aro thoughts on other people’s relationships

[EternallyTBD]

I have two friends who just started unofficially dating which is great because they are both amazing and if they didn’t the levels of pining may have driven everyone insane. When I looked at them together and saw the level of emotional intimacy that you could practically see between them, though, I got a weird mix of feeling happy for them and at the same time a bit sad because I know I’ll never have that specific kind of relationship. Is that just me?

Edited January 24, 2023 by EternallyTBD

[illumi]

i can feel this rarely. my friends around me dont get into romantic relationships bc the majority of them are aroace but i do envy the intimacy ppl have on a romantic level. which is why i wished for a closer friend whom i can have the same amount of intimacy for but still remaining as friends; aka a qar. im romance indifferent and averse sometimes so once in a while i wish i have that emotional closeness and the next i go eww kissing so thats basically it for me

[Collie]

Mostly I'm just like "why tho?" While also wanting to be happy for them. In a rare case, I'm just a tad bit jealous of the attention my friend is giving their s/o.

[hemogoblin]

Other people in relationships don't really trigger it, but I do sometimes lament the fact that there are no "adult milestones" for me to be able to meet in an amatonormative society. Not gonna get married, don't want kids, don't have a career... It's very easy to feel 'left behind'.

[Neon]

1 hour ago, hemogoblin said:

I do sometimes lament the fact that there are no "adult milestones" for me to be able to meet in an amatonormative society

This. There's a concept called the "social clock" and it's milestones that you are supposed to hit around certain times. A big one is marriage, and even before I knew I was aro, I knew I didn't want that. But I assumed it would happen, whether I liked it or not. And it's a strange feeling. Because accepting I was aro lifted the weight of that expectation off my chest. But not the expectation of the expectation.

[hemogoblin]

17 hours ago, Neon said:

This. There's a concept called the "social clock" and it's milestones that you are supposed to hit around certain times. A big one is marriage, and even before I knew I was aro, I knew I didn't want that. But I assumed it would happen, whether I liked it or not. And it's a strange feeling. Because accepting I was aro lifted the weight of that expectation off my chest. But not the expectation of the expectation.

The expectation of expectation! THANK YOU for perfectly articulating this. 🐸

[Ghostflower]

I experience this feeling depending on the friend who starts dating.  With my closest friends, I feel an unwelcome twinge of jealousy, founded on the fear that our friendship will diminish now that they have a romantic relationship.  That’s happened to me in the past, and no matter how understanding my friend seems to be about my aromanticism, I fear that they cannot resist the siren song of amatonormativity…

Seeing my closest friends add their romantic partner’s name to their social media page besides a little heart, for example, makes my chest ache with both frustration and jealousy, because first of all, why do people only do that for romantic relationships?  Why is that the only relationship they feel the need to spotlight for the random people visiting their blog?  And secondly, it reminds me that, if this is a hallmark of romantic relationships, then I will never have someone who prioritizes and uplifts me that way.  

I know that I could find this level of commitment with other a-spec people, and there are definitely people out there who share my valuation of non-romantic relationships and who don’t plan to start a romance of their own.  But I can’t change the fact that some of my close friends are allo and want romance in their lives, and it makes me feel insecure that they might “leave me behind,” intentionally or otherwise.  

To use a silly analogy, I feel like Spongebob in the episode “Grandma’s Kisses.” He watches his grandmother shower Patrick with cookies and plushies and picture books, while she insists on treating him like an adult, and he’s like, “But /I/ would enjoy those things for kids, too…” Similarly, I want the closeness and dedication that romance entails, but I don’t think that I experience romantic attraction very much, if it all.  I get a lot of joy and fulfillment out of my friendships and don’t feel the need to change them—until a romantic relationship rises to the surface and I fear that I’ll never be able to compete and that I might lose the things I love about my friendship.

Overall, seeing friends begin to date activates my fear that I will be “left behind,” and it reminds me that it can be difficult for a-spec people to get the same level of commitment and recognition, especially with their alloromantic friends.  

I do NOT experience this jealousy with my friends who have sexual relationships, though; I think this is because romance still confuses me, and the line between friendship and romance often seems muddled.  I want the rewards of romance (the social recognition, the association of my name with someone else’s, the comfort that someone will be at my side as we go through this scary thing called life together), but I don’t feel the need to initiate anything until it’s “too late” and I sense a close friend pulling away from me and closer to their “actual” partner.

[Lovebird]

I don't care because frankly I think people should have the right to privacy and do whatever. I don't ask about peoples relationships unless they actually so and that's how I think it should be.