aromantism, sex , and shame.

[Guest]

I hope this is the right place to post it 

 

Sex is always associate to romance. And sex without romance is seen as a disgusting thing. (that being said, some peoples also think sex itself is worth of shame, so)

 

I  want to ask : how do you deal with it. Sex shaming,  peoples insulting you… and internalized shame (if that's the right word for it).

 

 

[NullVector]

7 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

and internalized shame (if that's the right word for it).

I think I know what you mean and for me personally this is probably my biggest hang-up.

 

Like, I know intellectually that as long as I communicate intentions clearly to another consenting adult there really aren't any issues to my seeking mid-to-long-term sexual but non-romantic relationships.

 

But I still get this sense from somewhere (probably cultural 'programming') that this is somehow not okay. Like, one-night-stand would be acceptable but beyond that would be an emotionally exploitative 'stringing-along' of the other person. Again, intellectually, this does not seem defensible (an adult human choosing to remain in a relationship with me should be responsible for regulating their own emotional state and respecting the truth of what I have explicitly communicated to them going into the relationship vis-a-vis expectations). But I still can't shake this gut sense that I would be being exploitative somehow! 

 

If anyone has any psycho-therapeutic suggestions here, I'm all ears 

[Guest]

11 minutes ago, NullVector said:

Like, I know intellectually that as long as I communicate intentions clearly to another consenting adult there really aren't any issues to my seeking mid-to-long-term sexual but non-romantic relationships.

Yeah same, i really know it's not bad if i do it correctly.

 

11 minutes ago, NullVector said:

But I still get this sense from somewhere (probably cultural 'programming') that this is somehow not okay

I accuse peoples who repeat that it's disgusting ^^ And education too i guess.

[eatingcroutons]

On 7/12/2019 at 3:20 PM, Cristal Gris said:

And sex without romance is seen as a disgusting thing.

I was raised in an environment where this was never the case. Nobody ever told me consensual sex of any kind was shameful, and I know both of my parents had many other sexual partners before they got married. My school had a healthy sex education programme, and I found university to be a healthy and sex-positive environment. 

 

I'm afraid I can't offer much advice for breaking out of internalised shame about sex, other than to repeat the fact that there is nothing shameful about consensual sex of any kind. 

 

I honestly can't remember ever being insulted because I have casual sex. Maybe surrounding yourself with like-minded people is the answer? ?

[Guest]

48 minutes ago, eatingcroutons said:

I was raised in an environment where this was never the case. Nobody ever told me consensual sex of any kind was shameful, and I know both of my parents had many other sexual partners before they got married. My school had a healthy sex education programme, and I found university to be a healthy and sex-positive environment. 

 

I'm afraid I can't offer much advice for breaking out of internalised shame about sex, other than to repeat the fact that there is nothing shameful about consensual sex of any kind. 

 

I honestly can't remember ever being insulted because I have casual sex. Maybe surrounding yourself with like-minded people is the answer? ?

 

To tell you the truth, i never had a sex education ? Woops.

 

Maybe it's just me then. Guess i just had a bad luck with how peoples talk about it.

 

Also it's not like it's a major part of my life, but i suppose i was anxious.

 

And thanks for your answer ^^

[nonmerci]

I'll add that it is even worse if you're a woman. I never experience it myself, but I saw people writting that they won't mind their sons having sexe, but for their daughters it was a big no. It was more about one-night-stand though.

I don't have a lot to say, except that there is nothing shameful with sex between two consenting persons. Romantic feelings change nothing, sex is still sex with or without it. The only people who should feel shamefull are the ones who judges you for that.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, nonmerci said:

I'll add that it is even worse if you're a woman. I never experience it myself, but I saw people writting that they won't mind their sons having sexe, but for their daughters it was a big no. It was more about one-night-stand though.

I am not one, but i can be mistaken for one. And, well... we have a ton of insults directed at women in this context, sooo... i can believe it

 

1 hour ago, nonmerci said:

I don't have a lot to say, except that there is nothing shameful with sex between two consenting persons. Romantic feelings change nothing, sex is still sex with or without it. The only people who should feel shamefull are the ones who judges you for that.

Well, i can agree ^^

________

To be honest, its not a big part of my life, and peoples dont really bother me personnaly for it (because its not a subject i really talk about with peoples)

 

I just... feel like... at best this is unsaid and you can pick-up the hints, at worst peoples are trash about it. Maybe i am just too sensitive. 

 

 

[LBMango]

Sorry to possibly revitalize a mostly dead topic, but this has been on my mind a lot recently...

I'm recently coming to the conclusion that I'm aro, but not ace, and that makes me feel really weird. Like the culture (at least in the US, where I am) is very much not ok with that.

I kind of feel like my ideal relationship is either a FWB with emphasis on the F, or some sort of poly thing where I'm the secondary. Although, as has been described elsewhere aromantic polyamory is ... linguistically fraught if nothing else...  

 

But I have na idea how to achieve any of these things because the culture is so down on it... 

[aro_elise]

@LBMango i'm aro, heterosexual, and poly, too!  also more in theory than anything.  to address the questions, i actually have no problem with my orientations or with acting on my attraction, and anyone who has a problem with me can work it out on their own.  i do have a problem with the association of sex with romance and i feel like i'll pretty much always be apprehensive about sexual relations because of it--you know, the possibility of them being romantically attracted to me or whatever.  that's the only thing i'm worried about "dealing with".

[Mark]

On 9/10/2019 at 2:09 AM, LBMango said:

 Although, as has been described elsewhere aromantic polyamory is ... linguistically fraught if nothing else...  

Linguistically speaking there is no issue.
Nor is there with the original definition.

Quote

Polyamory means "loving more than one".  This love may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, or any combination thereof, according to the desires and agreements of the individuals involved, but you needn't wear yourself out trying to figure out ways to fit fondness for apple pie, or filial piety, or a passion for the Saint Paul Saints baseball club into it. "Polyamorous" is also used as a descriptive term by people who are open to more than one relationship even if they are not currently involved in more than one. (Heck, some are involved in less than one.)  Some people think the definition is a bit loose, but it's got to be fairly roomy to fit the wide range of poly arrangements out there.

Where the issues occur is that many polyamory groups are highly couple and romance centric.

 

On 9/10/2019 at 6:00 AM, aro_elise said:

i do have a problem with the association of sex with romance and i feel like i'll pretty much always be apprehensive about sexual relations because of it--you know, the possibility of them being romantically attracted to me or whatever.  that's the only thing i'm worried about "dealing with".

I think how to navigate societies where conflation of sex and romance is normative.
It's, ironically, something I think the ace community can do better....