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Hi, need a bit of help right here


Iaa
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Hi, i first heard the word aromatic in AVEN. I read there about asexuality and immediately knew this is what i am. I also read a bit about aromanticism there but at the time i didn't paid attention to it. Later i was in the internet seeing asexual things and in pinterest especially, i found posts about being aromantic and the struggles, etc. And i started to relate to that. For a time I thought that maybe i was somewhere in the aromantic spectrum but i couldn't tell where. Today i found AUREA and this place and thought maybe some of you could help me.

 

The thing is what is exactly romantic attraction? I used to confuse the different types of attraction, like i liked someone but it was actually aesthetic attraction. But I didn't knew it because nobody ever told me about the different types of attraction. So i liked people aesthetically speaking, and sometimes i would fantasize about being together with them but it was such random and fast thoughts. And i never actually spoke to them. In high school i talked to someone I liked, turned out they were interested too, but once i was there i didn't knew what to say. Like i dont know if it has something to do with me being soo introverted. Opening to people is really difficult to me, trustibg them. But we ended up losing interest. I often think about it could have been if i had not ruined it. Anyway, later in quarantine i messagged them for their birhtday and we talked a bit, and even though I was nervous and all that, it faded away quickly.

 

So being in a a relantionship always felt very far away from me. I think I want to, but im afraid ill lose interest quickly or that once im with someone I realize i dont actually like it. Saw that some of you here always felt awkward with romance in TV, and all that, but i liked that. And in books but im so awkward. I hate to even hug someone, I guess it might have something to do with my asexuality and my introversion. I just dont deal good with people, I actually hate to talk about feelings, but the thing about having a partner was always interesting to me. Love to me means to trust someone, and again, i think I would like to find someone I can trust like that. But i dont even know what im saying anymore

 

The point is, how can i be sure im somewhere in the aromantic spectrum? How do i know I actually want or don't want romance? 

 

As I said like one hundred times, i want to fall in love but I think that if somebody actually showed any interest in me (no like that silly highschool thing i had) i would feel completly uncomfortable. Which again i think has something to do with asexuality, but what if maybe I like the idea of love but i have no desire to act on it. Because as I said i never talked to nobody i "liked", because it was aesthetic attraction, but sometimes I would think about what it would be like to be with them.

 

 

So this is a mess and my English is bad, im sorry but please somebody help me

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I'm not ace, but I think I could help.

The thing about aromanticism (and asexuality too) is that our experiences are very diverse, and unlike a lot of other identities, can be impacted by neurodivergentcy, trauma/experiences, etc.

I know a lot of aroace people who claim that their ace identity does impact the way they view romance as well! As an alloaro (bisexual to be more specific), I also struggled with telling the difference between romantic/platonic/sexual attraction. It seems to be a pretty common experience here! 

Coming to terms with my aroness made me realize that, although I liked the idea of romance in theory (mostly through fiction or my wild imagination), I could not possibly see the appeal in real life. I have tried, and it never went anywhere. I would feel this strong attraction towards someone for like, the first month or so, then my interest suddenly faded away. I realized that I was mainly developing SQUISHES on people rather than crushes, and the "loss of interest" could have possibly been me finally feeling like they were the friend I secretly wanted.

Some aromantics love romance as a concept and actively participate in it. Some aromantics absolutely hate romance in all shapes and forms, and may even feel repulsed around the idea of being romantically involved at all. Those, however, are two very extreme sides of a coin. Terms like aro-spec and aspec exist BECAUSE there are so many different ways to be either of those things.

I say you are very likely to be aromantic as well, BUT you don't have to use that label either! Its honestly whatever you feel comfortable with calling yourself at the end of the day.

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Hi. There is indeed no simple/single way to describe romantic attraction as it can vary from person to person, also according to your personal experiences, upbringing, culture, neural buildup, etc.

3 hours ago, Iaa said:

How do i know I actually want or don't want romance? 

Well, how would anyone else know? It's either so feel something "special" about someone (can be esthetic, can be something related to their intellect...), something that moves you. I believe a verb used these days in English is "ship"?

If something like this happens to you, it's then up to you to decide whether you want to pursue it and in whichever way you want it to impact you or leave you vulnerable. You mentioned trust, didn't you? What I can tell you is that if you're afraid to be hurt before trying to explore yourself, you will never know for sure.

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I'm aromantic but love everything about romance in theory - I devour movies and books and podcasts and anything related. But I realized when I actually imagined myself (or did put myself in romantic situations) every cell in my body was anxious and unhappy. Like I literally wanted to run away as quickly as possible. I think there's a real difference between liking the idea of romance and actually wanting it for yourself.

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