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How have you changed and what's next?


Philbo Wiseroot
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In the last 342 days, I've bet we've all changed: everyone does.

 

I've discovered my sexual, romantic, and gender identities (and become slightly more cynical and assertive in certain ways as a result; and it has informed my research into LGBTQ+ people). I've also realised it's OK to walk away when things get too difficult or disrespectful, but also that it's fine to come back if it calms down. Also, I've started to embrace my weird and be happy with it, and actively defend against abuse (including bullying) as a result (which has also led to being a research assistant-come-author in one of my lecturer's research papers).

 

My thing to focus on in the next arbitrary rollover period (which is essentially when I can be bothered to put one of these up again) is to try not to compare myself to others (particularly my brother) so much. Mum pointed out to me the other day that I don't notice my little disabilities anymore (such as my flat feet and misaligned ankles, last check at -16 degrees out of alignment; the fact that my brain works so much faster than my mouth, giving me a stammer under pressure, or sometimes completely randomly; and my Raynaud's and whatever the opposite is, making being too hot or cold really hard) because I've learned to manage them, but they're still there. And because they're there I have to work that little bit harder to achieve the same result.

 

Anyway, what about you: in the last arbitrary period of your choosing, how have you changed? And what are you focusing on next?

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I've felt more liberated since I started finding out about aromanticism, and finding out there are a lot more people out there than I imagined who feel so similarly to me has been a relief. It's not that I desperately want a romantic relationship, but it's been mostly a case of "the guys I like aren't interested, the guys who like me don't interest me and if we both like each other, prepare for a train wreck..." or, as my friend puts it, "the chase is better than the catch, and maybe nobody's been worth catching yet".

 

I'm focussing on making a 'single life' plan for myself, but at the moment just thinking of ways to make a little extra money on the side - knitting "designer/arty farty" Christmas stockings in my spare time through the year to sell from November, and also possibly making a few comics/graphic novels at some point.

I'm getting really interested in the whole LGBT, aro/ace discourse stuff even though most of it doesn't really apply to me. I have kind of adopted labels but I'm exploring a lot of other stuff that kind of relates, and doesn't - trying to round my worldview a bit more, if that makes sense?

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

2016 was a collection of major changes in my life. I actually kept a journal for a change (normally I never do that sort of thing).

 

First off, at the beginning I gave up on friendship because I concluded that people just suck at it too much. Then I made peace with that and was actually oddly happy.

 

Something changed in my brain so that I no longer get overwhelmed by my emotions. This helps me to actually be able to think of things to say to people now. So I talk more now... and I decided to just let my weirdness show rather than be quiet and hide it.

 

Then I accidentally made a new friend and gave up on my giving up of friendship... lol. Then somewhere around the same time I figured out that I'm aromantic and probably also asexual. I found you lovely people. :arolove: I forgave my friends for being crappy friends because I concluded that they just can't help it... that's the way they are.

 

Somewhere around the same time I also figured out that gender is a nonsensical concept too, and that 'agender' seems to fit me more than 'woman' does... and that this explains a lot of my weird childhood moments.

 

I got over my fear of getting close to people with a SO of some sort (I had this fear of being seen as a threat to their relationship or something).

 

I learned a lot about LGBT+ stuff.

 

I experienced some really zen moments and managed to stop my brain from doing it's constant "thinking race" and just relax and experience the moment. I can do this kinda on purpose when I want to now. This has helped me fall asleep quicker as well. I also mostly get up in the morning now and don't stay up until dawn anymore.

 

Sooo... that's a lot of growth for one year. I probably haven't even figured out the results of all the changes yet...

 

For this year:

 

At the moment I'm considering letting my facial hair grow out... because it's pretty rare for people with female parts to even be able to grow any... and I kinda wanna see how people react. I feel like I'm happy enough with myself that I'll be able to handle whatever weird reactions I might get.

 

What I still need to work on is my fear of getting close to people. I'm afraid that they're going to abandon me at some point, usually without telling me anything beforehand.

 

I still want to figure out what causes me to find it so difficult to put my thoughts into words quickly enough to use them in conversations with all people except the most patient ones.

 

I also still have a weird anxiety about saying other people's names when they can hear me. Although I did manage to force myself to do it a couple of times.

 

On 11 December 2016 at 2:36 PM, Kai Pufflehugs IV said:

Hey, I also get that... or something similar anyway. When it's really cold, it doesn't seem to matter how warm the rest of me is, my hands and feet need external heating... unless the rest of me is literally overheating to the point where I start sweating.

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All right, here goes... I have a feeling that this post will definitely not explain everything. In 2016, I learned that kneejerk reactions are wrong. And yes, I really should`ve known that beforehand. I also learned I was aromantic and met tons of wonderful people, mostly on that other forum but I`m finding great people here too! :D:yespapo:

 

Anyway I`m not good at explaining everything I need to at once, so expect more posts. And quote me if you`re confused about anything. *waves*

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I came out to myself as trans last February. Now, I'm 8 months into testosterone therapy, almost 100% socially transitioned, legally got my name changed, and I've corrected my gender marker on most of my legal documents. 

 

My family recently improved their insurance too, so all of my surgical needs are covered. My top surgery is hopefully happening in May. :) 

 

I'd talk about my music stuff on the horizon, but I need to go practice for exactly that. :P 

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  • 2 weeks later...

A lot has happened in the last year of my life... I became an adult, I applied to college, I've lost some friends and made some new ones, I finished my last high school marching band season, and overall a lot of memories, good and bad, were made.

 

Most of all, I took a good hard look at the person I am and the life I've been living. And I've learned that if something really matters to you then you have to learn to see past the hardships and not throw in the towel just because things don't go your way.

 

A lot is going to happen this year; I will be graduating high school in a matter of months, I'll be leaving my current life behind and going to college far away from my friends and family. And the future is a scary thought, admittedly, and I have no idea what direction my life is going to take or what kind of person it is I'm becoming or that I want to become. I've spent an awful lot of time looking backward and reflecting, and now it's time to start looking forward and deciding just who it is I am and what I want.

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I've just changed my username, and I'd like to explain why. I feel I've turned a page in my life over the last few weeks. My account names tend to reflect how I see myself when I have them. My first (Reddit) account (CustardFactory_) was made at a time when I was more Ravenclaw than Hufflepuff; when I had a head full of trivia and I was careless with personal secrets. My second Reddit account, and first here (Pufflehugs04) was made at a time where I wanted to leave all that behind, so I chose a name that inspired me to think about the people I was with and give them support.

 

My current (and hopefully long-lived) username is one that I hope will inspire me to be a better brother ("Philbo" is what my brother calls me, and is also a nod to Bilbo Baggins, the man who gave up his comfortable life to help a band of strangers reclaim their home). But I also see it was a name that ties together together the Harry Potter and queer parts of my life (@Dodgypotato gave me the nicknake "wise root". They're also a massive Potterhead, so they, along with my Ravenclaw friend Alex, rekindled the magic for me).

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