstly, idk if this relates to aro content since the subject is relationship with a married person and you have not stated your identity but nevertheless I will give you my opinion since you asked a question.

Any relationship is built on mutual trust to some extent. So by keeping info that he stated was true but then wasn't, it became a breach of trust. Be it 1 hr or 10 years it is still a breach in it. You can feel mad, it is your feelings and no one can tell you otherwise. Now, if he lied about one thing, he may well lie about other things (that is my reasoning and I am very harsh when it comes to lies because it costs nothing to say the truth and start from there). You can confront him, or don't. That is up to you. Me personally, when someone lies to me I just shut that person down from my life and move on, I do not look behind. But that is me.

You are hurt, that hurt is valid and you can bring it up to him with your reasons and start from there. Or you can ignore it altogether and continue, up to you. 

The fact that he is has communication is, for me, irrelevant. I can keep convos with my ex and it means nothing since I see it as friends keeping communication. That I sleep with someone and then break up and continue with my life doesn't mean I cannot keep communication with that ex. Now if he is sleeping with her actively and you are in a close relationship then that is another thing. Cheating is cheating, plain. But by the info you provided, (i think) you don't know if that is the case. I will not tell you what to do, just that the fact is that 1. He lied and your hurt, so you have a choice here

2. You don't know how you are feeling regarding that he still communication with his ex (they may just be friends). You cant tell him to cut ties with his ex without having a degree of possessiveness over him, since we are free autonomous beings and prohibiting something for someone is going against that autonomy.

The decision is yours, do what you want to do. Live your life, and if you want to live your life with someone then do it knowing that it is your life you are spending, so spend it whoever you like. ^^ carpe diem

In English it would be potato, in spanish one translation papa. Now when you papa, you need to know where to put the force in the word because it can either mean a potato or father which I find funny cuz you are calling a potato your father and vice versa

13!

Salut Théotime, je parle un peu français. ^^ your intro was good. Feel at home and do not worry about labels if you do not want them now, they are there to help you, not to burden you.

3 hours ago, crazydreamer said:

And I was like, "That's why you don't want me to get it?"

Important lesson learned: Haircuts ruin marriages.

I would have honestly said: "bold of you to assume I wanna get married" I know indian culture puts some heavy weight in marriage, but for me, I do not want to get married and it wasn't until some years ago that I knew that it was my really my choice and not something I had to do. But yeah, my statement would most likely started war with your father.