Before you knew you were aro, did you confuse deep platonic attraction for romantic attraction?

[Candide]

I’m 28 and thought I was alloromantic my entire life, and only recently did I realize I’m aromantic. I’ve been looking back at my relationship history, and I’ve been realizing that each person had to check very specific boxes with me — and every single one — in order for me to even consider them being in a relationship with me. But I’m a very sexual being by nature, so if I was attracted to them enough physically, and they checked off enough boxes as a person, then I’d immediately rush into a relationship. A lot of my relationships ended from me ending things as politely as I could due to suddenly not feeling the “chase” anymore. I’m married now and have been with my husband for almost four years, and he’s my soulmate, but it feels like everyone I’ve ever dated, the boxes I was looking to get checked were his boxes, if that makes sense. Like the whole time, I was looking for him. But truly, I don’t really understand how people “date around,” I’ve always dated people to eventually marry them. I don’t see much of a point in a relationship otherwise, and people who stay in romantic relationships who have enough freedom to leave but don’t confuse the hell out of me. Has anyone else dated a bunch of people, only to realize you were probably actually just making friends with them, and then once things got too romantic on their side, whether you were actually conscious of it or not, you floundered?

[nonmerci]

I don't feel deep platonic attraction so no, but from what I've seen it is pretty common.

And yeah the marriage thing, when I thought I was aro my criteria was "is he husband material" and my criteria for that was "is he good father matterial".

[illumi]

i can differentiate diff attractions easily due to how straightforward my feelings r. idk if i used to feel attraction but i claimed that i experience platonic; alterous and aesthetic attraction before. rn im anattractional meaning that i dont experience any types of attraction so it doesnt matter anymore

[HelloThere]

3 hours ago, LIVI0 said:

i can differentiate diff attractions easily due to how straightforward my feelings r. idk if i used to feel attraction but i claimed that i experience platonic; alterous and aesthetic attraction before. rn im anattractional meaning that i dont experience any types of attraction so it doesnt matter anymore

You're able to differentiate? I've been debating with myself for weeks over people that I have any positive feelings towards and wondering if that's romance. XD

Literally the only thing keeping me sane has been seeing what other people view crushes as and comparing. NO ONE fits the criteria.

[illumi]

1 hour ago, HelloThere said:

You're able to differentiate? I've been debating with myself for weeks over people that I have any positive feelings towards and wondering if that's romance. XD

Literally the only thing keeping me sane has been seeing what other people view crushes as and comparing. NO ONE fits the criteria.

ik very well that i dont experience romantic nor sexual attraction before lately discovering im anattractional so the baseline is simple; when i experience attraction its mild and nothing like how ppl would describe romantic & sexual attraction. for me; aesthetic is 'this person is so pretty'; platonic is 'i want to be close friends and talk more' and alterous is 'i simply want to be close. there is no clear goal in mind' while being mildly drawn to the individuals im attracted to

in my entire life i never once thought of 'i want to be in a romantic relationship w them' or 'i want to sexually engage w them'. so that made everything way easier

[HelloThere]

37 minutes ago, LIVI0 said:

ik very well that i dont experience romantic nor sexual attraction before lately discovering im anattractional so the baseline is simple; when i experience attraction its mild and nothing like how ppl would describe romantic & sexual attraction. for me; aesthetic is 'this person is so pretty'; platonic is 'i want to be close friends and talk more' and alterous is 'i simply want to be close. there is no clear goal in mind' while being mildly drawn to the individuals im attracted to

in my entire life i never once thought of 'i want to be in a romantic relationship w them' or 'i want to sexually engage w them'. so that made everything way easier

Ok that post actually helped a lot. I thought that platonic or aesthetic just HAD to be really strong. I never thought a mild desire to be friends was platonic, I thought that's just well... friends. Yeah the only things I've felt are aesthetic or platonic but acting on things just sounds kinda not like me. I mean relationships sound cool but I would live fine without one, not to mention that the commitment sounds exhausting and I just don't want one. I'm still trying to drive the societal stereotype of "if you enjoy someone of a different gender than it's absolutely love" out of my mind, it's incredibly frustrating because it just keeps messing with my ability to logically think things through. 15 years of being told that romance is the only thing you need really takes a toll on ones logic.

Edited May 24, 2023 by HelloThere

[illumi]

33 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

Ok that post actually helped a lot. I thought that platonic or aesthetic just HAD to be really strong. I never thought a mild desire to be friends was platonic, I thought that's just well... friends.

tbf i defined those past experiences as attraction bc the feeling of being drawn toward ppl is consistent; im always aware of it despite it being fairly mild. it also helped me differentiating between attachment & attraction since to me attachment is more subconscious; feeling slightly dependent on ppl bc i have subconsciously accepted them as a natural & necessary part of my life but im not often aware of it. while attraction is just like i described earlier; consistent and mostly conscious

im good at analyzing this type of stuff for the most part; esp of myself

[edit. u should check out the prefix caligo in terms of orientation; it describes how my attraction felt perfectly. tho ofc rn i dont feel any anymore]

Edited May 24, 2023 by LIVI0

[HelloThere]

Just now, LIVI0 said:

tbf i defined those past experiences as attraction bc the feeling of being drawn toward ppl is consistent; im always aware of it despite it being fairly mild. it also helped me differentiating between attachment & attraction since to me attachment is more subconscious; feeling slightly dependent on ppl bc i have subconsciously accepted them as a natural & necessary part of my life but im not often aware of it. while attraction is just like i described earlier; consistent and mostly conscious

im good at analyzing this type of stuff for the most part; esp of myself

Wow, I confuse attachment to people for attraction, and I confuse platonic and aesthetic attraction for romance. My brain is just batting 1000 today. XD

1 minute ago, LIVI0 said:

tbf i defined those past experiences as attraction bc the feeling of being drawn toward ppl is consistent; im always aware of it despite it being fairly mild. it also helped me differentiating between attachment & attraction since to me attachment is more subconscious; feeling slightly dependent on ppl bc i have subconsciously accepted them as a natural & necessary part of my life but im not often aware of it. while attraction is just like i described earlier; consistent and mostly conscious

im good at analyzing this type of stuff for the most part; esp of myself

Though I kinda envy you, you can get to the deepest parts of yourself and analyze what's going on. It takes literal days of obsessive thought for me to even be sure if I have a crush or not. 😅 

[illumi]

Just now, HelloThere said:

Wow, I confuse attachment to people for attraction, and I confuse platonic and aesthetic attraction for romance. My brain is just batting 1000 today. XD

gl figuring that out. i told u what ik. i also edited that post and linked smth u might want to read abt since its a term for describing weak/mild attraction; idt u will need it; just educational purposes 

[HelloThere]

1 minute ago, LIVI0 said:

gl figuring that out. i told u what ik. i also edited that post and linked smth u might want to read abt since its a term for describing weak/mild attraction; idt u will need it; just educational purposes 

Thanks a lot! Ill check it out once I get out of school, it blocks most lgbtqia+ stuff but apparently arocalypse and aven are OK. XD

[Candide]

1 hour ago, LIVI0 said:

ik very well that i dont experience romantic nor sexual attraction before lately discovering im anattractional so the baseline is simple; when i experience attraction its mild and nothing like how ppl would describe romantic & sexual attraction. for me; aesthetic is 'this person is so pretty'; platonic is 'i want to be close friends and talk more' and alterous is 'i simply want to be close. there is no clear goal in mind' while being mildly drawn to the individuals im attracted to

in my entire life i never once thought of 'i want to be in a romantic relationship w them' or 'i want to sexually engage w them'. so that made everything way easier

I feel aesthetic attraction mostly, then sexual attraction, then I think platonic attraction. Most of the people I’m attracted to are sensual attractions. I’m a photographer, so it’s like, people that catch my eye and would look great in photos are who I’m aesthetically attracted to. But there aren’t many of them that I would have sex with, and none of them I would date. 

 

Thank you for your replies by the way, everyone, they’re a big help :’)

1 hour ago, HelloThere said:

Ok that post actually helped a lot. I thought that platonic or aesthetic just HAD to be really strong. I never thought a mild desire to be friends was platonic, I thought that's just well... friends. Yeah the only things I've felt are aesthetic or platonic but acting on things just sounds kinda not like me. I mean relationships sound cool but I would live fine without one, not to mention that the commitment sounds exhausting and I just don't want one. I'm still trying to drive the societal stereotype of "if you enjoy someone of a different gender than it's absolutely love" out of my mind, it's incredibly frustrating because it just keeps messing with my ability to logically think things through. 15 years of being told that romance is the only thing you need really takes a toll on ones logic.

Ah, I’m glad my post and the replies on it ended up helping you! Seems like we’re in a similar boat of figuring ourselves out haha

[HelloThere]

9 minutes ago, Candide said:

I feel aesthetic attraction mostly, then sexual attraction, then I think platonic attraction. Most of the people I’m attracted to are sensual attractions. I’m a photographer, so it’s like, people that catch my eye and would look great in photos are who I’m aesthetically attracted to. But there aren’t many of them that I would have sex with, and none of them I would date. 

 

Thank you for your replies by the way, everyone, they’re a big help :’)

Ah, I’m glad my post and the replies on it ended up helping you! Seems like we’re in a similar boat of figuring ourselves out haha

Yeah, I mean I'm more confident when I'm in the community but the longer I'm outside it the more my brain tries to wave all my emotions off. I just LOVE fighting with myself it's the BEST! :D

[Balfrog]

I think mine were platonic+ for the most part. The ones I remember were platonic and sensual and\or sexual. The longest of these was a bit over a year and ended because I felt like we stopped getting closer as friends soon after I asked them out, and that my major stress response is freeze. I only have one exception I remember to that and it was the first person I was aesthetically attracted to. I think this was because of the love at first sight stuff? They're agender and aroace and eventually our friendship started what eventually led me onto this forum.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

I feel like the times I labeled myself as "having a crush" on someone was me experiencing alterous attraction, with some sensual attraction thrown in as well. Like, I would want to get very close with them and be around them and have a stronger relationship with them, but not once did I ever label any of it as "romantic" (though I did this unconsciously). Which is odd, since I would label them as "crushes" but not even think that that was romantic?

[HelloThere]

3 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

I feel like the times I labeled myself as "having a crush" on someone was me experiencing alterous attraction, with some sensual attraction thrown in as well. Like, I would want to get very close with them and be around them and have a stronger relationship with them, but not once did I ever label any of it as "romantic" (though I did this unconsciously). Which is odd, since I would label them as "crushes" but not even think that that was romantic?

In a way I can relate, I think I’ve experienced alterous attraction a couple of times but the actual romantic aspect wasn’t there.