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About horriblegoose

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    xie/xem, ey/eir, thon/thon

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  1. Can you possibly be more specific or maybe write us a paragraph example of what you mean by tell you how we knew we were aro but as if we were a book character? Are you just meaning you want us to write in third person? Or something else? Generally, I want to say that people focus way too much on age. Our identities, who we are - these are not static things. People are dynamic! People change. We grow, we learn, we go through new experiences. New language is created and new ways to connect with people and share knowledge are created. Picking a label now doesn't mean it has to 100% be your forever label. It's okay if the term aromantic helps you out now but you decide to use a different label at any later point - in a few days, weeks, months, or years. You're not doing anything wrong by trying out different labels or using different labels at any point in your life. Also, if you are subconsciously trying to be aro (whatever that means - I'm genuinely unsure), maybe there's a reason for that? Maybe it's okay that you respect your feelings and whatever is causing you to feel this way? It's okay to identify as aromantic because you want to. That's all a part of questioning and exploration and figuring yourself out.
  2. Hi, Adriano. I'm so sorry you're feeling lonely and left out! I know not all queer spaces may seem welcoming to catholics, but have you tried connecting to any queer religious groups? Of course nobody can really go out and meet up right now, but maybe try looking around meetup.com and contacting any organizers for meetups that interest you or reaching out to any local queer orgs and seeing if they know anyplace relevant for queer religious folk. A lot of people and groups that can't meet up right now are doing remote meetings. You might have better luck once we've got a better handle on current health events or you might find good luck with social media groups and such popping up now. There are definitely people who understand what you're feeling out there and who have similar experiences to you. Agreed that mid-late teens is a difficult time with people around you getting caught up in relationships and figuring out how to balance these new relationships with their friendships. Keep trucking - I have hope things will get better for you!
  3. I identified as agender for a number of years, and I personally never heard aspec going around in agender circles or something that any agender person used on context of their (lack of) gender nor to refer to some agender community. It kinda sounds like "aspec = aro, ace, and agender" could be a confusion/misstatement of "the a in LGBTQIAPN+ stands for aro, ace, and agender" to me. But that's jmho and complete conjecture.
  4. It's odd and interesting to me how our relationship with our identity can change how we interact with the world and our relationship with other aspects of how our identity presents. Like accepting being trans can often set off really bad rounds of dysphoria, it makes sense to me that accepting you're aro can change your relationship with romantic content, ideas, and actions. It can definitely be annoying to have that happen, though. I really understand missing something that used to be a part of you. Finding a new way to express yourself or interact with these storylines might help. For example, I do a lot of aro headcanoning now and thinking up what ifs and such behind unnecessary romantic subplots and that helps making media with that in it more interesting and less frustrating to consume for me.
  5. I definitely do the same (for multiple reasons) and generally have trouble opening up to people and being emotional around folk. Perception bias does play into things: the few times where I felt like I let down my guard, men definitely took advantage of that and really crossed my boundaries and made me uncomfortable. It's sometimes hard to separate and remember that the men who are like that (not all men! just men like that! and people like that in general) will read into my actions as they want, regardless of how friendly or unfriendly I am because they don't really care about how I feel, just how they feel and what they want. It's hard not to feel like I need to be on guard to protect myself even when I remember that, though. But I've always struggled with displaying emotions, certain emotions in particular. This whole romantic pursuit and flirting thing just added a new layer to things. =x I think this is how I end up in a lot of teasingly/affectionately antagonistic relationships, which is not something I'm particularly happy with either, but I struggle to express myself and feel comfortable otherwise.
  6. I'm so glad you don't feel broken anymore! Please feel free to chat with us around the forums more, too (although it'd personally be easier on my eyes if your posts weren't all in bold ;3 )!
  7. So regarding arousal/physical pleasure: this is something largely connected your headspace, current emotions, mental state, etc. You're not the first person - asexual or otherwise - I've talked to who hasn't really felt anything through sexual simulation. Most of the time, it comes down to underlying anxiety and/or disinterest and/or distress and/or being too much in their head and/or putting too much pressure on themselves to feel a certain way and then panicking and having it be worse when they don't immediately feel that way. Folks can largely address such issues by doing something that I'm going to suggest overall for the issues I hear you discussing in your post: Coming to terms with your feelings and accepting them instead of trying to force them to be something you think they should be. For example, for those who were having trouble feeling sexual pleasure or even sexual simulation, that means doing a lot of work on re-connecting with their body and stop forcing sexual situations. Taking the time to get to know their body and what it likes through exercise, meditation, self-massage, and even plain exploration (like taking a shower in the dark and feeling their body with different pressures and movements) helped take pressure off and helped them learn to relax and learn their body. It also helped give them something to focus on and learning what they did feel as opposed what they they thought they should feel. Also often incorporating meditation and other types of mindfulness exercises helped them be able to better deal with their anxiety and unhealthy thoughts when in the moment. I see a lot of this attitude overall in your post, and I think that's what's really at the root of what's upsetting you and holding you back. For example, as nonmerci pointed out, you can be aro/ace and still want and even be in a romantic/sexual relationship. Yet, there seems to be something holding you back from allowing yourself to pursue this option, and I think it's possibly because you're fighting your feelings rather than accepting them. I get the feeling you have this idea you aren't allowed to have a romantic relationship because you don't experience attraction or romance like you believe you're supposed to. Yes, it's true - you may never experience the specific type of attraction you really want to. But this doesn't mean you can't deeply care for and love someone. It doesn't mean you can't be in a committed, romantic relationship. It doesn't mean you can't do romantic things. It'll be a tricky and likely frustrating path to walk to have to contend with being aromantic and wanting a relationship and finding a partner who understands and accepts this, but that doesn't mean it's impossible or out of reach or that you don't deserve to have what you want. I do really think you would be best served working through this with an aspec friendly therapist moreso than a forum post or two (and definitely not with a doctor who doesn't even know about the aro and ace spectrums!). Unfortunately, I don't know of an aro-focused resource like this, but here's a list of ace-friendly therapists who would hopefully be a good start to finding an aroace-friendly therapist, as well as ace resources to provide to a therapist. And here's a post on how to interview for a therapist who is best for your needs. I'm not sure who you work with for your anti-depressants, but that's all here in case you need! Access to services is really limited right now due to COVID19, but online and remote therapy exists and is available! Finally, I really do suggest taking stock of even the smallest things that are worth sticking around for. Do you have any plants you water and prune? How about any pets you take care of? How about an unfinished game with a friend you want to finish someday? Or the next season of a show you want to see? Or that music video from an musician you love that you still haven't seen? There is so much to life. Even people in romantic relationships who feel romantic attraction have other things to live for than their romantic partner. I hope you are able to be patient and kind with yourself and your feelings. < 3
  8. Here's the thing: if you don't communicate these feelings to her or ask her what she thinks about being in a qpp, you'll never know what she thinks about it. And the best way to know what she thinks will be to talk to her about it. Communicating your feelings and asking a question about if someone wants the same type of relationship as you isn't being pushy or pressuring someone or crossing a line or being inappropriate. It would be pushy to expect that she feel 100% the same as you or bully/harass/coerce/force her into a qpp without sincerely listening and respecting to her answer to your question. It would be inappropriate to tell her how to feel. But simply communicating how you feel is taking an active part in a healthy relationship that includes open and honest communication. Asking someone to enter into a newly/differently defined stage of the relationship is scary, but it's just a question! Even if she says no, the relationship only has to end if one of you wants it to end. Plenty of people continue friendships after one asks for a romantic relationship and the other says no and the same can be true for qpps. It only depends on if the both of you still want that friendship and are willing to work on it and continue it. Being in a qpp does not preclude being a romantic relationship, just as being in a romantic relationship doesn't preclude someone from having platonic relationships. I agree with sajastar that you did a great job of communicating your feelings here! This is scary, but I think you can do a great job doing it. Good luck!
  9. Re-watching Gravity Falls and I forgot just how aro Soos is! Never dated (until Melody) Never really tried to date Never talks about dating Only tries to date because his grandma asks him to Doesn't know how to flirt (outright admits it) Uncomfortable and scared in situations where he's supposed to be romantic Is more comfortable with a computer game "girlfriend" Completely happy to have a long distance relationship, in fact more comfortable than hanging out in person The first time I watched GF, I remember how creepy and upsetting I found the computer girlfriend (Giffany) episode. It stood out to me as one that really didn't fit in with other episodes and didn't belong. It felt forced and heteronormative and amatonormative. This time around, watching Soos through a different lens and realizing how aro all his actions come off as, I reacted a lot differently to the episode. It still does ring of heteronormative and amatonormative, but I realize how Soos is just kinda going with the flow and trying to make his grandma happy more than seriously pursuing dating for himself.
  10. I'm so sorry for how you've been treated, Korbin! That's awful. < / 3 You didn't do anything wrong exploring and discovering your identity. You didn't do anything wrong in changing your labels. I hope you know that people who treat you that way haven't earned a place in your life. It's okay to take space from people like that. It's okay to not share everything about yourself with people like that. It's okay to keep people like that at arm's length. It's okay to do what you need to protect yourself and your mental health and your physical safety. And most of all, it is okay to be you and experience your sexuality how you experience it.
  11. Was your friend also drunk? Because I struggle to even understand what that comment means, so it sounds kinda like poorly thought out drunken rambling. However, if you're hurt/upset by what was said, you're allowed to be! Your feelings are valid. Is this something you might want to have a conversation about with this friend?
  12. I completely understand. I had my own years-long, self-hating, difficult time struggling with exclusionism and coming to terms with myself all over again. Really tough stuff to work through, no matter where/how it's hitting you. I hope you're feeling better and feeling safe in the spaces you've re-entered!
  13. I've only been loosely following along because I don't have the attention span for more, so I could have easily missed something (I have not clicked on any links! I realize this takes away a lot of context), but where exactly did you see someone claim that in this thread? I identify as both aromantic and asexual specifically because I see the two as separate, distinct, and different (which is not a knock on any non-sam aspecs who experience their aspecness differently than me, it's jme). And I certainly think aromanticism deserves its own community and its own place. But I am aromantic, and I also belong in aromantic spaces!!! Yeah, even though I'm asexual. I support more aromantic visibility and education and inclusion. I support the aromantic community taking on its own identity. I also support any non-ace aros wanting specific spaces for them and to talk about being aromantic and being sexual and/or having sexual attraction. That's valid and that's a space they should get to have. I have nothing to say regarding those experiences, so it's not something I need to be included in. But as far as my understanding... that's also not what we're talking about in this thread. We're talking about aroaces feeling generally excluded from their own community. I have seen fellow aroaces get bullied out of the aromantic tag for making posts about aromanticism that also include their asexual experiences and/or are of course also wrapped up in their asexual experiences to the point where I'm afraid to not only post in the aromantic tag but to even acknowledge my asexuality at all in aromantic spaces. I am an aroace person here telling you that I feel alienated by some beliefs that have become prevalent enough in aromantic spaces. There have been points where, even though at this point in my life my aromanticism is a bigger part of my identity, I have felt like I need to stop identifying as aromantic at all because I'm just a nuisance and a problem. Do my experiences and feelings here not matter? Perception is differing from intent here, and that is a problem. I agreed the tag was a problem a couple months there and everything was just cross-posted stuff from the asexual tag (even like pride posts that contained the ace flag but not the aro flag), but that's not even what's in the tag anymore. The tag is successfully an aromantic-focused space now where aromantic people are getting policed for the slightest little personal post about their own personal experiences or a post not being 100% laser focused on non-ace aros. The policing needs to stop because we are causing people to fear posting aromantic content in case it's not some arbitrary standard of "aromantic enough", and that shouldn't be what we want. . It's been extremely hard and anxiety inducing for me to gather any thoughts at all regarding this subject because I've been scared of talking about it because I've been made to feel that acknowledging this equates to silencing and dismissing the problems and issues that non-ace aros face, which I absolutely don't want to do. I fully recognize that I don't experience all those same issues, and I have my own things to unlearn regarding supporting my fellow aros in a better and more educated manner. Multiple issues can coexist without us having to dismiss one to gain visibility for the other, though, and the fact that other people have been feeling the same way as me makes me sad that I've been avoiding talking about it.
  14. I think one thing the queer community in general has had a hard time separating and recognizing is the coexisting ideas of 1) different queer sexualities don't necessarily oppress each other and different queer genders don't necessarily oppress each other - ie, cis/het are the oppressive systems here, and 2) people can act crappily and with prejudice without specifically being an oppressor. Cis/heterosexism and cis/heteronormativity impact us in different ways, but that doesn't necessarily make us privileged over each other or oppressive towards each other as a result of that. (Of course being queer doesn't erase but in fact interplays with other factors like race, disability, weight, etc.) And I've definitely seen behaviors that make me feel that the aro and ace communities have fallen victim to this as well. I've sometimes been made to feel like I, as an aroace, made some specific and active choice to somehow oppress and erase alloaros and non-sam aros from aromanticism simply by the fact that I'm aroace (and that if I want to participate in aro spaces, then I need to disregard my asexuality). Which is decidedly untrue. The lack of visibility and acceptance for these aros is an issue for sure, but it's not one that I specifically created just by existing or being asexual and I shouldn't have to abandon my asexuality to be valid as aro or to have my aro experiences treated as accepted and valuable.
  15. Absolutely, yes! This! Sorry for the resounding silence. I, for one, am interested, but I just don't know how much I could really contribute. I've never done writing on wiki or even a wikia, so a lot of the formatting (from the minor amounts of edits I've participated in on wikia's) is overwhelming. As well, while I feel I could help write up and/or proofread sections, I don't think I could really provide the sources that wiki requires, so in the end, my participation could just end up creating more work on others! I think this is a great idea, and an aromantic page on wiki would be great, but I've been silent because I just don't think I have anything I can actually add to help the effort. =x
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