i have an aphobic roomate

[dordor]

warning: aphobia, rejecting enby and gender fluid

as i have said before here, we have found 2 asexual in uni till now and everyone in our room seemed cool with that, no sassy comments or anything. so one day it slipped from my mouth that i am aroace, half an hour later one of them said these words to my face: "i don't think these things like gender fluid, non binary, asexual, etc are real" i was on the verge of tears then, i just put on headset and tried to not hear the rest of her sentence. 

i was fucking hurt, angry and frustrated at her but i didnt say a thing and tried my best not to bring out the topic at all. tonight everyone started to say each other flaws in a friendly way, i let myself make a comment about that. then things got bad and she denied saying anything like that, it wasn't the first time i have heard her saying things like that. she even  said she "supported this thing" alley my ass girl

so she got really angry at me and well i do admit i did over reacted a bit but it is a fucking delicate matter for me.

i apologized to her for my own behavior but she just didn't and left the room.

as i am me i apologized again to her through txt bc i don't want tension in the house, but she hasn't answered yet after an hour.

god why can's i keep my mouth shut.

[hemogoblin]

There is pretty much no way to overreact to someone denying your humanity and existence. I'm so sorry. I would definitely talk to an RA about switching rooms. Don't minimize to the RA how unsafe you feel with her. 

Edited November 13, 2023 by hemogoblin

[dordor]

I like my other roommates tho. Mybe she'll get better...

I don't know whether to make her understand my situation better or just never mention this again?! 

 

[hemogoblin]

You cannot make her understand or change (and she clearly has very little interest in doing so), but nor should you have to hide who you are. If your other roommates are cool, then just spend time with them and be frostily polite to the bigot but as distant as possible. Don't let her control your pride or your life. She's not worth that. You don't have to prescribe to an extreme here that she either becomes an ally or you have to hide in the closet. If one of your other roommates is particularly ally-ish, you could also talk to them and come up with a plan where they help keep her away from you.

I would still consider looping your RA in on what's happening and discussing options.

Edited November 14, 2023 by hemogoblin

[DeltaAro]

13 hours ago, dordor said:

I don't know whether to make her understand my situation better or just never mention this again?! 

I always wonder what people mean by "not real". Maybe ask her that.

Are holes 🕳️ real? On the one hand, holes are nothing. But they certainly feel all-too-real if I have them in my bicycle tire!

They probably mean that it's not a legitimate identity. But what again does that mean, exactly?

There are certainly very ... unusual identities around, like xenogenders, but if I think about it, I don't think anyone could give a good definition of "legitimate identity" or a criterion for it.

It's probably the assumption that somebody adopted an identity for the sole reason to feel special.

Anyway, you'll come across many people who feel similar. Even in queer spaces many believe nonbinary people aren't real. And even in nonbinary spaces, many believe xenogender people aren't real, and so on.

So I guess it's better to use that opportunity to learn how to handle this (because like it or not it's going to happen again), and not simply avoid her by switching room. But that's just my subjective opinion.

[dordor]

well i cant tell anyone about the aphobic roommate, bc well i live in iran and people just dont understand things like that, and it is not safe to put sth like this in public's hand.

i am finally feeling better after 2 days about this and can think properly(srs i have been a mess ) and i guess i am strong enough to deal with her, im not gonna go in closet(im gonna out my aro profile back for my telegram acc💃) but i guess i can handle not reminding her this a lot.

i am still going to make sassy comments and make puns about their romantic tendencies cause i just love making fun of them for their stupid behaviors around boys😂

 

5 minutes ago, DeltaAro said:

I always wonder what people mean by "not real". Maybe ask her that.

Are holes 🕳️ real? On the one hand, holes are nothing. But they certainly feel all-too-real if I have them in my bicycle tire!

They probably mean that it's not a legitimate identity. But what again does that mean, exactly?

There are certainly very ... unusual identities around, like xenogenders, but if I think about it, I don't think anyone could give a good definition of "legitimate identity" or a criterion for it.

It's probably the assumption that somebody adopted an identity for the sole reason to feel special.

Anyway, you'll come across many people who feel similar. Even in queer spaces many believe nonbinary people aren't real. And even in nonbinary spaces, many believe xenogender people aren't real, and so on.

So I guess it's better to use that opportunity to learn how to handle this (because like it or not it's going to happen again), and not simply avoid her by switching room. But that's just my subjective opinion.

omg i love your logic, i am definitely gonna use it somewhere, but i dont think i want to have that conversation with her, for my own mental health sake.

you're really right. and at the same time that they think our identities aren't real, i really can't believe that such opinions as theirs are real; therefore i guess we are kinda even🙄

you are also right, im gonna stand right where i am and am not gonna shy away from this. 

thanks for your support<3

[Holmbo]

I'm sorry you have experience that. It's not your responsibility to educate or help her understand. If you want to avoid to respond angrily to her (not that you're not allowed to but it seems you want to keep from fighting with her) you could use non violent communication methods. https://images.app.goo.gl/rb9Wx6AwiPPmXS4D7

It's not a guarantee she'll respond any better on that but at least you'll seem reasonable and sympathetic to your other roommates.

[AroAceDemon]

I have never dealt with an aphobe, but I would stay out of her way and talk to a therapist or an ally to help.

[hemogoblin]

On 11/14/2023 at 12:17 PM, dordor said:

well i cant tell anyone about the aphobic roommate, bc well i live in iran and people just dont understand things like that, and it is not safe to put sth like this in public's hand.

i am finally feeling better after 2 days about this and can think properly(srs i have been a mess ) and i guess i am strong enough to deal with her, im not gonna go in closet(im gonna out my aro profile back for my telegram acc💃) but i guess i can handle not reminding her this a lot.

Ah, gotchya! I'm sorry you don't really have any avenues for support. That really sucks.

Do whatever you need to stay safe - but please do your best not to internalize her hatred and ignorance. There is a difference in going back in the closet around one person in order to survive and letting one person dictate your entire level of outness and authenticity.

[dordor]

Thankd for your support, really. It's kind of enough for me to know there are people like you here to support and understand me❤

[nonmerci]

You had nothing to apologize for. Best thing to do is to interact with her as little as possible. If she is not making any effort why should you? She was the one in the wrong and she doesn't even take responsability for the things she says and thinks. You don't want to talk to a hypocrite person anyway. So do your life, be polite if she is in the room but don't engage with her more than necessary.

[dordor]

On 11/18/2023 at 12:47 PM, nonmerci said:

You had nothing to apologize for. Best thing to do is to interact with her as little as possible. If she is not making any effort why should you? She was the one in the wrong and she doesn't even take responsability for the things she says and thinks. You don't want to talk to a hypocrite person anyway. So do your life, be polite if she is in the room but don't engage with her more than necessary.

yeah that's exactly ive been doing these past days.

i have found of a group of my classmates involving another aroace person(I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE SEEN AN ACTUAL AROACE PERSON IN PERSON) and they are really welcoming, i even kinda came out to a couple of them( my phone wallpaper is literally aroace flag but seems like people rarely stuck their heads in others' phones!!) and they were freaking nice.

so i am spending most of the time at uni with them and when at dorm, i spend most of the time in the library studying; therefore i rarely have to see her.