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sad aro kinda needs an advice


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it's a long post and i might express some thoughts that can be triggering, i'm sorry for that.

so, i came out as aro to my friends two years ago. i realised my aromanticism when my ex best friend confessed her feelings to me and it caused so much anxiety. sorry if i sound hard-hearted but i simply couldn't understand what she wants from me, our relationship was de facto queerplatonic so we were tactile with each other and generally society often mistakenly saw us as a couple. ughhh its not even the point of my post so just keep in mind how shitty this situation felt.

now two years have passed. it seemed to me that i would never get into such a situation again, all my close people know that i am aro, what can possibly go wrong. and yesterday another best friend of mine confessed. he is fully aware that i'm aro and he hopes that we can build "pseudo romantic relationship with kisses and stuff". 

with him i discussed earlier that i realise that some day i will have to force myself into a conventional relationship. i mean, sorry if it sounds triggering, but i live in russia and if i want my family to have my back - than i need at least to try to fit in. i told him how nice would be to find another aro person with whom i could build a "conventionally good looking" family and feel comfortable at the same time. 

now he's telling me that he wants to be my first "pseudo-romantic-relationship with-kisses-and-stuff" experience. but it just feels so wrong to me. dude has real damn feelings for me and i'm aro... 

i don't really know what to do. probably i need to reject his offer? (or should i really see this as an opportunity to test drive romantic bullshit?)

ughhh i just really wanted to describe my situation to people who can possibly understand me. thanks for reading and sorry for mistakes in my text.

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What he is describing sounds like he wants an actual romantic relationship, one where you are supposed to carry out romantic acts for his benefit and the benefit of your parents. If it feels wrong to you, then it is wrong for you. It could also be wrong for him, when he comes to realize that his feelings aren't returned it could cause him a lot of unhappiness and hurt feelings. Romantically-inclined people don't always fully realize what we mean when we say we are aromantic. They get the idea that we can still do the romantic stuff for them, and don't realize these things can be upsetting for us and the performance will never be fulfilling for anyone.

You said you expect to have to enter a conventional relationship one day, but is that day today? Even if you do enter a relationship one day, it doesn't have to be with him.

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Aside from acting as a beard, has he said anything about what you would get out of this relationship? Or does he just want you to perform something you don’t experience, for the sake of his own desires? Frankly, I think if you really love someone you should love them for who they are, not how they could pretend to be what you’d like them to be. I don’t think this is a good idea. Maybe with someone else it would work out fine, but this guy sounds pretty selfish. 

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