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Entering Mixed Aro/Romo Relationships?


omitef
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Has anyone ever tried a mixed Aro/Romo relationship? Asking because I'm alterously attracted towards a romantic person who either has a squish or crush on me (can't tell which), and I'm not sure whether I should attempt a romantic relationship with her.

 

Background if you're interested in offering specific advice (not necessary):

Spoiler

I'm lithromantic, and generally romance-repulsed. Usually, I feel icky when I get crushes on people who either like me back, or have the potential for liking me back. I normally don't pursue romantic relationships with my crushes, because of my romance-repulsion. In every past attempted relationship, I've felt trapped and anxious, hurting both myself and my partners. The last thing I'd want to do is promise someone happiness through a romantic relationship, but end up being unable to follow through due to my potential romance repulsion.

 

But recently, I've found someone that I think I'm willing to try a romantic relationship with. Right now, this person and I have an emotionally intimate friendship, which we both enjoy. I have feelings for her that swing between platonic and romantic. There are times when I feel like I have a squish on her, and there are times when I feel like I have a crush on her. But during the "crush" phases, I don't feel repulsed, because I'm 99% convinced that she can't also have a crush on me, due to our tumultuous history (we've since made up, and the conflicts mentioned in the linked thread have been resolved). 

 

Except recently, there are things she's said and done, that make me wonder if there actually is a possibility she might have a crush on me. She told me, for reasons she doesn't know, she gets nervous every time she sees me, but calms down after we talk for a couple minutes, and that the nervousness isn't because I'm a person she's had serious conflict with. When we talk, she's more playful, and is constantly bringing up little details that I've mentioned to her, even though the conversation doesn't make it necessary for her to bring up those details.  Yesterday when we met to hang out, I caught her staring at me and she didn't look away. 

 

Sometimes, thinking about the possibility that she might have a crush on me makes me anxious. I worry that I'm just reading too much into things, and she doesn't have a crush on me--if I asked her out at this point, it could cause serious tension in our friendship--especially because she blatantly rejected me last year. But I worry that if she does have a crush on me, and I let the friendship continue as it is, I'd be missing out on an opportunity to make her happier by not entering into a romantic relationship with her. At the same time, I worry about potentially feeling trapped in a relationship with her. If my current lack of romance repulsion is built on the conviction that there's a high chance she wouldn't be romantically attracted to me, what's going to happen if that "high chance" turns out to be zero?  

 

Thanks!

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1 hour ago, omitef said:

this person and I have an emotionally intimate friendship, which we both enjoy.

 

1 hour ago, omitef said:

She told me, for reasons she doesn't know, she gets nervous every time she sees me, but calms down after we talk for a couple minutes

 

My train of thought is... if the two of you are already able to talk about feelings and stuff, why not just ask her for her thoughts on the matter instead of doing potentially risky things like asking her out? I mean, after all the weird stuff you've already been through with her... it doesn't really seem that weird in comparison, at least not to me as an internet stranger. :P

 

1 hour ago, omitef said:

Has anyone ever tried a mixed Aro/Romo relationship?

 

I have not actually tried anything like this though...

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4 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

My train of thought is... if the two of you are already able to talk about feelings and stuff, why not just ask her for her thoughts on the matter instead of doing potentially risky things like asking her out? I mean, after all the weird stuff you've already been through with her... it doesn't really seem that weird in comparison, at least not to me as an internet stranger. :P

 

I guess to me it just seems weird, because I feel like it would be too egotistical and self-entitled to ask, "Hey, do you like me?" given our history.

 

4 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

 I have not actually tried anything like this though...

 

You mean, you haven't been in a mixed aro/romo relationship before, or you haven't been in a mixed aro/romo relationship with someone you're alterously attracted to?

 

 

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17 hours ago, omitef said:

You mean, you haven't been in a mixed aro/romo relationship before, or you haven't been in a mixed aro/romo relationship with someone you're alterously attracted to?

Well, I suppose I have been in a few aro/romo relationships, but that was before I knew I was aro, so ... does it count? They didn't go very well I suppose, and the only reason I got in them was because the other people told me they like me, and I just went along with it because it seemed like a good idea at the time. I can't really guess if people like me romantically unless they either just tell me or make it blatantly obvious somehow. Even if they show all the signs, I'm probably more likely to think they're just joking around... I mean, I've looked up all the typical "signs they're interested in you" kind of body language articles and whatever, and even if I spot the signs, I still don't want to assume that's what's really going on. I hate making assumptions, and I'm terrible at it anyway. :P That's why the only thing I can recommend is the direct question approach...

 

I definitely haven't been in a relationship with anyone I'm alterously attracted to, though... not even sure if I've ever been alterously attracted to anyone at all.

 

17 hours ago, omitef said:

I guess to me it just seems weird, because I feel like it would be too egotistical and self-entitled to ask, "Hey, do you like me?" given our history.

That makes sense. Maybe there are more indirect questions you could ask that would still give you the information you need... though I can't think of any at the moment. Hypothetical questions perhaps?

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9 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

Well, I suppose I have been in a few aro/romo relationships, but that was before I knew I was aro, so ... does it count? They didn't go very well I suppose, and the only reason I got in them was because the other people told me they like me, and I just went along with it because it seemed like a good idea at the time. I can't really guess if people like me romantically unless they either just tell me or make it blatantly obvious somehow. Even if they show all the signs, I'm probably more likely to think they're just joking around... I mean, I've looked up all the typical "signs they're interested in you" kind of body language articles and whatever, and even if I spot the signs, I still don't want to assume that's what's really going on. I hate making assumptions, and I'm terrible at it anyway. :P That's why the only thing I can recommend is the direct question approach...

 

I'm the same--I've only been in relationships prior to knowing I was lith, which is exactly why they were going terribly. I also got into relationships because other people told me they liked me, though I liked them all at one point before entering the relationships. Also, my romance radar is awful for people who aren't cis men. Cis men tend to be, uh, rather aggressive and blatant in their advances...

 

9 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

That makes sense. Maybe there are more indirect questions you could ask that would still give you the information you need... though I can't think of any at the moment. Hypothetical questions perhaps?

 

I actually just figured out a way I can ask her, indirectly. Thanks!

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As an out aro I have made one attempt so far but romance wasn't on at all because of me...it did not end well, she is convinced that I was just playing with her.

 

But. I think it could work if the romo person is willing to listen to you and doesn't want to "fix you" or coerce you into something you don't want. If they fully aware what they can get from you and out of your relationship and they are content with it then why not? If they are happy with a one sided relationship and you can trust them not to trigger your romance repulsion then it's a win-win.

 

@omitef That is what lith/stone butch used to mean. A person who is somewhere on the spectrum A who was dating a wlw woman... It used to be associated with sexual orientation only but that was the original concept.

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49 minutes ago, Cassiopeia said:

I think it could work if the romo person is willing to listen to you and doesn't want to "fix you" or coerce you into something you don't want. If they fully aware what they can get from you and out of your relationship and they are content with it then why not? If they are happy with a one sided relationship and you can trust them not to trigger your romance repulsion then it's a win-win.

I suspect that a fair proportion of allo-romantics are capable of having non-romantic relationships (some even being happy without romance).

Problem is a culture which tells everyone that only romantic relationships matter...

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