Am I overreacting and annoying about this ?

[Dobby]

Hey there

So I'm starting to wonder if I am maybe overreacting and making a whole lot out of nothing. And I know that it annoys one of my friend and I'm worried she's starting to be fed up with me. 

So basically, a few days ago I suddenly felt the urge to put my phone away, to cut social networks, WiFi and everything (I only used my phone for the lamp). For some reason notifications, the news, all that was really stressing me out, and I just stopped suddenly everything for a while instead of being constantly triggered and panicked. It lasted about 3 days, and when I came back I saw texts from a friend saying the usual stuff but also in the middle of them, a text saying that she hoped I was ok and that she was worried. But the problem is maybe I tend to understand everything at face value, I'm bad at understanding what is implied, I just get what is strictly said. So for me she didn't ask if I was ok, she didn't ask why I was away (she just said that she hoped I was ok, which is not the same thing for me). But she knows that about me already. Anyway so I responded to her other texts without saying anything about being away, thinking that if she wants to know, she can just ask. So she asked and I explained everything, and then she seemed to be a bit mad because she asked me why I didn't explain that to her right away, why I ignored the fact that she said she was worried etc. As if I was the insensitive one ?? She's not reacting to the explanation I gave her (even if it shows a certain extent of bad mental state from me), she's not asking why I was feeling that way or if I'm better now, as a worried person would do imo. She's just making me feel bad about the fact I didn't tell her, and making me feel like I owe her an explanation, and that I ignored something she never asked for. Tbh it seems that she's upset about not being informed, not actually worried about me. 

And so when I responded to her text about why I didn't tell her earlier (basically she wanted me to explain everything straight when I "came back", without her asking for it), I maybe was a bit overreacting. I send maybe 10 texts to explain, because i feel like people never understand what I try to say, so I try to be as clear as possible. And maybe my texts weren't exactly neutral, because I felt hurt by her behaviour, so yes I wasn't explaining everything like a teacher would explain something, I was explaining it like a hurting person would. And now it's been a day and she's not responding. I don't know, maybe she's waiting for free time to respond, but I think she's annoyed. 

And for context, this friend is someone I used to talk to everyday like a looot, for about 3 years, but then she got into a relationship and got better in her life, and started to talk to me less. And when I asked her about that (about how and why the fact she's doing well and has a partner makes her almost stop talking to me, it wasn't logical at all for me), she said that talking to me that much helped her to distract herself from her negative thoughts back when she was severely depressed and also that she realised that she couldn't help me about my not-so-good mental health so she stopped trying to make it better, so she stop texting so much. And she made it sound like it was a normal thing to do but it made me so sad and broke my heart. And now I think I don't trust her as I used to. And I also feel like she's neglecting me in a way, it's probably not intentional, but the way she's been behaving towards me in recent months makes me feel like she doesn't respect me. Maybe I'm also over reacting and over thinking on this one ? But I can't see how you can treat like that someone you care for and you respect. I don't know about other people, but if I love and respect someone, I don't just take by myself the decision to reduce the lever of our relationship without informing the other one, and I don't make them feel annoying when they ask questions about it (she literally told me she was annoyed, some time ago). And if I love and respect someone, I asked them why they feel bad and is I can help, I don't ask them why I'm not informed about something I never asked for, as if they owe me an explanation. 

The truth is, months ago when things where different, I would probably have informed her right away about the fact I was away. But now, the way she behaved recently makes me feel like I don't owe her that anymore. And I always doubt whether she care about me or not, so I don't just assume that she does and act like it (I tend to wait for her to show me she does care before sharing anything).

So yeah, I don't know if I'm oversensitive about this, if I'm feeling neglected or unrespected when I shouldn't, or if maybe I'm just a bad and annoying friend who's making a lot about nothing and who's sending 20 texts in a row for nothing. I just don't know, I feel like I have the right to feel and act the way I do, but the fact she always acts like everything she's doing is perfectly normal, it makes me doubt about the validity of my feelings. So a third party in this could be really helpful.

I'm sorry it's that long, as always I tried to explain everything the best I could because I don't want to be misunderstood, but maybe here also people will read it and chose not to respond because it's too long haha. Anyway, thank you if you read this far, have a nice day <3

(And sorry if my english is not correct, I know it's not a valid excuse but it's not my 1st language haha)

 

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

Have you actually told her how you feel, or are you just doing the “if she really cares about me she’ll telepathically figure out what I want from her” thing? Like don’t get me wrong, I can see why you’re upset. But communication is key to a good relationship of any kind. If something’s bothering you about the way she treats you, tell her that. 

[Holmbo]

You're kinda contradicting yourself I feel like. On the one hand you're saying you don't feel you did anything wrong about going offline without notice. But then you're explaining that before you would have told her but now you don't want to because she hurt you. And you wanted her to discuss reducing contact but you don't feel you should be expected to inform her when you reduce contact with her.

I think if you usually talk/text to her regularly it would make sense to let her know you'll be offline. Unless you two have specifically agreed that you can go offline without warning.

But your hurt about her pulling away is a separate thing. Have you told her how you feel about that? And have you asked her how she feels about you?

Edited August 18, 2023 by Holmbo

[Guest]

Likely, the best thing for you to do is communicate to this person that you feel this way. If they do not respond or acknowledge you then it may be best to move on from the relationship. 

[Dobby]

Heeyy, thank you for your replies, it helped.

I see what you mean by saying I sound contradicting. I don't feel this way about it, because what I was trying to say is that I used to feel close enough to her to automatically let her know why I needed to be away (and to feel like I owe her the explanation), because she was one of the closest friend I had, so it used to feel natural to tell her this kind of things. But it's been more than a year since she took her distance, and now things are different. I still consider her my friend, but she decided by herself to lower our level of friendship, if that makes sense. And in the situation we are now, I don't consider absolutely having to inform her about everything anymore. And it's not just because she hurt me, I think it's more because she started to do it to begin with. Basically, before, we used to talk so often that I was worried if I didn't hear from her during 2 hours. Then, when she got in her relationship, she could spend many hours or a whole day without texting or responding to me, because (I quote) she was busy or enjoying the moment 100% or the relationship was a lot of dopamine in her brain and that she couldn't think about anything else so she forgot to text etc etc. And she did that many times, and I talked to her about it and how it made me feel bad and she apologized, then did it again, and I told her again etc. So I some point, I started to feel like if she acts like this all the time, maybe I don't have to explain myself when I act similarly. So yeah, that's why I said I don't feel like I did something wrong by not letting her know, I don't feel wrong because I feel like I'm just treating her the way she's been treating me for more than a year. It sounds childish when I say it like that, but the reality is that I feel like I tried my best to save things for a while, but now I'm tired and I'm starting to accept it, and I try to make it more balanced (by adjusting my way of seeing and acting according to hers).

So we didn't specifically agreed to not warn the other when we decided not to talk, but she started to do it a while ago, and after months of her doing it and me trying to adapt, this is the first time I do it, and she makes me feel like I'm a monster (I know that I was away 3 days while what she used to do was more around 1 day so that's different, but I'm not sure the problem here is the number of days) . Maybe there's something that I don't understand, something about this I can't see. That's why I explained my point of view to her, to have her point of vue, but she's not responding, so I posted it here, because I try to understand what is wrong with me, what makes her react like that.

 

And about the communication thing, I feel like I communicated a lot. I don't do it that much anymore because it looked really annoying to her and I don't want to loose my friend because I'm annoying. But from the start, from the moment I started to feel hurt about her distance and everything, I told her and I explained to her how I was feeling etc. She used to apologize sometimes, and the other times she used to say that some things change, people change, that it's part of life etc (which is probably true but hearing that from her as if she wasn't the cause of it was a bit painful). And basically, in the yesterday texts she didn't replied to, I talked about my feelings to, about how what she just did that made me feel shitty etc. So I don't think it's a communication issue from my side (or I'm over communicating maybe)

And so some weeks ago we talked about that (how I felt about us etc), and I saw she was annoyed (she said it), so I said that I will try not to talk about that (=my feelings about the decline of our friendship) that much anymore, and she said ok. So I was trying not to talk about that, but yesterday she told me the thing I talked about in my first post. And I think she didn't mean to make me feel bad about myself and make me feel like I did something wrong, that's why I tried to explain my point of view. And I expected her to explain hers because I want to understand what I did wrong there, or what makes her feel like I did something wrong, but she's still not responding and I'm starting to panick. And I don't quite understand why she's mad or why she's not responding, that's why I'm asking you if there's something that I did that was wrong even if I can't see it. I don't know, maybe I should just apologize and tell her to forget about what I said (but a part of my brain tells me it's not a really healthy way of sorting out the situation). But I guess I don't want to lose her for "silly" things (that don't feel silly at all for me but maybe it is), so I'm considering it. Aaaaaaaa I don't know (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

????? Sounds like a bad friendship then. You should break up with her. 

[Guest]

I understand what you’re saying and based on what you’ve said, I don’t think you have done anything wrong. It sounds like you’re the one making the effort to try and communicate and her silence is somewhat immature. I think that she is already one foot out of your friendship and maybe if your friendship ended it would be because of that and not necessarily over “silly things”. 

[Holmbo]

@Dobbythanks for explaining. It makes more sense to me now. It sounds like you feel you've tried to communicate with her about your relationship and she's just not open to that. I understand why you feel her reaction is not based on care, it can happen sometime that people overreact to things to have an excuse to pull away from the relationship.

[Dobby]

Thank you for the replies !!

Little update, this morning she was still not responding, so I said that I was sorry if I said something harmful, and that I was just trying to explain how I understood the situation and explain to her that it wasn't clear for me that she wanted to know what I was away.

So she responded that she was mad, that's why she didn't replied for 2 days. And she said she felt like I was taking her for a fool by saying it wasn't clear for me that she wanted to know, that it was really clear she wanted to know because she said she was worried. And she said that I was probably pretending I didn't understand that because I wanted her to feel guilty, and that if I need that much attention from her I need to ask it clearly instead of saying that she wasn't clear with me.

And I responded by explaining (again) that I didn't understand that she wanted to know because it just wasn't clear to me (like if a blind person bump into you and say that they haven't seen her, is she going to think their taking her for a fool ? I don't think so). I just didn't understand what she wanted, that's why I didn't explain it right away. And so I told her that apparently she's not the fool one here, I am, if it was so obvious that she wanted to know the reason and I couldn't understand it. 

And she just replied (maybe 10h ago) that she doesn't know what to reply, and that she will see later.

 

I don't know why she's still mad, even now that she knows I didn't do it on purpose to make her feel bad, it's just that I didn't understand. I don't know how it will end, but I hope she will tell me why she's that mad at me. I understand that she could be mad at first, because she seemed the think that I was pretending and everything. But I explained that it wasn't the case, so why is she still mad and still not really replying ? Maybe she thinks I'm lying to her ?? Idk but I never lied to her before

Anyway I'm waiting now

 

But as time passes, I feel like I don't want to make new friends. And don't want to be let down and then feel shitty for a reason I ignore because of someone. Sometimes I feel like people see friends as disposable and it's not worthy to fight for them. I think I have a too high esteem for friendship, but I never met someone for whom it was the same, so I might as well stay forever friendless (and single). I'll just adopt a dog

[Guest]

I am sorry that you are going through this with your friend. Based on what you’ve said, it sounds like she is overreacting some. It may take some time for her to understand and see your side a little bit more but I understand your frustration. Also I agree with what you are saying about people think friendships are disposable and sort of temporary but there are some people who value their friendships a ton. I hope you are able to find some people who value friendship as much as you. I also think the best friend that anyone can have is an animal (especially a dog). 

[Dobby]

Thank you @Aether ! Yeah I hope that at some point she will understand a bit better my side, or at least that she will explain why she's mad at this point. Still no news about that, same silence for the last 3 days. Maybe she's doing it on purpose to do to me what I did to her in a way, some kind of revenge. I don't know but I'm sad. Anyways 

About what you said about friendship, I used to hope that I would find someone like that too, but I try not to hope too much because it's been a while and I don't want to wait for something that might never come haha. But we never know I guess

I wish dogs could live longer tho

[Guest]

I hope things work out for you and your friend but I think the way she is handling the situation is immature. I hope you are able to find some friends worth keeping and who value you by you but I understand not wanting to have false hope about that. And I also wish that dogs could live longer.