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Repulsed after figuring out my identity


Arsenic
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A few time ago, when I still considered myself allosexual and alloromantic, I could read books with sex and romantic scenes without feeling awkward or repulsed. Now, after discovering I am aroace, that has changed. I feel like if my awkwardness to this kind of topics isn't real, because it didn't exist at the beginning, but it exists now. Have you ever felt this way? Is it normal that figuring out my identity has changed my point of view? 

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It definitely makes sense that that happened, it happened to me too!! I was generally fine with reading romance until I figured out I was aromantic lol, which is probably why it took me so long. People grow and change, and as such, their opinions/feelings on things like that will change too!!

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I think once you start thinking about something or being aware of something you tend to notice it a lot more.

So before I became aro the fact that so much media was romance focused didn't really occur to me. Now I am aware of this identity and am aware of ideas about the primacy of romance over other relations, singlism, that sort of thing it is different. I notice just how often romance turns up and just how often it is tired, cliché, almost as though it is there because people think it has to be there.

So it doesn't surprise me that after a year or so of that I am now nowhere near as comfortable with romantic fiction as I was before. 

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Yeah, this sort of thing isn't unusual. To give another example, I'm trans, and I think I've always been a little dysphoric, but it only really got noticeable after figuring it out. On the subject of romance, I didn't always feel repulsion from it, but that changed once I realized I don't want it.

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I did notice I was getting tired of hearing my alloro friends talk about their crushes after I found out I was aro but that may be because they started talking about them a lot.

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On 1/31/2022 at 7:44 PM, roboticanary said:

I think once you start thinking about something or being aware of something you tend to notice it a lot more.

So before I became aro the fact that so much media was romance focused didn't really occur to me. Now I am aware of this identity and am aware of ideas about the primacy of romance over other relations, singlism, that sort of thing it is different. I notice just how often romance turns up and just how often it is tired, cliché, almost as though it is there because people think it has to be there.

So it doesn't surprise me that after a year or so of that I am now nowhere near as comfortable with romantic fiction as I was before. 

Completely agree. I used to love watching romance anime and the like before I realised I was aro, but now I feel more and more repulsed by anything having to do with overly romantic things. I'm thinking perhaps I liked seeing the inticimacy I was longing for myself between the characters and unforuntately depictions of that are almost exclusive to the romance genre. Now that the curtain has been pulled back, like @roboticanarymentioned, I can no longer overlook the recurring problems that plague the genre and the concept of romance in general.

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I have a similar experience. When I figured out I am aro, these things stop being "things that will happen to me one day" and became "things that I can't and won't experience". I was not really repulsed by it, but it became a lot more awkward. It was the feeling that all of this was estranged to me. I also became hyper aware of all the amatonormativity in stories.

It is better now, though, even if it os still awkward at times. Except the amatonormative part...

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On 1/31/2022 at 12:14 PM, Arsenic said:

A few time ago, when I still considered myself allosexual and alloromantic, I could read books with sex and romantic scenes without feeling awkward or repulsed. Now, after discovering I am aroace, that has changed. I feel like if my awkwardness to this kind of topics isn't real, because it didn't exist at the beginning, but it exists now. Have you ever felt this way? Is it normal that figuring out my identity has changed my point of view? 

I don’t find this so strange. I mean you now understand how you differ from the majority.

I’m perhaps in a somewhat similar situation. There was a time when I thought I was aro and simply heterosexual. But honestly, I was just in denial. I’m pan. I had sex with same gender (male) and nonbinary persons, and I liked it. I was – no doubt – attracted to them.

But I also have a VERY pronounced aegosexual tendency. It took me a loooong time to figure that out. So sex is really just a nice-to-have in reality. It’s better than a mere fantasy, but not fundamentally better.

I now ALLOW myself to be repulsed by certain sexual stuff. I usually find the scenarios that lead up to two people having sex, as portrayed in various media, very off-putting and awkward. Not the actual act, I’m fine with that.

But if that ridiculous “mating season behavior” is really representative to how the majority of people “get it going”, I still don’t know anything, I’m a total outsider. It is like from a different planet compared to my experiences.

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Same thing happened to me! I think it's normal and valid. Before, I had no idea what amatonormativity was and I just didn't understand romance, but now I am more repulsed towards it.
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