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Is it possible to suddenly become aromantic or arospec?


anna
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When I was a kid, I definitely was aroace. I picked and chose crushes, I couldn't figure out why someone would be "in love", I would never feel jealousy, and so many signs. Naked bodies absolutely disgusted me and i didnt even wanna kiss boys or girls. However, this might be because I was only a child. After hitting puberty, i suddenly became extremely sexual and romantic. I got into relationships with both genders, yet caught myself "crushing" more on men than women. I never fell in love with a man, but dated SO many cause I would simply tell myself I will catch feelings during dating or that aesthetic attraction obviously meant romantic attraction (which I only recently also learned aesthetic attraction existed). I seemed to "crush" on anyone who was kind, who was hot, or who liked me. Sometime during quarantine, I got into a serious relationship with a woman (im F16). This was on the internet. I dont want to be rude, yet i will admit that she was quite unattractive. I remember having to cover her face sometimes because I didnt wanna accept that the person I was dating and was falling for was not my type at all. However, i fell for her. Im sure this was actual love, romance, however some people think that it might have been me falling for her words or just feeling loved by someone (especially because it was quite hard to "fall in love" in 3 months over the internet yet for me, I assume it happeend). I remember crying and feeling jealous thinking of her with other people etc etc. However, a year passed and as more ive moved on, and more i found men more aesthetically pleasing, i tried to date them, and found myself not feeling the happiest. Dating people is no big deal for me, however, recently i realized i havent been getting crushes again? Or ive been confusing crushes from aesthetic attraction. It comes and goes in a way, so i assume in aroflux? I havent been in a relationship since and I dont know if I suddenly BECAME aromantic or if i was always aro/arospec and i just never understood it? Or maybe im wrong, maybe im not aro. However, some signs of me showing aromanticism, also brought up by fellow friends who knew me for years are: never caring who i was dating, able to date anyone, never feeling jealousy, not even caring when getting cheated on, love dating yet never been heartbroken by people in real life, only on the internet, even "crying" when someone broke up with me online yet didnt even feel a single hurt towards the girl who did it when i saw her the next day in real life, only feeling anger that i was abandoned, etc. I spoke to my mother whos supportive and she says i should at least wait until 20, and maybe im just traumatized by falling in love and getting my heartbroken? Or im just afraid to date again?

Is it also okay for me to identify as cupio/aroflux/arospec and being wrong about it? This is all so new to me and I cant figure out whats going on. Thanks!

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Hello there. Ok you are speaking and bringing topics that are interconnected, which isn't bad, but it makes it complex to understand. I will say and express my opinion of your situation based on what I know and believe. The first thing is I firmly believe that you are born being aromantic and what your sexuality is, it is in growing up and learning through society that we get to know it sooner or later or maybe never at all.

We live in a hypersexual society, this means that you are fed through your throat that being in a relationship should be the goal, romance and sex are the goal, you are a half and you should look for your other half. Those things, I have heard on a daily basis when speaking to people. 

Your age doesn't determine what you know or not. You will never be too young to know about yourself. 

You may have experienced a crush, or a squish. That doesn't mean that you cannot be in aro-spec. Think for a moment in what you felt, and why did you felt it. Was it because you wanted to feel this way to fit into society? Or was it an irrational thought that you could not control?

You may have alterous attraction, meaning that your types of attractions are very difficult to differentiate, so your aesthetic may be with you romantic and sexual attractions,and it is difficult to separate them into different ones.

I cannot say what you are or are not, and neither can your friends. We can help you understand the experiences you had and make educated assumptions, but that is it,only you have the final say. Remember that you live in an heteronormative society and we all have some influence of it. So there will be a bias into fitting in a heteroromantic and heterosexual relationship, it is up to you to decide if what you are feeling is indeed genuine or not.

You said cupioromantic, maybe you are based on definition. Dig deep here. Read definitons, but above all. Sit down, and ask yourself, do I feel this way or am I forcing myself to be this way to fit into society's standards? Do I have or can I have romantic or sexual feelings toward this person? Is it an urge that I can control, and if so, am I choosing it or not? 

Hope I could help and just continue to ask until you are satisfied with your results. And I want to say that I believe you are born one way, you are not suddenly transformed into being something. You do not wake up one day and say: "today I am aro". I do not believe that is how it works. Yes you can force yourself into it, but it is not you, it would be internalizing your identity and choosing to mold yourself into society, but not what you are. That is my belief.

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To be honest it sounds like you are just going through the normal process of growing up and exploring your feelings. It's not at all unusual to go through a period of disinterest in romance after a relationship ending, and it's also normal for the frequency of the sorts of shallow crushes you seem to be describing to slow down as you leave your mid teens.

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It is possible that you are on the aro spectrum, maybe without being asexual. But it is hard to tell and only you can know if what you felt were real crushes or another type of attraction. However, from what you say, it seems that you don't feel attraction for men.

By the way, I don't see why you could not have fallen in love with someone on the Internet. Nowadays, a lot of couple meets like this.

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