Blake

Ok, I am like nonmerci and aepaex, no expert in relationships so what I'm gonna say should be taken with pincers. The matter that she has shared personal information with you, and that she and you are comfy cuddling, can be taken into assuming that you both have a level of confidence for each others. She has said that she isn't looking for a relationship, however, the definition of relationship varies from people to people. You could explain to her the terms qpr, zuchinni and that romance isn't always a must so a relationship can grow. Shared with her your knowledge, then if you feel comfy, tell her what you are scared, that she could potentially put you in a third wheel. She has assured you that the bond between you will remain, but hearing it after you have shared your mind with her could help you. Hope this helps mate ^^

On 3/19/2020 at 11:54 PM, Korbin said:

Anyways, it's so nice to meet you, Blake!! I've heard of rbwy though I've never watched it, think it's worth checking out? 

Oh yes RWBY is one of my fave series. It is the one of two who i see only when I am with my friends because we live it up. Reccomend it if you like some really good battle scenes. It started as a small project and was made with CGI instead of regular animation but the art now is some levels above the original. Give it a go ^^ I think you will enjoy it.

I have been in one relationship only. 9 months was the time that it ran through. It is thanks to this relationship that I discovered that romance was not for me and the label of aromantic (thanks for this because i wasn't broken).

Story time: What I thought where butterflies was really anxiety. They told me that I was cold and unafectionate among other things. They weren't technically wrong, but hey I cant give what I don't have. What I wanted was a best friend, but they wanted much more than that, and that scared me because at the time I wasn't sure what the hell was happening, I just wanted someone to go out, eat, have fun, see a movie, and then repeat the next free day. They wanted to do romance coded things a lot, which I wasn't against but i felt nothing of it (holding hands is just eschange of sweat,and kissing is exchange of saliva) and i told it several times when asked about my feelings toward they. In the end they thought I was afraid of commitment and had betrayed their trust. I was the one that ended it because I understood that I couldn't give what they wanted and I was slowly suffocating from the relationship.

Now, that decision was the thing that made me learn from me. Who I was, what I really wanted and that I am not going to get comfortable in a relationship that doesn't work for me. If I couldn't fulfill my criterias, then so be it, I'll keep looking, but never less than I deserve. First me, then the rest of the world, cuz aiming for the best is what I deserve. (My self confidence has improved a lot since the broke up)

7 months of after my relationship and time of self discovery and I found I was aromantic. It clicked to me and I knew it. :3 long post but this was something I wanted to share, my story to help others in similar situations.

I am out as aro to 2 people only, my best friend and a friend from university. Both are really good keeping secrets so i won't be outed. Besides that, my family doesn't know and will not know from my mouth. Both my parents want me to have kids and get married, which I will not give them cuz I am not interested. Both are sad but my decision will never change. My answer to the parents that want to guilt trip the kids into having kids is that they get a bed and work on anothee kid if they want grandkids. That they raise another kid to adulthood and try again if that fails, but never force or guilt trip someone into a decision that doesn't concern them,that is plain rude and bad parenting. A parent's job is to raise their kid, nothing more. We as the product of an activity we were not asked about have zero reason to owe them anything.

27 minutes ago, Ace_of_Spades7 said:

Thank you, I appreciate this. I understand some aros do want partners, which is also valid! It's just hard for me when people assume that even all aro-aces are looking for partners. I've seen other aro-aces express worry of being lonely once all their friends marry, have kids, etc., and even when they say that they don't want a QPR, their posts are still flooded with comments about how they should be in a QPR. But in my case, I feel like I can force myself to want that, you know? So that assumption becomes very frustrating.

It is up to you if you want to look for a partner. I understand your worry of everyone leaving at some point of your life, because it is my worry and the worry of a lot of people here and in other communities. I think everyone in the a-spectrum feels alone and even betrayed by friends when they leave. Also, it is normal to want to connect with people, because we are social animals (if you believe in evolution). Moreover, people change their minds a lot. ^^ My advice is to connect with people that you know share your goals or passions. I have found a dnd group that we reunite once per month for sessions. I love to taste coffee, and I got a friend who shares this passion with me, so we go sometimes to coffee bars to drink and talk. Having different activities with different kind of groups has help me not rely on just one or the other. It wasn't easy, but it is not impossible. Finally, the most important thing is to never force yourself into something you dont want to be in. I forced myself to date for 9 months and I hated myself for it, because i thought that i should like to date (this was before knowing i was aro). And it was selfish of me to put my partner through the sadness of those 9 months just because I wanted to know what it was to date. (There is more to the story but that is for another day). If you dont like broccoli, then don't eat it, there are other options ^^. The hard part is to find it, but hey that is life i guess.

55 minutes ago, Ace_of_Spades7 said:

Honestly, I was shocked when joined AVEN how many aro-aces still actively seek partnership in QPRs. For myself personally as an aro-ace, I had always felt like an inherent part of being aro was not wanting partnership of any kind. Which was in part why I joined Arocalypse; I felt out of place, realizing "wow, even aro aces want a partner... is something actually wrong with me then??"

First, you are valid for not wanting to be in a relationship of any kind. The beauty of being a human being is we are all different. Yes, some aro want a relationship, probably not a romantic one, maybe a qpr. But there are some that do not want to be, like you. Aromanticism is a spectrum, so there is not just a single type of aro (greyaro/demi/a/cupio/etc). Also, what is for me a relationship isn't the same for others. Hipe this could help you mate.

On 8/11/2019 at 9:56 AM, eatingcroutons said:

Oh for fuck's sake. The entire point is that a QPR is a label chosen by the people involved for a relationship that they feel, as Coyote said, "doesn't fit within societal norms". It's a label used by people who feel their relationship isn't adequately described by any other term available within their social and cultural environment. 

 

That is, there's no specific feeling or behaviour or commitment that makes a relationship a QPR; the idea that someone else can define your relationship as "queerplatonic" based on the nature of the relationship is perpetuating the exact amatonormative relationship hierarchy bullshit that the term was coined in opposition to! 

I agree with both coyote and with you. Imho, only the people inside the relationship can say what they are into. No person outside the relationship can put a label on the ones inside the relationship. First, because it is rude; second, because it does perpetuate amatonormativity; third, outsiders are just people who observe and come to a conclusion based on what they saw, there is no inside information. Only the ones in the relationship have all the information on what is happening and what has happened. If the persons inside the relationship think and are comfortable with the label Queerplatonic, then i say that go for it, but i do not think that putting that label without asking first the ones inside the relationship is somethi g that should be done. I find labels are, both, a blessing and a curse. Because it gives people the ability to know and validate themselves but also give room to people to put labels to everything, when maybe they don't feel comfortable nor think that the label describe them. 

1 hour ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Anyway, what’s up allo aros! How y’all doin today?

Doing great. Transitioning to online classes because of the Coronavirus and trying to do some excercises to keep my black blood running.

I wish I could tell you that in the society that we are living, friends and romantic partners are seeing as equals. I feel your struggle, I know what is to be the third wheel, if even considered a wheel at all. However, do not give up, you can find someone that understands you and wants the same as you, if that is what you want. Also, you can be enough to follow whatever goals you put yourself, no need of someone else. Follow your dream and if you click with a partner(s) then there you go, and if not, then continue walking.

(Me trying to be positive and encourage you to look at positive side of this sick and romance-driven society).

Hugging only with people i know and I'm very comfortable. If im not comfortable, there will only be a salute by nodding my head. Only exception is in family meetings since everyone salutes by hugging, and well, little choice there if I want to avoid explaining my aversion to affection to people that simply won't underatand and say is just rude to no greet someone. 

I enjoy sometimes cuddling if it's with a close friend. The warmth isn't that bad, and usually is because we are seeing a movie, so we all know is just non-romantic.

Kissing is only good to salute my friends and in the cheek. I dislike make outs, french kisses and long kisses because i get bored. Swapping saliva is just icky for me, keep your tongue where it belongs please.

On 3/10/2020 at 11:22 AM, Alexrobinmc said:

But during these times i really learnt how alien all this romantic stuff feels to me, holding hands, cuddling, cheek kisses, slow dancing, it was like i was acting a part, when i shouldn't have been, i should have liked them, they would all have been well suited to me. With the one crush i did have, i never had an urge to kiss her, but i'm pretty sure it was a crush because i just had a really intense longing feeling and i wanted to always be hugging her (at the time i was very against hugs and being touched) and i would think about her all the time and my heart went panic mode, and even though we don't talk anymore i really miss her and still feel a small sense of longing even now.

Before anything, i suugest looking into the definition of "squish" and see if you felt either a crush or a squish. Now, from what i can read, i concur with pressAtoQUEER, maybe demi-/grey-sexual is your label (if you feel comfortable with it). What I suggest is to continue exploring by yourself, and find youself and what calls to you. Never ever pressure yourself into a situation you do not want to be. Also, a tip I can give, and many more here, is that establishing ground rules is essential for any kind of relationship, be it romantic or platonic. Enjoy at your pace and safely.

On 3/10/2020 at 11:22 AM, Alexrobinmc said:

 and while having a crush was painful i liked it in a way because it was a super intense feeling and i can only imagine what that would be like if it was reciprocated but i just feel like i'm missing out while everyone around me is dating and falling in love:// 

Maybe what you loved from that pain, the one that your crush gave you, is that intensity that you never felt before. Imagine this, you are in a jungle in the middle of nowhere, and you are thirsty af, then you find a river you are relieved that now you will not have thirst. That feeling of happiness is what you love, not the water itself. And since before going to the jungle you never had thirst, it is further amplified. What you are looking is to feel it again. Also, dating sometimes is overrated, cuz is just something you can do with your friends any time, going out and eating together, society wants you to call it a date only cuz its better economically since you may want to wooo the other person by asking something pricy. Going date = going to do a normal thing but with someone "special". But if you do it with friends is just hanging out. However, falling in love is something i will not speak about because is like asking a blind person to describe the paint at the street wall, i just never fallen in love so can't speak there. Hope i could help.

First of all, if you feel that you belong in the aro-spec, then you are more than welcome to label yourself with it. Only you know what is happening inside your head.

Now, saying that, let me tell you something that happened to me that may help you have better knowledge of you. I got myself in a relationship some years ago for the wrong reasons. I did not knew about ace nor aro. I felt really bad because, what society and tv told me that a relationship was supposed to be was not being my case. I could not reciprocate the feelings that my partner was giving me because i did not felt them. I understand now that what I wanted at that moment was a qpp. I now know what that is. I wanted someone that i could talk to without feeling the overwhelming pressure that each time we saw each other we had to hold hands, or kiss, or make out. Or that we had to date at least once per month, or each night the we where together we had to automatically have sex.

Those things caused me to feel broken, because I could not always fulfill my partners desires without draining me inside. At the end I broke up the relationship because i understood that they would be able to fulfill they desires of a relationship with someone else. My moral of the story is to ask yourself what you want and talk with the other(s) person(s) if they agree to your terms and you with they. As long as you are happy all will be good.

Ps. You can be allo aro or ace aro, both are valid, hope I could help you. And the marriage of your parents can help you understand what you want and not want for you in a relationship. Use all the experiences that you can to better understand yourself.

Thanks sennkestra and Mark, a friend is making me a ring made out of a creamy white wood. When he is done I'll post it. Also for now I'm not fully out,so the ring is best for me. Maybe later ill get one with the flag and do some combination with my outwear. 

Hello there Korbin, my alias is Blake cuz i like RWBY. Glad you found this forum. I like to write poems from now and then. And i play dnd too but my current session is on hold until May so I can finish university first. Also yeah being on every minute of our life here would mean we can't enjoy being aro so go and live life (while visiting here from now and then ^^). 

This has been an excellent thread to read. Gonna try to revive it. I am aro and the way I experience sexual attraction is kinda weird. I want to feel connected to the other person, can't be a random person. After having a connection, my next step is to just talk about life and our experiences of life. That is it, after that if we both want sex then so be it, but I need to know that the person I would be having sex wants to share they life. Dinner? Sure, just two person eating and having fun. Kisses? Eh, i don't feel anything by it, it's just swapping saliva with someone else. Hand holding? Only to share heat and not freeze my hands.

Before a sex partner i want a friend. Someone I can have fun without the romance, because it's just so weird the things done in the name of love. Like having at least a sliver of control is not hard. The thing is, people want to feel loved, but the only kind of love that they believe exist is romantic one. I love my friends just because they are my friends, no romance involved, I love they have X things in them, be it a hot body, an open mind, or that we like a lot of the same things.

A personal experience: Just us hanging out and enjoying some dinner, and watching series. And I ask normally if they wanna bang. Casually, cuz is not a big fuss. We just shut down whatever we were doing and just bang. Nothing more, another activity we are doing together, and no romo involved. That is the kind of relationship im down for. The sad thing is that now we graduate, so we are going away each one of us, but we gonna mantain communication (i really hope so).

So yeah, my case is very rare i think, but i see sex just as another fun thing to do, and i found others who see it like that. In this relationship i am the only aro, the others are alloromantics but they respect me and treat me as an equal in the weird thing we have, we all have the same position, a partner in crime. ^^ Hope you guys enjoyed my monologue.

On 8/21/2019 at 11:13 PM, Chibi Sam Winchester said:

-Pets in general because it sort of symbolizes lack of wanting a partner (i.e. having a pet instead)

I think having multiple pets is part of aro culture. Because they are the best partner and (usually) are the happiest things and want the best for you. I'm a dog person and have 4 now.

36 minutes ago, Korbin said:

"So are aromantics sl*ts, then?" My mom upon being explained what an aro is after she asked. 

Tldr: Aro =/= slut. You are human and want something and that is ok.

It is so much more than sex. You do not sleep with every person you see. And there are much more attraction than sexual or romantic ones. My answer for your mom would be if she would sleep with her friends, and if she says no, ask her why. That way maybe she can see that not everything is about sex. Only my best friend knows I'm aro, and they answer was, "ok, want some cookies?" And that was the best thing that happened to me cuz I was scared that they thought we became friends just to sleep with they.

26 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

It would depend on context, usually. If someone talks about just "allos" it usually means alloromantics, but the phrase "allo aro" refers to allosexual aromantics.

As for the rings, I've... Never actually heard of anyone using green rings? White ones, sure, but never green... Although I have heard also of wearing rings with arrow themes. You could also just get aro merch, if you want to be more direct about it. I own several aro pins and a T-shirt.

Thanks a lot for the answer about the ring. Yeah, definitely going to try to get some merch, im sick of being hidden and not being able to express myself truly.  

Hi, I discovered i was aromantic a few days ago. It clicked to me when i was reading about aromantism since i could relate to the definition and through my search in the forums I became more sure by reading the opinions of everyone here. I want to show pride in being aromantic and I was reading about white rings and green rings on the middle finger from the left hand. Just wanted to know if both color work and if I could show it any other way? Thanks in advance!

Ps. Also, when I read allo here does it mean allosexual or alloromantic? Or depends of the convo? Was a bit confused.