Aro Guilt ™

[atrocious_ar0mantic]

Does anyone else feel like they’re “leading people on” (in a romantic sense), when someone expresses a certain amount of affection towards them? I have a platonic partner, and every once in awhile I have this oopsy whoopsy moment where I’m like but.. but what if ? I’m t r i c k i n g them ?

I’ve just begun noticing simple things I usually hold back in attempts of conformity, that I didn’t even realize I was doing before. 

Biting back compliments. Being afraid to even ask if I can touch people. Worried about coming off as immature for being directly invested in my friends and their well-being. Anyone else have aro guilt in this flavor? Trying to conform to alloromantics and nts dynamics for friendship? 

[Sam Spade]

Yeah, I get this too. I'd like to have friends of different genders but it's hard.

I've had someone think I was interested in them because I was being helpful (part of my job, and I was trying to be nice since the things we were moving were heavy), and for chatting about our shared hobbies.

I'm also afraid to compliment people in case they'll take it wrong.

My other problem is turning them down without coming out...?

[Georgi]

Yes, I have been observing in my way of interacting with others that sometimes I'm apprehensive to do some things because of them maybe being codded as romantic, or because I still have ingrained in my head that some things are meant exclusively for romantic couples, or because I'm also afraid to upset the romantic partners of my friends, even when they have never indicated that... And it's weird, because sometimes I'm wondering if I'm too much for people as something non-romantic, but then I know wouldn't be "enough" for people as something romantic... And then I'm also angry at the world with the entire amatonormativity thing, but it's funny 'cause I find myself reinforcing that through my action or lack of action ;)))

Edited February 11, 2022 by Georgi

[DeltaAro]

I suspect that alloromantics are way more guilty of such behavior but just (usually) don’t care. ?

[atrocious_ar0mantic]

6 hours ago, Georgi said:

Yes, I have been observing in my way of interacting with others that sometimes I'm apprehensive to do some things because of them maybe being codded as romantic, or because I still have ingrained in my head that some things are meant exclusively for romantic couples, or because I'm also afraid to upset the romantic partners of my friends, even when they have never indicated that... And it's weird, because sometimes I'm wondering if I'm too much for people as something non-romantic, but then I know wouldn't be "enough" for people as something romantic... And then I'm also angry at the world with the entire amatonormativity thing, but it's funny 'cause I find myself reinforcing that through my action or lack of action ;)))

You put it in words and it slapped me across the face -

[LifezVictory]

Do you know what would fix these problems? If people communicated, and they were upfront about their intentions. You know, instead of expecting people will just read their minds and understand. It’s the thing that really annoys me about allos.

[Guest Guest]

I used to feel like this too, especially if a friend had a crush on me. A few times when I tried to become friends with someone they developed a crush and I felt really guilty. But I've made it known that I'm aro so I don't have to worry about anymore. I also understand now that allo people have crushes and get rejected sometimes and it's not the end of the world, they're ok after a while and  it's just a normal part of their life. There's nothing you can do to make or prevent people from having a crush on you and if they decide something you did is romantic without asking you it's not your fault.

(sorry for the bad English it's not my native language)

[dewy]

A bit, I want to give more physical affection to my friends but am afraid of it coming off as romantic even though pretty much all of my friends know I'm aro.

But most of my Aro Guilt™ comes from me getting tired of hearing about my alloro friends' crushes or even feeling repulsed when they talk about them.

[atrocious_ar0mantic]

On 2/26/2022 at 6:06 PM, bat said:

A bit, I want to give more physical affection to my friends but am afraid of it coming off as romantic even though pretty much all of my friends know I'm aro.

But most of my Aro Guilt™ comes from me getting tired of hearing about my alloro friends' crushes or even feeling repulsed when they talk about them.

Honestly? I feel the latter as well. I have a companion who only used to message me when xe was out and about with her romantic partner. Or their romantic partner happened to be the only subject xe would bring up with me in attempts to connect? The guilt for me doesn't stem from the actual repulsion and/or agitation of the topic. It's knowing that if I try to redirect the conversation (especially in an obvious way), I'm gonna be seen as That Bitter Aro -