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I just discovered that I'm aromantic, how do I tell my partner?

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I've been wondering if I was aromantic for a while but recently I've been questioning even more and after more research I've realized that I definitely am. I've always had a hard time telling the difference between platonic and romantic feelings, and in all my relationships after getting seriously romantic I get uncomfortable with affection and flirting. And I always wish we could just be friends.  I also  identify as asexual but I've known that for longer. I've been dating my partner for about 3, almost 4 months and we've been talking for about 6. We started as friends and eventually started going out on dates and then made it official. I've said I love them and all that other affectionate stuff but I'm realizing now I think I've always liked us better as friends because I don't like the idea of us romantically but I do like us platonically.  I feel horrible for only realizing this now and I feel as If I've been leading them on. I realize I said that  stuff because I thought that's what people  are supposed to say in a romantic/sexual relationship. The big problem I have is if I should keep this a secret or tell my partner. I don't want to hurt them and I know if I come out we'll definitely break up. But I also realize that keeping a secret like this won't help anything and our relationship will deteriorate on it's own. If anyone's gone through  a similar situation I'd be very glad for any advice at all.

TLDR: I'm asexual and don't know how to tell my partner

(PS: sorry for the rambling)

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  • 3 months later...

That is a sticky situation.

When I dated a girl who liked me more than I liked her...I eventually just told her that I had never loved her.  Looking back, that was really harsh.  And not completely true.  So don't do that.  I wound up getting back together with the same girl after some time had passed.  We stayed together for another six months before going our separate ways.  

So yeah.  I have no idea what to do either.  Maybe just rip the band aid off.  But don't do what I did.

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That is a really tough situation.
I honestly don’t think there’s a way to handle this that doesn’t end in at least a little hurt. An allo romantic person has a crush on me, and even though I’ve been loudly out as aro and they’ve almost always known me as aro, it still hurts them that I can’t return the same feelings. 

So though it will hurt, I think there’s merit in ripping the bandaid off and being honest in an empathetic way. Explaining what being aro means to you and what you want going forward and see if what you want is something that your partner also wants. (Such as being friends, changing the relationship to a qpr, not talking anymore, etc.)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I had this situation except I didn't realize I was aro, just that I didn't have romantic feelings for him. I broke up with him and we decided to stay friends. But he just couldn't accept we had broken up and kept pressuring me to spend time with him to support him in his grief for the breakup. In the end I had to break off all contact and we've not spoken to each other since.

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  • 5 months later...

I really can relate to your problem. My advice is, to be sincere. It might come out sooner or later and if it is later, it will eat you up inside in the meantime and be much more hurtful to your partner then. Perhaps they will be fine with this situation. Then you would have suffered for nothing all the time. Perhaps they will not be ok with it, then you give them the chance to use that time to build a relationship they can really relate to.

I am over 50, married for 30 years and I always knew that I don't love my husband as much as he loves me. I could never say "I love you" without knowing that it is not true. I do care for him. He is my partner for life. Still I have no romantic feelings for him.

I didn't know better, as it is only lately that I found out, that I am not a cold hearted person, that nothing is wrong with me but it would destroy him if I told him the truth now. And this is killing me. 

So, if you already know about being aromantic, be honest. Trust is the basis of a good relationship.

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