NotHeartless

me: damn he's cute

my self-doubt: must be a crush

me: lmao as if 

Went on a date with my gf who I still haven't come out as aro to... Not going too well, but I guess I'll get there

me: damn he's cute

my self-doubt: must be a crush

me: lmao as if 

Happy Valentines Day!!!! No matter who you are of how you celebrate it, I hope you all have a wonderful time doing what ever makes you happy ((((:

I also wish I could send y'all some of the brownies I made for my friends <33 Throughout all my time on this site I have been met with nothing but kindness and never have I felt unwelcome. Whenever I come on and see a message in my inbox, reaction to something I post, etc I get a warm feeling and it truly makes my day. It makes me very happy to know that I can actually help people and make a difference in not only mine, but their lives as well. So, from the bottom of my heart, Thank You ???????

Dont be afraid to message me about anything (or if you just want to say hi!). You can message me ethier on here, twitter, or discord. 

Twitter: https://twitter.com/Krispy_Vessel

Discord: Krispy Vessel#7756

Just last night, I mulled over what I’d like with people. An emotional bond. That’s it. Mutual trust. Mutual interest in each other. Mutual support. But without the ‘exclusiveness’. I figured I’d text one friend, be super honest and open and vulnerable, because they’re always like that, too in their social media. A wall of text I leave, and later coming out as aroace in a group chat. Yes. I felt really good that night.

Went to work super early, not enough sleep nor any breakfast. That negative cloud was creeping in. I knew my friend would be awake soon. And sure enough, their twitter is blowing up. But they’re nothing to do with my message. I was not in a good mood by the end of work. I’m throwing a self-pity party by myself at home, under the covers. It’s later tonight when I decide to delete that message and instead let her know I wrote ‘a bit much lol’. Turns out, she hadn’t been on that messenger app the entire day. 

Or she could’ve been lying and didn’t know what to say. 

All I know is: sometimes you’re just not a person someone wants to get close to. Whether that be because they have a partner or because they just don’t want to talk to you who fucking knows. 

I’m just so done with this shit guys. I’ve already had a meltdown before after one friend just disappeared from social media (but later messages me after I sent her a letter.) I understand that depression’s an asshole and makes you think no one wants you around. That no one will miss you, but holy fuck. I know they talk to their partners. Why not me? I really like these people and support them when I can and make conversation when I can but wow. And don’t even ‘they’re probably super busy’ me. Because I know they make time for their partners. 

I get it now. I’m just not a person they want to talk to. That’s it. No hard feelings. Nothing personal. I treat my cousin like this, too. She loves and adores me. Tells me a lot of things because she trusts me. But I don’t feel the same about her. I just don’t. I feel like an asshole because of that, but oh well.

So in a way, this is kind of like karma biting me in the ass lmao.

That’s all it is. Some people ‘click’. Some don’t. Some people don’t want to be open with anyone but their partner. I respect that.

But wow does it hurt. It really hurts. When did I become this fucking weak? Must be from all those close friendships I’d see and read about in fictional works. Haha. That’s all fantasy. We all know emotional bonds will not form platonically (being sarcastic.) Gods I feel horrible. Fuck me. I hate this part of myself so much. Just die. I want to kill this part. How do I kill this part of myself? Let me go back inside my head, back when my autistic ass didn’t even understand people had feelings. 

Just last night, I mulled over what I’d like with people. An emotional bond. That’s it. Mutual trust. Mutual interest in each other. Mutual support. But without the ‘exclusiveness’. I figured I’d text one friend, be super honest and open and vulnerable, because they’re always like that, too in their social media. A wall of text I leave, and later coming out as aroace in a group chat. Yes. I felt really good that night.

Went to work super early, not enough sleep nor any breakfast. That negative cloud was creeping in. I knew my friend would be awake soon. And sure enough, their twitter is blowing up. But they’re nothing to do with my message. I was not in a good mood by the end of work. I’m throwing a self-pity party by myself at home, under the covers. It’s later tonight when I decide to delete that message and instead let her know I wrote ‘a bit much lol’. Turns out, she hadn’t been on that messenger app the entire day. 

Or she could’ve been lying and didn’t know what to say. 

All I know is: sometimes you’re just not a person someone wants to get close to. Whether that be because they have a partner or because they just don’t want to talk to you who fucking knows. 

I’m just so done with this shit guys. I’ve already had a meltdown before after one friend just disappeared from social media (but later messages me after I sent her a letter.) I understand that depression’s an asshole and makes you think no one wants you around. That no one will miss you, but holy fuck. I know they talk to their partners. Why not me? I really like these people and support them when I can and make conversation when I can but wow. And don’t even ‘they’re probably super busy’ me. Because I know they make time for their partners. 

I get it now. I’m just not a person they want to talk to. That’s it. No hard feelings. Nothing personal. I treat my cousin like this, too. She loves and adores me. Tells me a lot of things because she trusts me. But I don’t feel the same about her. I just don’t. I feel like an asshole because of that, but oh well.

So in a way, this is kind of like karma biting me in the ass lmao.

That’s all it is. Some people ‘click’. Some don’t. Some people don’t want to be open with anyone but their partner. I respect that.

But wow does it hurt. It really hurts. When did I become this fucking weak? Must be from all those close friendships I’d see and read about in fictional works. Haha. That’s all fantasy. We all know emotional bonds will not form platonically (being sarcastic.) Gods I feel horrible. Fuck me. I hate this part of myself so much. Just die. I want to kill this part. How do I kill this part of myself? Let me go back inside my head, back when my autistic ass didn’t even understand people had feelings. 

Regarding "sad as an aro"...
I currently need to take care of old wounds. I met new people in my life, people I get along with great but I still need to think about the friendships I had which are now shattered to pieces.
I feel especially upset about two people, a guy and a girl. Both of them led me down though I don't want to picture myself as "perfect friend". I am not flawless and I can behave like an ass. But I still feel so betrayed and misunderstood.
For the girl, her relationship to her lover was way more important than me - though I knew her for years and stood by her side through thick and thin, through every heartbreak, through her depression and everything.
For the dude, even though we knew much about each other and had a few years together, he was damn selfish and his satisfaction of needs was the most important thing. Not me nor his own gf. He wasn't interested in me, I was only a tool.
Seriously guys, I don't fall in love but I feel like my love is scattered all over my friendships. New and old, bad and good. The memories hurt like hell at the moment, especially the memories of the girl. I probably behave like a drama king but I need to get this out because a) here are most likely people who understand me and b) I felt so numb the last weeks. Maybe this is one cause.
It hurts so much when you like/platonically love someone and they seem to don't give a fuck about you after all.
I have empathy and can understand many things, regarding human emotions. I understand when a friend falls in love and they want to spend much time with their lover. But there are boundaries, e.g. when I get abandoned after months and they never call me or if they do, they only want to talk about their relationship all the time.
At the same time I'm mad at the separation of lovers/friends. It causes so much grief and anger inside of me, at this very moment. Our society is so strange. And I feel so cold, lonely and separate from so many people.
I don't mind being alone but feeling a permanent gap between you and others because of amatonormativity is just...so...devastating. For me. I hate being so emotional. And they say aros don't have feelings or don't love anyone. Hahahaha...good one. I always hated my sensitivity (yeah I know, so much about self-love).
I empty my glass of whiskey and sign off, I'm sorry for this mess. Kind of.
At least I finally feel something right now and not only emptiness. If anyone can relate: you're welcome!

Regarding "sad as an aro"...
I currently need to take care of old wounds. I met new people in my life, people I get along with great but I still need to think about the friendships I had which are now shattered to pieces.
I feel especially upset about two people, a guy and a girl. Both of them led me down though I don't want to picture myself as "perfect friend". I am not flawless and I can behave like an ass. But I still feel so betrayed and misunderstood.
For the girl, her relationship to her lover was way more important than me - though I knew her for years and stood by her side through thick and thin, through every heartbreak, through her depression and everything.
For the dude, even though we knew much about each other and had a few years together, he was damn selfish and his satisfaction of needs was the most important thing. Not me nor his own gf. He wasn't interested in me, I was only a tool.
Seriously guys, I don't fall in love but I feel like my love is scattered all over my friendships. New and old, bad and good. The memories hurt like hell at the moment, especially the memories of the girl. I probably behave like a drama king but I need to get this out because a) here are most likely people who understand me and b) I felt so numb the last weeks. Maybe this is one cause.
It hurts so much when you like/platonically love someone and they seem to don't give a fuck about you after all.
I have empathy and can understand many things, regarding human emotions. I understand when a friend falls in love and they want to spend much time with their lover. But there are boundaries, e.g. when I get abandoned after months and they never call me or if they do, they only want to talk about their relationship all the time.
At the same time I'm mad at the separation of lovers/friends. It causes so much grief and anger inside of me, at this very moment. Our society is so strange. And I feel so cold, lonely and separate from so many people.
I don't mind being alone but feeling a permanent gap between you and others because of amatonormativity is just...so...devastating. For me. I hate being so emotional. And they say aros don't have feelings or don't love anyone. Hahahaha...good one. I always hated my sensitivity (yeah I know, so much about self-love).
I empty my glass of whiskey and sign off, I'm sorry for this mess. Kind of.
At least I finally feel something right now and not only emptiness. If anyone can relate: you're welcome!

Regarding "sad as an aro"...
I currently need to take care of old wounds. I met new people in my life, people I get along with great but I still need to think about the friendships I had which are now shattered to pieces.
I feel especially upset about two people, a guy and a girl. Both of them led me down though I don't want to picture myself as "perfect friend". I am not flawless and I can behave like an ass. But I still feel so betrayed and misunderstood.
For the girl, her relationship to her lover was way more important than me - though I knew her for years and stood by her side through thick and thin, through every heartbreak, through her depression and everything.
For the dude, even though we knew much about each other and had a few years together, he was damn selfish and his satisfaction of needs was the most important thing. Not me nor his own gf. He wasn't interested in me, I was only a tool.
Seriously guys, I don't fall in love but I feel like my love is scattered all over my friendships. New and old, bad and good. The memories hurt like hell at the moment, especially the memories of the girl. I probably behave like a drama king but I need to get this out because a) here are most likely people who understand me and b) I felt so numb the last weeks. Maybe this is one cause.
It hurts so much when you like/platonically love someone and they seem to don't give a fuck about you after all.
I have empathy and can understand many things, regarding human emotions. I understand when a friend falls in love and they want to spend much time with their lover. But there are boundaries, e.g. when I get abandoned after months and they never call me or if they do, they only want to talk about their relationship all the time.
At the same time I'm mad at the separation of lovers/friends. It causes so much grief and anger inside of me, at this very moment. Our society is so strange. And I feel so cold, lonely and separate from so many people.
I don't mind being alone but feeling a permanent gap between you and others because of amatonormativity is just...so...devastating. For me. I hate being so emotional. And they say aros don't have feelings or don't love anyone. Hahahaha...good one. I always hated my sensitivity (yeah I know, so much about self-love).
I empty my glass of whiskey and sign off, I'm sorry for this mess. Kind of.
At least I finally feel something right now and not only emptiness. If anyone can relate: you're welcome!

My school's library just put up a valentine's day display. I was really surprised (in a good way!) by what was on it.

It was talking about the different kinds of loves, and how romantic love is not the only one! I was so excited to see it acknowledge this, instead of continuing to push an amatonormative message.

i might be going to a seminar on platonic affection and love languages!  i just saw it on fb.  in the description they didn't mention aromanticism but they did mention amatonormativity; it sounds cool.

So I basically described feeling aromantic to my mom but didn't tell her I'm aromantic. I was like I wouldn't mind dating but I don't feel a need to I'm okay without dating and she was like yeah that makes sense but knowing her if I said I'm aromantic she would just tell me I have to wait for the right person and that I'm still young so it was an odd situation

Listening to breakup songs makes me happy.

I’ve noticed that the color green seems really appealing to me now lol. I wonder if it’s a subconscious thing because I’ve finally accepted my aro-ness. 

guess who has two thumbs and is back on arocalypse? this guy