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How did you found out you were on the aro spectrum? How long did it take for you to realize?


Alexander
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So in my case it went like this... I was never really interested in romantic relationships. I had one "crush" on my best friend. But it wasn't an actual crush OR a squish. At that time I thought that I was a butch lesbian (I was a trans guy in big denial, I mistook being seen as masculine for being a lesbian, I didn't knew gender ≠ attraction/sexuality) and the "falling in love with your close female friend" was a common thing in the wlw community. So I just chose her to be my crush, because she was one of the cutest and most feminine human beings. I also loved her (platonically of course). I looked even more masculine standing next to her, which was giving me a lot of gender euphoria (people often were "mistaking" me for a boy and thought we were dating). Soon I found out that I wasn't in fact attracted to girls, I was just using them as the feminine background so my masculinity and strength would stand out more. I started to actually think I  may be trans when I saw that other lesbians, even butch and tomboy ones didn't enjoy being called a boy. That's when my egg started to crack. When I figured out that I was in fact a trans guy, I thought I was straight. But it didn't last long until I noticed that I don't have a thing for girls. But I didn't like guys either. So I thought I was pansexual for a long time, because I felt that way to everyone (yeah, my dumb self thought that not feeling any attraction towards any specific gender means being pan). I got into some relationships (I was in six romantic relationships to be exact, two with girls, one with a nonbinary person, two with guys and one with an agender person. but all those relationships were initiated by the other person. it was always like this: they confessed to me, and I either didn't want to hurt their feelings or thought "maybe if I give them a chance I'll actually fall in love with them" so I agreed to all those confessions) because I was so deep in denial about me being aroace. When I found out about the "asexual" label, I thought that was probably me. I looked more into the ace spectrum and found out I was in fact asexual (aegosexual to be exact). So I identified as panromantic asexual for a while. But then I found out about aromanticism. And in that moment something clicked in my brain. I couldn't explain what exactly I was feeling. It just felt right. I instantly knew it was me. I almost cried. I was like "there's a word? I'm not weird or just the only person on earth who feels like this?".

 

So... It took me whole 5 years of questioning my sexuality to find out I am in fact romance ambivalent (my feelings and opinion on romance change over time, for example I'm feeling romance indifferent now) aromantic and sex averse aegosexual. Yeah, now I'm 100% sure I'm a pan oriented aroace trans guy, I also know that I'm aegosexual and ambiamorous. Now I'm happy in a QPR with a nonbinary person. I'm glad I finally found out who I was, even if it took me 5 years of denial and constant looking for a label that would fit me.

 

How was your journey? You can share it here (:

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Hey Alexander! I loved reading about your journey and I'm really glad you're happy and found who you are.

For me, it all started 4 years and a half ago. I first questioned my sexuality, I have always thought that I'm bisexual (and biromantic), since at some point I started noticing attraction to women, I wanted to date them too. After a while, that attraction to women stopped and I identified as straight again. Throughout the years, I've been remembering when I first questioned my sexuality and I was pretty sure I was straight until 2020, when I started questioning again. I first identified as bisexual, then biromantic heterosexual, but I wasn’t sure of the bi part, so I stopped labeling myself and just said I was questioning.

This year, I started going deeper in the community and learnt about a lot of identities. I eventually ended up reading about the aromantic spectrum. As it happened to you, something clicked. It all made sense. I've spent a long time wondering how love feels, why I can't fall in love, how I can fall in love... The answer was right in front of me. However, the aromantic label didn't feel completely right, so I read more and found out the other labels in the aro spectrum. At first, I labeled myself as cupioromantic, due to the fact that I felt that I wanted to experience being in a romantic relationship, but I stopped caring about that, so I went for the grayromantic label. I'm actually happy that I found a label that fits me and I'm glad I stopped thinking that someone would come and "save" me or something, and we would have a romantic relationship after that lol. I just desire special friendships now, a QPR would be nice too. 

Now, regarding my bisexuality. Before learning about the aro spectrum, I thought that I wouldn’t mind if “the right person” for me was a male or not, and I wouldn’t mind sleeping with someone of any gender either. So after reading about the arospec and considering how I would be and sleep with someone of any gender, I also labeled myself as bisexual. 

It was a whole journey and I have to say that I'm still exploring myself, but I feel good with my labels right now and I'm really happy about it :)

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Took a long while to work it out.

In my case, in my early twenties I became good friends with two young women who are asexual. I knew that idea didn't fit me from the moment they said it but from chatting with them I was finally introduced with the idea of romance and sex being something properly separate. Like I knew you could have casual sex and I knew old people could keep being in love after they stopped having sex but I had thought of that as something that was less good. That was something you did if you couldn't get the true best relationship and when I grew up a bit I would look for that sort of love.

Until then I had just thought, well I prefer casual relationships and I was from a part of the UK with a bit of a reputation for casual sex and when I got older things would change. The idea that it was possible for this split to be permanent and fine, that these two women were actively looking for romantic relationships without sex, was completely new to me.

So I end up looking back and realising that I was hitting my mid twenties and had never had a long term romantic partner, and that actually I preferred a more casual relationship and that had failed to change.

I chatted with them a bit more and heard about aromanticism. I wasn't accepting it yet but I was slowly started to make sense. It took about a year and a half between them mentioning aromanticism and me using the word to describe myself.

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